Suzy Duffy | The Mama Drama & Mother/Daughter Algorithms

It’s kinda nuts the way - one moment you’re a daughter (with a big tummy) and
the next you’re the mother. Naturally you’re still a daughter but that takes a
very big step back in your mind as you look at the tiny bundle of perfection
they’ve gently placed in your arms. Now – all of a sudden, you’re not pregnant –
you’re the mama! Congratulations and welcome to mayhem.

The early years aren’t so bad. Keep them (& yourself) warm, fed & well
slept. Throw in lots of cuddles and the occasional tea-party and you have a
happy daughter. Little girls are proud to tell the world that when they grow up
they're gonna be just like their momma and marry daddy. (Oh, those were the days.)

Sadly, if we’ve done our jobs right – as they grow, they’ll start to think
independently. By mid-teens you might get a slightly disapproving glance from
your baby girl when you reach for that second slice or cheesecake. She might
stop laughing at your jokes or roll her eyes when you wear your favorite dress.
Two things are happening here. We moms are losing some of our
perceived-perfection and our darling daughters are not quite the darlings they
once were. This is all perfectly normal and the way things should be because
they’re our daughters – a generation younger – not our peers; but at one point
in every mother-daughter relationship, there comes a moment when you’re suddenly
looking into the eyes of another woman.

She’s still your daughter but she’s also an independent, thinking for herself
young adult. That, my friend is terrifying; liberating and terrifying.

Scientists now claim that for a hug to mean something it has to last twenty
seconds. (I’ve prepared dinners faster!) But now it’s something I really try to
do. Try it, make a joke of it. Tell your teen tear-away that you want to hug her
for twenty seconds because it floods the body with endorphins. It really works
and it’s much better than arguing.

You may both be women but you are not equal. If you’re the mother you need to
act like one. Rise above the argument, cross the room most of the time, explain
your reasons logically and clearly. It’s her turn to throw the hissy fit. You
did it to your Mama. There’s a flip side to being the bigger woman… you might
just get to keep your daughter. Maybe one day, if we’re very lucky if we’ve
mothered to the best of our ability and taught them how to be strong, confident,
independent thinking women – maybe, just maybe they’ll stay close so we can get
to be doting grandmothers too.

Here’s to doing our best.

Lots of love,
Suzy
XXX