Book Title: DUNGEON CRAWLER CARL
Character Name: GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk
Top Contestant on this season of Dungeon Crawler World
Race: Tortoiseshell, prize-winning Persian Cat
How would you describe your family or your childhood?
Oh, Darling. My childhood was absolutely fabulous. Did you know I won my first CFA ribbon when I was only seven months old? Miss Beatrice, my owner, knew then she had a champion on her hands.
What was your greatest talent?
Are we talking before or after we entered the dungeon? Before, my talent was being beautiful and winning cat shows. After I entered the dungeon and was given the ability to speak, hmmm... Probably killing danger dingoes with a single shot of Magic Missile. That and winning over audiences when I go on talk shows. Oh, and still being beautiful.
Significant other?
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have never heard the name Ferdinand before, and I have not partaken in a forbidden relationship. I simply will not discuss the details of any alleged affair to the media. No more questions on this subject, please. Next!
Biggest challenge in relationships?
I said no more questions about any theoretical secret, torrid love affairs. Do I have to end this interview early? I will walk out right now.
Where do you live?
Well, I did live in Seattle before the disgusting aliens came and turned our planet into the set of their reality television series, Dungeon Crawler World. Now I am, uh, shopping for a new home.
Do you have any enemies?
Oh, yes. Too many to name. From Judge Lucian, a cat show judge who is simply a pervert to Angel the cocker spaniel who has a why-are-you-always-licking-yourself disorder that is quite disgusting, and I don’t see why her owner hasn’t yet sold her to a glue factory or whatever they do with defective cocker spaniels. Oh, and I suppose the Syndicate, the alien conglomerate that destroyed Earth. Those guys are awful, too. Though I am quite fond of our entertainment agent, Zev. She and I often discuss Gossip Girl, the greatest television series of all time.
How do you feel about the place where you are now? Is there something you are particularly attached to, or particularly repelled by, in this place?
The dungeon? My goodness. It is revolting. Things drip from the ceiling, and I simply cannot deal with things that drip. It’s damp. It smells like Carl’s gym bag. Goblins are always exploding. It’s quite distressing.
Do you have children, pets, both, or neither?
OMG, now that’s a great question. I have a child. His name is Mongo, and he is my life and my joy. I suppose my royal bodyguard, Carl, can be described as a pet as well. I will forward you Mongo’s media kit. He is destined for greatness.
What do you do for a living?
Why, Darling. I am a star.
Is there something that you need or want that you don’t have? For yourself or for someone important to you?
What I need is to get out of this ghastly dungeon. What I need is for the viewers to put me on the top ten list. What I need is for Carl to lead me down to the 18th floor of the dungeon so we can go home and reunite with Miss Beatrice. I know she and Carl broke up before the dungeon even happened, but I simply will not allow myself to come from a broken home.
Why don’t you have it? What is in the way?
I don’t have what I want because I am surrounded by incompetent nincompoops. For example, I feel as if I’m being asked questions by someone who clearly didn’t read my question rider ahead of time. All interview requests require snacks to be delivered pre-interview. So why is it my stomach is rumbling?
Also, I believe you forgot to add the final question, which I believe should be, “what can I, an undying fan, do to show my support?”
Well, I am glad you asked. I have recently learned that there is a fan club forming throughout the galaxy called the Princess Posse. Find a chapter. Join up. Read about my manservant’s adventures in his little book, DUNGEON CRAWLER CARL. That’s what you can do. Thank you for your time. No more questions! No more questions!
The apocalypse will be televised! Welcome to the first book in the wildly popular and addictive Dungeon Crawler Carl series by Matt Dinniman—now with bonus material exclusive to this print edition.
You know what’s worse than breaking up with your girlfriend? Being stuck with her prize-winning show cat. And you know what’s worse than that? An alien invasion, the destruction of all man-made structures on Earth, and the systematic exploitation of all the survivors for a sadistic intergalactic game show. That’s what.
Join Coast Guard vet Carl and his ex-girlfriend’s cat, Princess Donut, as they try to survive the end of the world—or just get to the next level—in a video game–like, trap-filled fantasy dungeon. A dungeon that’s actually the set of a reality television show with countless viewers across the galaxy. Exploding goblins. Magical potions. Deadly, drug-dealing llamas. This ain’t your ordinary game show.
Welcome, Crawler. Welcome to the Dungeon. Survival is optional. Keeping the viewers entertained is not.
Fiction Media Tie-In [Ace, On Sale: August 27, 2024, Hardcover / e-Book, ISBN: 9780593820247 / ]
Matt Dinniman is the best-selling writer and artist from Gig Harbor, Washington. He is the published author of dozens of short stories and a gaggle of books. In addition, his art publications—from greeting cards to stationery kits to calendars—can be found in boutique and stationery shops around the world. Also, he strongly feels like a pretentious twat when he writes about himself in third person.
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