Susan Wiggs | WORST BOOKSIGNING EVER

When you first sell a book, did you dream about going on tour? Did you imagine yourself putting on grown-up clothes, lipstick and new shoes to sally forth to meet your adoring public? Maybe you pictured yourself with a slick-looking Moonsus business tote slung jauntily over your shoulder, dashing from one bookstore to the next, leaving a trail of avid readers in your wake.

Then one day-be careful what you wish for-you find yourself on a book tour. You’re going to bookstores and big-box stores, doing signing after signing. And grim reality sets in-the inhuman hour you have to get up to get to the airport in time for your flight. The soul-sucking lines and security measures at the airport. The dearth of media coverage, forcing you to confront the reality that no, the publication of a novel about a woman’s emotional journey to self-actualization is not exactly the news hook the papers have been looking for. Then there are the events themselves-the frighteningly empty seats at the readings, the painful absence of book-buying fans. The oh-shit expression on the bookseller’s face when she realizes no one is coming to buy a book. You’re asked where the bathrooms are, where the Twilight books are, and would you mind holding this 16-foot boa constrictor?* By the end of the first leg of the tour, you’ve cycled through the stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining and bleak resignation.

Really? What about that time you went to a booksigning where you had to take a number and wait your turn?

It’s true, there are definitely writers who not only wrote terrific books, they signed and PR-ed their way to success, doggedly schlepping from one event to the next, winning hearts reader by reader.

Some writers are born stars. Their personal charisma, intense reader-character bond and huge sales tend to draw impressive crowds. Their events are a cross between a tent revival and a rock concert. Readers stand in line for hours to meet them and get their autograph. Twenty-something years ago, I saw a line of Anne Rice fans in Houston wrap around an entire city block for the chance to meet her, and believe me, these were not the kind of fans you want to disappoint. These fans had fangs. Seriously-you do not want to mess with fans like that. Anne stayed in her seat for hours, making sure each and every one of them got a signed book. (Note to self: Don’t send a single reader home disappointed.)

The incomparable LaVyrle Spencer once told a group of us that, early on in her career, she devised her own do-it-yourself book tour, staying with friends and fellow writers in towns across the heartland. And how about Nora Roberts-readers at a group signing in Harpers Ferry were given time slots on their tickets to avoid a massive crush. I once made a trek into the city to "rescue" Diana Gabaldon from obscurity when I saw that she was signing at a store not known for big turnouts. I needn’t have worried. There wasn’t a seat left in the house. Janet Evanovich had an event in a casino, thrilling fans numbering in the thousands. Debbie Macomber’s fans, God love ’em, come to her signings like pilgrims to Lourdes, hugging their beloved novels to their chests. Jodi Picoult toured faithfully for each book-that’s how I ended up meeting her in person-and built her readership with steady determination. Now a Picoult booksigning is SRO, and some even have to charge admission, she’s so popular. Catherine Coulter is a one-woman party, and her readers know it. Rick Bragg and Sherman AlexieM can fill an auditorium.

Then there are the rest of us.

We are booksigning poison-Authors whose books might well be enormously popular with readers, but whose booksignings resemble the aftermath of a nuclear winter. Our readers tend to stay away in droves. Once while on tour, when one lone reader approached me to buy a book, I recall texting my husband: "I’m being stampeded to death by my legions of fan."

Here’s the truth-my readers don’t necessarily want to meet me. Does that bother me? Hurt my feelings? Hell, no. They want to buy and read my books, and bless them for doing so. This is as it should be. Just the reader and the story, with no pesky author getting in the way. I’m a writer. I should stay home and write my next book. That’s what readers want. Not a signature on the title page, but the story that comes after.

There’s a story-possibly apocryphal but I like to think it’s true-of a mega-bestselling author who found herself at a drugstore signing, sitting at a table laden with her latest novel...and not a single customer stopped to buy a book. So the author asked the store manager what he paid for the books. She wrote him a check for that amount, signed all the books, then proceeded to give them away to startled shoppers. How smart is that? The author got credit for the sale, and for a few hundred bucks, spared herself the humiliation of a failed signing. And I’m betting she won some new readers by giving them a book.

A book tour’s not so bad, you might tell your mom on her nightly phone call. At least I’m seeing the country, staying in classy hotels, meeting new people. And it’s not really killing my writing schedule, is it? Some writers honestly do write while on the road. They carve out a little portion of their busy day to write a scene or revise something. In my dreams, I do this. In reality, I explore the neighborhood and hotel amenities, check out the minibar, go to the fitness center, flip through the TV offerings and check my e-mail.

So why book tours? Some people in PR will tell you it’s a necessary component of the campaign. If you want publicity in the media, you have to stage an event so there’s something to write about. In that sense, a booksigning is not about selling a book. It’s about the media coverage of the scheduled event. Unfortunately, this blast of media doesn’t always include a front-page spot (with photo and book jacket) of the entertainment section of a major newspaper, review coverage, appearances on afternoon TV and call-in radio. More often, media coverage is often a half-inch blurb in the "What’s Happening"section: "Author Flair MacKenzie reads from her new novel at 7:30 at Timewise Bookstore."

*And all right, if you’ve read this far, you get to see a shot of the Worst. Signing. Ever. Here it is, at a military base where my fellow author was an Army Ranger with a memoir. I didn’t sell a single book, but he was so busy, he made me hold his 16-foot python, Roxanne, while he signed. I was so traumatized by the snake signing that I had to soothe myself by buying this couture dress-and yes, that’s a snake print.

So next time you see an author at a booksigning, do her a huge favor and chat her up a bit. She’ll be so grateful that you’re not asking where the Team Edward t-shirts are that she won’t even expect you to buy a book.

I would love to hear from readers on this topic. What draws you to a booksigning? The promise of drawings and doorprizes? The urge to commune with other readers? The presence of freebies and swag? Do you make a date to attend book events or do you go on impulse? Or are you one of those readers who just likes to stay home and read? (Don’t feel bad-I’m a member of that club.)

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Susan Wiggs’s new novel is Lakeshore Christmas from Mira Books. You can order a signed copy here: here Her next scheduled appearances can be found here:here She promises all events to be snake-free.