Ann Mayburn | Top Ten Things to Look for in a Dom

Warning: This article is intended for people 18 years and older. As the title suggests, this article discusses BDSM relationships between consenting adults.

Let me start off by saying that I truly, deeply admire you for stepping outside of your comfort zone and exploring your needs and sexuality. Kudos to you for having the strength to take that first step. :) I talk with readers everyday who dream of finding a Dom like the Russian Masters I write about in my Submissive’s Wish series- you know, hot, hung, and sexual psychics. Outside the pages of a book everyone, even Doms, are human and have human eccentricities and failings that make us wonderful...and not so wonderful.

Before you start chatting with a stranger on Fetlife or attend your first local BDSM meet and greet it’s good to keep a few things in mind about your potential partner before you hand them the key to your heart.

Things to Look For

1. These apply to any potential suitor you meet, but they are so important that I have to include them here. You want a man with a job, a home, and a car. Shallow? Not really. If he can’t provide for himself he probably can’t provide for you either.

2. He is patient. Things won’t always go well inside and outside of the dungeon and you don’t want a man who loses his temper while your bound up and unable to defend yourself.

3. Maturity. This kinda ties in with number two. Mature men are just that, men, not little boys still trying to find their way in the world. This is not to say that every man that is fifty is going to be mature and every man who is twenty will be immature, but you want a Dom who has either had a bit of experience or is willing to learn along with you from an experienced Dom. There are tons of BDSM groups out there that will help you and your partner learn the ropes...get it...learn the ropes...- snork-

4. He loves you AND your life. A good Dom will never, ever, try to isolate you from the ones you love. While he may not adore your family the way you do, he will never try to remove them from your life and prevent contact. If he ever says ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t talk to xxx anymore’ run for the hills.

5. He is aware of the human body and its limitations. While most of us would love to be as limber as a Russian ballerina, we just aren’t. Your Dom should know about the dangers of restraints and how much damage can be done by tying or restraining you in certain positions for any amount of time.

6. He wants you inside and outside of the dungeon. Unless a strictly sexual relationship is what you’re looking for, make sure you see each other in the real world. Can you have dinner with him and not just sit and stare at your plate because your vegetables are more interesting to have a conversation with than he is? It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of a new relationship, but you can only have sex for so long before you have to talk.

7. He will never make you do things you don’t want to do. Ok, I’m not talking about pushing your limits or role playing dubious consent scenarios. I’m talking about making you do things against your will that you don’t want to do. It is ok if sometimes you just don’t want to have sex, or play in the dungeon, or do a scene. While in romance books the hero would pull some magical sexual elixir out of his bag of erotic tricks and change your mind, in the real world you get sick, you get tired, and sometimes you just want to cuddle and be held. If he forces you to have sex and you say no and safeword out, that is rape.

8. He’ll be ok about taking things slow and getting to know each other before strapping you to the St. Andrew’s Cross. Just because you don’t drop to your knees and worship him at your first opportunity doesn’t make you a bad sub, it makes him a jerk. He should be interested in you, not just what you can do for him sexually. Even if you just want to be his BDSM booty call, make sure he sees you as a human being. One of the main personality traits in serial killers is that they don’t view people as people, but as objects. Don’t ever let anyone make you an object.

9. He has a sense of humor. Seriously, this is important. So much of life is filled with ‘you’re either going to laugh or cry’ moments and you want a man with you that is going to make you laugh. Fifty years down the road when gravity has taken that fine ass south a bit you’ll be glad you have a Dom who can still make you giggle.

10. Educated. I’m not saying that he has to hold a PHD in astrophysics, but you want a man who you can hold a conversation with. Intelligence is sexy and in BDSM essential. You want a Dom who is smart enough to push you when you need to be pushed, wise enough to back off and cuddle you when you need a cuddle, and intelligent enough to not bore you to tears when he isn’t making you beg for mercy. ;)

I hope this list has helped you a bit in your efforts to find a Dom. At the end of the day it’s just you and the man(or woman) on the other side of the whip so make sure it is someone worthy of the incredible gift of your submission. You are special, beautiful, and someone to be cherished. You deserve a man who treats you as such.

About Ann Mayburn

With over thirty published books, Ann is Queen of the Castle to her wonderful husband and three sons in the mountains of West Virginia. In her past lives she's been an Import Broker, a Communications Specialist, a US Navy Civilian Contractor, a Bartender/Waitress, and an actor at the Michigan Renaissance Festival. She also spent a summer touring with the Grateful Dead-though she will deny to her children that it ever happened.

From a young age she's been fascinated by myths and fairytales, and the romance that often was the center of the story. As Ann grew older and her hormones kicked in, she discovered trashy romance novels. Great at first, but she soon grew tired of the endless stories with a big wonderful emotional buildup to really short and crappy sex. Never a big fan of purple prose, throbbing spears of fleshy pleasure and wet honey pots make her giggle, she sought out books that gave the sex scenes in the story just as much detail and plot as everything else-without using cringe worthy euphemisms. This led her to the wonderful world of Erotic Romance, and she's never looked back.

Now Ann spends her days trying to tune out cartoons playing in the background to get into her 'sexy space' and has accepted that her Muse has a severe case of ADD.

Ann loves to talk with her fans, as long as they realize she's weird and that sarcasm doesn't translate well via text.

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About ALEXANDR'S RELUCTANT SUBMISSIVE

Note: This is part TWO of Alex and Jessica's story. Part ONE, ALEXANDR'S CHERISHED SUBMISSIVE, should be read first for the most enjoyment.

Having believed for five years that his wife and daughter are dead, Alexandr Novikov’s world changes forever when he discovers not only are they alive, but the vile person who tore his family apart was none other than his father, Jorg. Determined to make up for lost time, Alex sets about winning the hearts and trust of his wife and daughter, and healing the emotional damage done to Jessica by their forced separation. Easier said than done when jealousy rears its ugly head, and Jessica struggles to deal with all the women Alex was intimate with after her supposed death.

Jessica has prayed for a chance to reunite with Alex, to be the family they were meant to be, to reclaim and rebuild their relationship. Those prayers are finally answered, but she quickly realizes her husband still sees her as the naive twenty-year-old girl she used to be, the one who was content to let him run the show. Jessica’s grown up during their difficult time apart, and she’s no longer content being a piece of arm candy for her powerful husband. If he’s going to bring her back into the deadly world of the Russian mafia, Alex needs to realize that she’s strong enough to be his partner in name and in truth. Only as equals will they find courage enough to face the days ahead.

Especially since Jorg isn’t done meddling with their lives…and his latest actions will have deadly consequences for generations to come.

Warning: This book contains a rather kinky Bratva lord who likes to give his woman all the pleasure she can handle, with the help of his friends. It includes anal, F/F play, spanking, domestic discipline, and a M/F/F/M/F/M/F/M scene that'll make you squirm.