Vicki Hinze | Running On Faith--Or Fumes Of Faith

There are times in every life when we’re soul weary, exhausted and all that’s left in us is to run on faith. And then, when we’re positive things can’t get any worse, they do, and we’re reduced to running on fumes of faith.

A while back, I went through a fumes-of-faith situation. Actually, at the time, it seemed like I was down to my last fume. You’ve likely been there and know exactly what I mean. It’s the time when you’re stuck in a situation and feel like you’re living that old saying about having one nerve left, it being frayed, and someone or something is strumming on it like it’s a banjo.

For me, the nature of that time took the form of a lot of eye surgeries (tough for a writer to write when she can’t see a thing), lots of pain and feeling awful (not exactly conducive conditions for creativity). Being unable to move much (I had to sit with my eyes closed day after day), I couldn’t read, watch TV, and had to have an escort to move around even inside the house. Doesn’t that time sound like fumes to you? It certainly felt like fumes to me.

But I was wrong; it wasn’t. Things got worse. More worrisome medical issues complicated my situation. (I’m fine, by the way.) But then, in that place, I ask you, who in her right mind would expect to later recall being there as a great time that fostered major changes in her life and in her work?

I sure didn’t expect I would, but I did endure it and I do recall it as a great time, and it did change my life and my work. To be more precise, the actual fume situation changed many things.

It started out with a visit to the doc for, I thought, bronchitis. In short, two scary somethings showed up on an x-ray. What, the doc couldn’t say without further tests, but it appeared the scary “somethings” were in my chest and on my thyroid gland. The first thing you think of is cancer and that scares the socks off us all. Things didn’t look so good.

Further tests were done, and weeks crawled by before I learned the results. Those were tough weeks, but productive ones. I thought a lot about life and death and specifially about what I’d done with my life. Like everyone, I had a few regrets, but I recalled many joyful things, too. When I’d sorted through everything, I found my bottom line. I’d loved well and been loved well. Real life doesn’t get much better than that.

Finally, I returned to the doc for the test results and, I thought, for the “this is how long you’ve got” kind of news. In the car on the way, I prayed, which is common for me though I’d done a lot more of it, working through this potential news. “Let this pass and I’ll focus on doing what You want me to do.” That was the gist of it. Some would consider that bargaining. I didn’t see it that way because I’d found peace in my bottom line, accepting of however things turned out.

A few blocks from the doc’s office an oddity occurred to me that should have been noted immediately but in all those weeks hadn’t once crossed my mind. You don’t have a thyroid gland anymore. How can something be on it when you don’t have one? “Wait a minute,” I thought. “I don’t have one—or do I?”

Knowing isn’t as simple as you might think. See, at 25, my thyroid was surgically removed. Only it grew back. Then they radiated it. But three months later, the remnants of it began functioning again. I’d been put on replacement therapy back then (which means I take a pill a day) but the thing’s fluctuated ever since. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes it worked a lot, and other times a little. So who knew whether or not I had a gland? (Now you see why it didn’t occur to me right away!)

For the previous few years, I’d been stable. As in, it wasn’t working, and that was great because it’s easier to get the right dosage of replacement when you’re in that position. So, I wondered. Had the thing grown back again and started functioning again, or what?

When I got into the doc’s office, that question was burning in my mind. So I asked. He went a little pale and double-checked the original test—the one that showed the scary somethings. The results weren’t mine. The name was one letter off. One letter.

My heart broke for the test’s owner. I well knew what she’d be going through. It was a clerical error, and those things do happen, and when they do, it’s never easy, but to be fair we must weigh them in context of the million things that have gone right.

Naturally, I was relieved. The situation had passed from me. And while I initially said getting the initial wrong results was an error, I’m not convinced it really was. Because of the incident, I did a lot of thinking about things that when we’re comfortable and rocking along in life we don’t stop to think about. We don’t question ourselves, our choices, or what we’re doing, we coast. Often while coasting we miss out on the best life has to offer us. We don’t see the best not because it isn’t there but because we’re not looking. This “error” gave me an opportunity to look and the incentive to actually do it. As a result, I made significant changes in my life, in my attitudes, and in my writing.

Have the changes all been easy? No. Have there been times when I slip and stumble? Sure. But I always have, so that’s just normal. (If I’m not slipping and stumbling, I worry, because it means I’ve planted myself in a safe comfort zone and I’m not stretching. That’s stagnant, and stagnant anything [physical, emotional or spiritual] withers and dies.) But those changes have been good.

I can’t say everyone has appreciated them. Some, even some who really adore you, want you to stay the same so you don’t tread on their comfort zones. But those who most matter embraced it and others come into your life and are accepting. That’s a normal thing—a culling and sloughing of what’s supposed to be in your life at a certain time. Some are in your life all your life and others are with you for a season—because you have something to give and/or receive from each other that you both need.

Worrying comes less now. Compassion comes quickly and runs deeper. And while patience has always been my albatross—as in, I have too little of it—I have grown more patient. I believe I’m where I’m supposed to be doing what I’m supposed to be doing, writing what I’m supposed to be writing. That brings a calm that is infinitely easier on a body than the feeling uncertain or as if you’d be glad to do whatever you should be doing if only you knew what it was. And it’s amazingly better than feeling out of sorts and like you’ve been forgotten in the hall.

No one is actually forgotten in the hall, but we can feel that way at times—usually when we’re in the dark and so busy banging our shoulders on the walls we think we’re supposed to be banging on that we fail to see all the doors with doorknobs (opportunities) we’re passing by or the light at the end of the hallway. Yet the doors, doorknobs and light are there.

Tough times still come, though “tough” doesn’t have the all-consuming power it once did. It took me a while to figure out why, but if you’ve read this, then you already know, so I won’t beat it to death repeating it. Most days, I’m just grateful. I’m healthy, with my family, writing books I totally love, playing secret fairy godmother where I can, blogging on things I think matter, visiting with friends and immersed in little things. To some that life might sound boring, but it’s the one I’ve chosen to build and it means an awful lot to me. And when I hit a rough patch as I did this morning . . . well, I’ll share that.

Before daylight my daughter phoned. Those late night and early morning calls knot us all up. Everything ended up fine, but it still took a while for my heart rate to slow down. Then I walked into the kitchen and discovered the water pipes were frozen. That was a little less than pleasant, as was all the dialogue on whether or not they’d rupture on thawing. It took a couple hours to find out—the mercury still hadn’t hit 28 degrees. That made for two mini-traumas before coffee. I rebelled. “Stop. Rewind.” I refused to start a new day in a new week on this note. Instead, I started whispering things I was grateful for. My daughter, son-in-law and grands were safe. We had heat. We had bottled water—I made coffee. Everything seems better and easier when you’ve got your cup of coffee, doesn’t it?

I expanded my “I’m grateful for” list. None of them were huge. None were life changing, but all were attitude changing (mine), and that is life changing. Much more pleasant.

And then I checked my email and found the first review had come in on FORGET ME NOT. It is the first book I’ve written after all the above changes, similar yet different from my other books. Risky business, most would agree. I wrote it on faith—in part, on fumes of faith, and I had no idea how it would be received. The Publishers Weekly review was now in, and considering my less than stellar morning thus far, I wasn’t sure I’d sufficiently bucked up my attitude to risk taking a look.

I gave myself a little lecture and then checked it. Okay, I admit it. I peeked with one eye and a wince, read what the reviewer wrote: “Hinze" has written a masterful, complicated tale of suspense that gains momentum with each turn of a page. Her writing flows surely, moving from one character to the next, one setting to another, with readers keeping the swift pace . . . Hinze’s plot may have readers puzzling over how this tangled tale will ever resolve itself, but that underestimates the author’s talent for transforming the unlikely into something beautiful.”

I read it twice just to be sure what I thought was there actually was there. Then came squeals of pure delight.

Who would have thought that a risky work born as a result of an incident initially so hard and dark and supported by mere fumes of faith would become the source of such uncomplicated joy?

I wouldn’t have, but it is. And that’s the reason for this post.

There are times when we all feel forgotten and as if we’re wandering aimlessly, lost or unsure of what we should do; times when regardless of what we do, nothing seems to work out right. Times when life so beats us up or down that all we have left is to run on faith. Then things get worse, and all that’s left are fumes of faith.

Yet if we work through it, look for the doors and doorknobs and light at the end of the hall, stop and rewind so our perspective doesn’t get skewed by thoughts running wild and our attitude doesn’t get so bad it sucks the life right out of us, then fumes of faith can be more than enough.

Fumes can give us the kick we need to dare, to take risks, to dream. And when we’re really lucky, those fumes can lead the way to that mustard seed required to discover deeper contentment and joy.

There are those moments when fumes and errors are just downright perfect.

Finding them, and recognizing them when you do, well, that’s my wish for you.

Blessings,

Vicki

VICKIHINZE.com