Top 10 Secret Fears of a New Bride
For many years, I owned a bridal boutique where I designed custom-made dresses in a quaint studio. The serene atmosphere often prompted soul-searching and, consequently, many tears were shed. I’ve been told I have that effect on people. Designing, cutting, sewing, and fittings all occurred in a tranquil environment where I spent most of my time listening. Choosing a dress was an important decision, but there were also many other concerns that sometimes surprised me. I spent so much tie listening, that I learned a great deal about the human spirit, even during what was supposed to be the happiest moment of someone’s life. I learned more than I ever expected and eventually figured out the best advice to allay those fears. Here, I’ll start with the most common and count down to the most surprising.
Mother-In-Laws
There was no greater bone of contention than the worry of satisfying a future mom-in-law in choosing the right dress. The stress of wanting to be accepted is universal. The dress is the primary representation of where styles will clash. Many times, I’ve seen both mother and mothers-in-law attend the design and fitting discussion. The tension is usually high, and the bride is the least happy with the final decision. The best thing to do is put together a style board and make a lunch date for discussion, mom’s separately of course, then try to make as few compromises as possible because in the end what you love and feel confident in, is really all that matters.
Children at the Wedding
I cannot express how strenuous this decision is on a bride. If anyone had ever told me there would be tears shed about having to decide whether children were in attendance or not, I would have said, no way. Who doesn’t want those adorable little flower girls and toddlers cooing throughout the ceremony? Even though the choice is usually made subliminally at the very moment the venue, date, and time are decided, it’s difficult to say it out loud. For example, an evening cocktail style wedding assuredly infers, ‘no children’. Right along with nuptials on a cruise ship, a tiny boat, in another country, or on dry land at $200 per plate. This awkward conversation is the most difficult to have, especially with close relatives. If children aren’t part of the plan, it should be stated clearly and early so guests can make arrangements.
I suggest using a RSVP card to offer apologies up front. We apologize but due to limitations children under the age of "x", cannot be in attendance. Thank you so much for your understanding.
Invitation List
By now, the list of invitees has grown bigger than anticipated, so it makes sense to start cutting back. The first on the cut list are the distant relatives who aren’t going to notice if their invitation is lost in the mail. There’s the uncle who takes a few too many liberties or the aunt, who makes everyone uncomfortable by talking about her latest surgery with pictures attached. Wrestling with these decisions makes for many a sleepless night.
This is one area I’ve treaded lightly on. All I can suggest is to make it a collaborative effort. Split the list into four sections, mom, mother-in-law, fiancé, and bride with an equal number split for invites. The list surprisingly becomes very similar and even overlaps.
Exes
Exes are everywhere, the ones who never quite went away. A bride’s brother’s best friend could be an ex. They seem to be hiding in plain sight. Apparently, no one even remembers they’re an ex until this very momentous occasion. Only on this special day, do they become so glaringly an ex.
I’ve often listened to the fears and concerns and wondered how these people(exes) have managed to stay in their orbit at all, if their capable of causing this much anxiety.
But that is what begs the question; if the Ex hasn’t been a problem all this time, why suddenly worry about it now? Exes are exes for a reason. The odds of them declaring undying love like a Romcom at the 12th hour, are slim to none.
Flowers
This is a monumental area of sentimentality. I’ve seen the bridal budget for flowers be larger than everything else in its entirety. At one point, I thought, I’m in the wrong business. My goodness, flowers can be an exorbitant cost. Picking a favorite flower that happens to not be in season for your special day can cost upwards of ten times the amount versus a type that is in season. Flowers are serious business. All I can say is, be flexible.
Caterers
Yes, I’ve witnessed gut wrenching turmoil over food choices. The food and cake act as a competitive gauntlet. It’s as if how much money spent or not spent, on the display and quality of the catering dictates the quality of the marriage. Let me tell you, this was a shock of information. To be judged on cold shrimp or soggy pate seemed like an awful lot of unnecessary pressure. I always assumed as long as there were plenty of sparkling beverages and good music, no one would notice.
And that’s my advice, keep the music and glasses full. No one goes home at the end of the night talking about how good the duck or filet mignon was. It’s the music. It’s the atmosphere. It’s the laughter.
Bridesmaids
Choosing a maid of honor was akin to a horror film. Just like a scary movie, behind each door was a different set of life and death consequences. How do you choose between a relative and a friend? The pros and cons list becomes a contest. In the words of the great Janet Jackson; What have you done for me lately? After listening to the list of candidates and the angst behind who had been in their corner the longest, my suggestion was this; There is no rule in the wedding handbook that says you have to have a maid of honor. Simply remove the title and you’ve removed the problem.
Groomsmen
“My fiancé has only one friend and I have ten.” Again, throw out the rules. At this point, I’d pull out the big book of photos from the many clients who sent pictures with one groomsman, or two, surrounded by a bevy of gorgeous bridesmaids. The dual approach of walking down the aisle is completely outdated.
Last But not Least
And now, the most significant, and surprising source of angst I’ve observed, Survivor’s remorse. I always had plenty of tissue boxes on hand, anticipating this moment whether it came on the first fitting or the third. It struck like lightning followed by the anxious countdown before the thunder. Strangely, It wasn’t about their doubts of who they were marrying or their compatibility or timing. It took me a while to understand and recognize what was happening. Was it a complete breakdown of exhaustion? Had all the planning finally sent them into a tailspin? No. And no. It was something different, completely. It was about a heady mix of emotions, a duality of joy and sadness, wondering why me. How did I become the lucky one? In a nutshell, they were waiting for it to all come crashing down.
Here’s what I heard and understood. They were leaving the pact of single friends, maybe being the first to get married, and having this sudden realization; I’m the chosen one. It’s almost guilt. Does she or he truly deserve this moment? As if they’re not sure their allowed to be happy and deserving.
On the outside, they may appear lucky like the world has finally delivered on all promises, but on the inside, they’ve put in the work on the relationship, and on themselves and getting to this place where they’re about to exchange vows in front of peers, friends, and relatives, took a Herculean effort. No one can see the emotional labor, the intensive work, the compromise. There’s the feeling of being the shiny new doll ripped from the packaging, but no one knows all the time and effort that went into the design and production. In other words, they feel like a fraud, a fake.
Over time, I began to give this piece of advice right along with the scented tissue; This is a beautiful moment in time, and you have every right to enjoy it. Who can say what the future holds, but right now, this is your special time. You deserve and have a right to experience it in its entirety. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to smile and laugh, do that too. Just let yourself go with the flow. Before you know it, the party and celebration will be over and you don’t want to miss any of it. You’ve earned the right to feel every and any way you choose.
So the next time that wedding invitation arrives in the mail, just know the invisible struggles that led to the happy couple getting thus far—there were tears shed, doubts conquered, and countless hours of work invested. For in that moment of triumph lies a story of perseverance, courage, and the quiet strength of the human spirit. Drink and be merry and put your cell phones on silence.
Acclaimed author Trisha R. Thomas delivers a masterful new tale of scandal and intuition. In 1950s oil-rich Oklahoma, Bailey Dowery, a dressmaker with the gift of “second sight,” reluctantly reveals the true loves and intentions of her socialite clients, making her a silent witness to a shocking crime.
1954: In the quaint town of Mendol, Oklahoma, Bailey Dowery is a Black dressmaker for the wives and daughters of local oil barons. She earns a good living fitting designer gowns and creating custom wedding dresses for the town’s elite. But beyond her needle and thread lies a deeper talent, one passed down from her mother: the gift of insight. With just a fleeting touch or brush against the skin, Bailey has sudden flashes of intuition— witnessing the other person’s hopes, dreams, and nightmares, as well glimpses of their past and future. To protect herself, she wears gloves to keep from grazing the skin of her clients as she pins them into their gowns.
Brides have whispered that Bailey can see if their true love is faithful, or if their marriage will be a success. Her aunt Charlene has always warned her, “It’s safer to stay out of White folks’ business.” But Bailey will reluctantly provide a reading during a fitting, as long as the bride promises to be discreet.
Now Elsa Grimes, daughter of one of the richest oil men in Oklahoma, has come to the Regal Gown as the least joyful bride Bailey has ever seen. Elsa’s big society wedding is imminent and her gown is gorgeous, but what Bailey’s intuition uncovers when she touches Elsa’s hand horrifies her. Against her better judgment, she’s determined to help Elsa in whatever way she can. But when the son of a prominent family turns up dead on the eve of Elsa’s wedding, and the bride-to-be is arrested for his murder, Bailey is suddenly at the center of a firestorm that threatens to overtake her and everyone she loves.
Women's Fiction Historical | Mystery Historical [William Morrow, On Sale: June 4, 2024, Hardcover / e-Book, ISBN: 9780063344167 / eISBN: 9780063344181]
Trisha R. Thomas is the author of Roadrunner, Would I Lie to You, and the top selling Nappily Ever After, which was a finalist for the NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Literary Work. With her debut novel optioned by Halley Berry and Universal Pictures for adaptation to film, she is currently at work on the Nappily series. She lives in Riverside, California.
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