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Olivia Dade | 10 Best Erotic Romances (from Angie's List of Kickass Smut)
January 27, 2016
The heroine of MY
RECKLESS VALENTINE, Angie, wrote this annotated guide to some of her
favorite erotic romances before meeting straitlaced Grant Peterson, her hero. I
think she was planning to use the list in one of her library displays, but then
changed her mind after— Well, I don’t want to spoil the book. Never mind about that. Enjoy the list! Olivia Dade P.S. While MY
RECKLESS VALENTINE is a bawdy romantic comedy, rather than an erotic
romance, I still thought my readers might enjoy this glimpse into Angie’s
fevered brain. P.P.S. Presumably, she would have censored some of her saltier language
before using the list, but...really, there’s no telling when it comes to Angie.
So I redacted a few choice words on her behalf, substituting gentler
alternatives in brackets. P.P.P.S. These are all real books, by the way. I didn’t make up a single
title! Not even the one with horny blue aliens! * * *
ANGIE’S LIST OF KICKASS SMUT
- Ruby Dixon’s ICE
PLANET BARBARIANS
I’m starting strong, people. This series boasts giant, mate-hungry blue alien
heroes with horns and enormous, ridged [manly protuberances]. Let me repeat that, in case you didn’t catch it. ENORMOUS, RIDGED [MANLY
PROTUBERANCES]. The hero in the first book greets the heroine by [providing an
intimate massage] with his equally-ridged tongue. And the heroes also have
little “spurs” above those AFOREMENTIONED ENORMOUS, RIDGED [MANLY PROTUBERANCES]
that work as either [tumescent pearl] or [chocolate starfish] stimulators. I expect someone to design a vibrator shaped accordingly. Now. Chop-chop.
- Mia Hopkins’s COWBOY OVERLOAD
Two cowboys. Silk rope. Various sex toys. Lots of lube. Oh, yeah. Ohhhhhhh
yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah. I’m ready for my harness, cowpokes.
- Liliana Lee’s THE
OBSESSION
Badass bitch heroine has a 30-dude harem. I mean… ::one-clicks::
- Mariah K. Quinn’s UNLOCK ME
Sexy, Irish chef stepbrother hero. BDSM. An entire hand going somewhere hands
typically don’t fit. Well, I guess we’re stretchy down there for a reason, huh?
- Tessa Dare’s BEAUTY AND THE
BLACKSMITH
I’ll be straight with you: This is not an erotic romance. But the dude is so
strong he [um…vaginally services?] the heroine standing up, without any
additional support. In the middle of a smithy. When he’s filthy and sweaty and
lifting her up and down with nothing but the strength of his muscled arms. So…yeah. New life goal: Colonial Williamsburg trip, because if their blacksmiths
can do that, I’ll rock a goddamn petticoat and cap. Not a problem.
- Lauren Hawkeye’s SEDUCED BY THE
GLADIATOR
Gladiators. Gladiators. GLADIATORS. Did anyone else here truly start
puberty when they witnessed Russell Crowe in a little miniskirt and breastplate?
No? Just me? You’re all [very naughty] liars. Plus, the heroine is a gladiator
too, so that’s right up my alley. Not in a dirty way. Well, kind of in a dirty way.
- Joey W. Hill’s THE VAMPIRE QUEEN’S
SERVANT
A vampire heroine full of femdom badassery. If she isn’t sexually satisfied, she
can literally drain the life from her lovers. So [heartily dismiss] Colonial Williamsburg. New life goal: Become a vampire
queen. Should be easy enough. Tomorrow, I’ll start looking for sparkly, brooding
stalkers with great hair who can turn me.
- Sierra Simone’s PRIEST
Never looking at anointed oils the same way again. Sacrilicious.
- Alisha Rai’s GLUTTON FOR PLEASURE
Two tall, dark, handsome, and damaged twin brothers want the same good-girl
chef. At the same time. Sweet. Funny. Like Cowboy Overload, a ménage à
trois story. Because apparently lots of hot men work in pairs and target normal,
everyday women, so WHY HASN’T THIS HAPPENED TO ME YET??? ::sobs:: ::reaches for vibrator:: ::sobs again when realizes vibrator isn’t ridged::
- Rebekah Weatherspoon’s SO SWEET
Made me laugh-snort, which most erotic romances don’t. Also made me wonder where
all the hot billionaires are hiding in rural Maryland. Does the dude in overalls
at the feedstore secretly flog innocent virgins in his red BDSM room between
business deals? I mean, in a sexy, non-criminal way? If this is happening and no one has informed me, let me tell you something: You
people are in deep [intestinal discharge].
TEMPTATION FROM A TO Z
Library manager Angie Burrowes is in trouble again. Her superiors have never
approved of her unconventional methods, but the latest warning is
serious—another complaint from the administration or a patron, and she’s fired.
With a steamy Valentine’s Day contest to conceal and her career on the line, the
last thing Angie needs is a near-accident while driving home. At least, until
she meets the tall, dark, and sexy stranger responsible for her very own spicy
plot twist...
Straight-laced Grant Peterson has only one thing on his mind: making a good
impression as the new Director of Branch Services at the Nice County Public
Library. On the eve of his first day, however, a lusty encounter with Angie
unleashes a desire unlike any he’s ever known. Their tryst may be one for the
record books, but when he learns he’s Angie’s new boss, will Grant need to check
out on love?
While I was growing up, my mother kept a stack of books hidden in her closet.
She told me I couldn't read them. So, naturally, whenever she left me alone for
any length of time, I took them out and flipped through them. Those books raised
quite a few questions in my prepubescent brain. Namely: 1) Why were there so
many pirates? 2) Where did all the throbbing come from? 3) What was a "manhood"?
4) And why did the hero and heroine seem overcome by images of waves and
fireworks every few pages, especially after an episode of mysterious throbbing
in the hero's manhood?
Thirty or so years later, I have a few answers. 1) Because my mom apparently
fancied pirates at that time. Now she hoards romances involving cowboys and
babies. If a book cover features a shirtless man in a Stetson cradling an
infant, her ovaries basically explode and her credit card emerges. I have a
similar reaction to romances involving spinsters, governesses, and librarians.
2) His manhood. Also, her womanhood. 3) It's his "hard length," sometimes
compared in terms of rigidity to iron. I prefer to use other names for it in my
own writing. However, I am not picky when it comes to descriptions of iron-hard
lengths. At least in romances. 4) Because explaining how an orgasm feels can
prove difficult. Or maybe the couples all had sex on New Year's Eve at Cancun.
During those thirty years, I accomplished a few things. I graduated from Wake
Forest University and earned my M.A. in American History from the University of
Wisconsin-Madison. I worked at a variety of jobs that required me to bury my
bawdiness and potty mouth under a demure exterior: costumed interpreter at
Colonial Williamsburg, high school teacher, and librarian. But I always, always
read romances. Funny, filthy, sweet--it didn't matter. I loved them all.
Now I'm writing my own romances with the encouragement of my husband and
daughter. I found a kick-ass agent: Jessica Alvarez from Bookends, LLC. I have
my own stack of books in my closet that I'd rather my daughter not read, at
least not for a few years. I can swear whenever I want, except around said
daughter. And I get to spend all day writing about love and iron-hard lengths.
So thank you, Mom, for perving so hard on pirates during my childhood. I owe
you.
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