"Drama doesn't stop just because you're a vampire; it just gets more complicated."
Reviewed by Vicky Gilpin
Posted July 4, 2012
Romance Paranormal
Glory thought juggling her paranormal suitors, being
possessed by a demon, and taking care of a fledgling
vampire had been difficult, but when she comes home to find
the demon who formerly possessed her body is pregnant and
blaming Glory's romp with a long-time friend, the situation
gets critical. In addition, a scientist whose family has
feuded with her maker and lover's family for generations,
keeps making concoctions that work on other vampires but
always go wonky for her, the last leaving her stomach lumpy
and bloated, a difficult situation for a woman whose ample
curves were coveted in her own era but aren't as desired in
this one. On top of all that, Glory has to discover why she
reacts differently to these pills and potions: her lover
thinks she is being poisoned, but the scientist thinks she
may be more than a vampire.
REAL VAMPIRES HATE SKINNY JEANS is another installment in
Bartlett's Real Vampires series that
contains the fast-paced and funny entertainment expected
from the series. Glory is hysterical, her relationships
with her shoe-shopping friends and her male paranormal
beaus are heartwarming and clever.
SUMMARY
Someone is eating for two...
Full-figured vampire Glory St. Clair thinks things are
finally going her way. She's no longer possessed by a
demon, the legions of hell aren't on her tail, and her love
life is heating up since she managed to reconnect with her
maker-and longtime lover-Jeremy Blade. When a pregnant
demon shows up on her doorstep, Glory knows that everything
is about to go to hell. Alesa is claiming that the baby
she's carrying is Rafe's, conceived while she was inhabiting
Glory's body. A clever trap? Or could it be true?
Booties and bibs are the last thing on Glory's mind when she
discovers dark secrets from her own forgotten past. Who is
she? What is she? And how will the men in her life
deal with the fact that she may be more powerful than she
knew? One thing is certain. Glory has way more to worry
about than fitting into her favorite pair of jeans...
ExcerptChapter One
"Knock. Knock."
"Who's there?" I said it without thinking, then realized
there was someone inside my head, playing the old joke on
me. I jumped up just as the deadbolts flipped and the door
to my apartment crashed open.
"Your favorite nightmare, Glory St. Clair." Alesa, a
demon who could look gorgeous when she wasn't showing her
true nature leaned against the doorjamb, a grin on her
hellish face. Tonight, she wasn't bothering to hide a thing
and I shuddered.
"You're not my favorite anything. Go back to hell where
you belong." I frantically glanced around for a weapon. I
was at a serious disadvantage with wet polish on my
toenails and a deep conditioner on my hair under a towel
turban.
"I wouldn't toss that polish remover if I were you. It
won't hurt me and it'll do a real number on your hardwood
floor." Alesa sauntered into the room, morphing into her
human form, which was a huge relief. Not that it meant
she'd act human, but at least I didn't have to stare at
razor sharp fangs or scaly snout and skin any more. Total
freak out.
"What do you want?" I grabbed a nail file with a sharp
pointy end. At least I could make her bleed. Oh, wait.
Demon blood, black and oily. Infectious. Not a good idea.
I'd learned that the hard way.
"That's right, sugar plum. Don't want to get my blood in
you again, do you?" She smiled, reminding me that she could
read my thoughts without breaking a sweat. She was still
sporting those evil teeth. "Last time I got inside you, we
did some serious partying." She glanced down and patted her
tummy. "Guess what? I got what I wanted out of it."
I gawked. Oh, no. It couldn't be. "Is that what I think
it is? Say it isn't--"
"A baby bump?" Alesa came closer and I could smell her
sickeningly sweet scent, the burnt sugar candy smell of
hell gone terribly wrong. "Oh, yes. When you and Rafe made
it, Gloriana, you made it, if you get my drift."
"No, that's impossible. I'm a vampire. I can't have
children. My equipment died when I died. When Jerry turned
me." I sank down on the couch, my hand over my own stomach.
It had been one of those unforeseen consequences I hadn't
thought through at the time. I'd been young and so
hopelessly in love with Jeremiah Campbell back in 1604 I
hadn't cared what I'd lose as long as I could live forever
with him. Only later, when the lust had burned off a little
had I realized my hope for children had disappeared along
with my mortality. Tears blurred the room.
"Aw, dry up, kiddo. This is great news. In a way, this
baby is part yours, you know. You were my hostess with the
most-ess while I got Rafe to give me what I wanted. I told
him when I arrived here in Austin that I wanted his baby."
Alesa sank down on the couch next to me and I gagged at the
smell this close. "And I got it." She looked at me
critically. "Quit breathing, dumbass. Vamps don't have to
inhale, you know. Geez, who has morning sickness here,
anyway?"
"Sorry, I guess it was just..." I took a last shuddery
breath. What was Rafe going to do? He hated Alesa and sure
didn't want a child by her. A demon child. Sure, he had
some demon blood, but he didn't want to perpetuate
that. "I've got to call Rafe."
"Sure you do. Call the man and give him the good news."
Alesa leaned back and rubbed her swollen stomach
again. "Get him to bring in some food. I know better than
to expect you to have anything here. Burgers, fries," she
glanced down. "Chocolate milk shakes for the little nipper."
I began doing some mental calculations. It had been a
tense spring, but a peaceful summer since I'd rid myself of
Alesa. That bump was significant. "How far along are you?"
"Do the math, Glory. Six months. And I'm planning to
stay right here until the little demon pops out. Won't that
be fun? We can be roomies." She looked around, spotting my
current roommate's computer on the kitchen table. "You are
living alone, aren't you?"
"No, I'm not. This won't work, Alesa. I have a fledgling
vampire living here with me. And I really don't want her
around you. She's already met two of your cohorts from
Hell. That was two too many." I grabbed my cell phone. I
did need to call Rafe but I dreaded it. He was doing well
with his new club. We'd settled into a nice friendship,
though it was still a bit tense since I'd gone back to
Jerry, my sire, my always lover. Oh, God, what would Jerry
think of this situation? Nothing like reminding him that
I'd slept with Rafe while Alesa possessed me.
I stopped with the phone in my hand and gave Alesa a
narrow-eyed look. "Are you sure that's how you got
pregnant? While you were inside me? That really doesn't
make sense."
"Sense? What world are you living in, vampire?" Alesa
put her feet on my beautiful black lacquered coffee table.
Nobody put their feet on that, especially not while wearing
high heels, even if they were this season's Prada.
I stalked over and lifted them off and pushed them over
to my tired thrift store sofa. I had a few pieces of nice,
new furniture, courtesy of a fight Jerry and Rafe had had
in my living room. They'd replaced the stuff they'd
demolished and I was trying to keep the quality pieces in
good shape. The sofa? I was saving up for a new one. Prada
was actually an upgrade.
"Look. I'm not buying your story. I think you got
yourself knocked up by someone else. Either after you left
Austin or before you got here. Now head out. Take your tale
to the real daddy. Or let Lucifer take care of you."
Her lips trembled and her eyes filled with
tears. "Lucifer? Are you kidding me? He won't help. He's
furious with me. Because I came back to hell pregnant. He
didn't want me to ruin my figure. Doesn't want brats
running around down there either. It's an adult playground,
he says. Babies spoil the mood." She wiped her wet
cheeks. "Bastard. He could care less about my needs."
"Yes, well, he's the Devil, Alesa. What do you expect?"
I almost felt sorry for her. Except she was such an evil
person herself. What kind of mother would she be? And what
kind of mother would want to bring up a child in hell
anyway? I shuddered. "Who's the real father, Alesa?"
"I told you, it's Rafael. I'm thrilled. He'll be a
wonderful father." She sighed and leaned back on throw
pillows. "This is a miracle. A dream come true."
"No, it's not. But I'm calling him anyway. He can help
me get the truth out of you." I hit speed dial for him.
When he answered, I was suddenly speechless.
"Glory? What's up?" His voice was calm and I could hear
music in the background. I glanced at the clock. It was
still early and the club wouldn't be too busy yet.
"Can you come over, Rafe? I have sort of an emergency
here." I turned my back on Alesa's grin. Oh, but she was
loving this, that she'd get Rafe involved with her again
and that I was the one putting them together.
"Food," she whispered.
"Sure. Can you give me a hint? What kind of emergency?
Life and death? Or just one of your mini-crises. If it's
one of those, call Blade." Rafe was all business. Which was
the way he'd been treating me lately. It broke my heart.
"Work with me, please. This isn't something Blade can
help with. I need you. I have company. Someone only you can
help me with. Could you stop and pick up a sack of burgers
and fries on your way? Oh, and a chocolate shake?" I was
getting mental messages for dessert but ignored them. The
baby was probably already going to be born reeking of
sugar. Who knew what pouring more inside it would do. Bad
enough that it had Alesa for its mother.
"You sure you didn't take one of those drugs again? That
lets you eat? You remember what happened last time."
"No, I learned my lesson." I put my hand on my tummy
that could have passed for a minor baby bump
itself. "Please hurry. This is someone you need to see."
"From the amount of food, sounds like you have more than
one person there." The noise around Rafe stopped, so he
must have stepped into his office. "You okay?"
"For now, but I'll feel better when you get here. See
you soon?" I gripped the phone tightly, wishing we were
back to our old easy friendship.
"On my way." He ended the call.
I turned to Alesa. "I swear." I cleared my throat. "I
swear that if you hurt my friend I will make sure there
aren't enough pieces of you left to go back to hell for
Lucifer to fry. Are we clear?"
"Wow, Glory, get radical, why don't you?" Alesa widened
her eyes. "And, remember, I'm going to be a mommy. Think of
my baby."
"I am. The biggest favor I could do that child is to
make sure he or she never sets eyes on you." I stomped into
the kitchen and plucked a bottle of supercharged synthetic
blood out of the refrigerator. I twisted off the top and
took a gulp. It wasn't as good as fresh, but took the edge
off. Then I hit speed dial and called my fledgling.
"Penny, are you working all night?" I'd seen her off to
her job at a lab just an hour before Alesa had arrived.
"Supposed to. Though Ian's talking about letting me off
early. Trey and I may hook up later."
"Great. Can you stay with him? I've got some company. An
old, uh, friend." I hated calling Alesa that, but didn't
want Penny to worry. My fledgling had a relationship with
Trey, the shifter who worked for Rafe at his club, and had
been spending a lot of time with him lately. I wasn't going
to feel guilty now suggesting she stay with him for her
death sleep. She'd done it before and was basically an
adult. We'd recently celebrated her twentieth birthday.
"No problem. You sound funny. You sure you're okay?"
I sighed. Penny Patterson is a genius. No kidding. A
prodigy with a doctorate and a bunch of other degrees at
her young age. Of course she'd picked up on my stress.
"Not okay, but Rafe is on his way over to help me with
this person who isn't actually much of a friend. We'll
manage but thanks for asking. Just stick with Trey so I
don't have to worry about you too, okay? I don't want you
to meet this character. We have a bad history." So much for
not worrying Penny. But I really didn't want her popping
in, not even for a change of clothes. "Seriously, don't
drop by. I mean it."
"Whatever you want, Glory." Penny sighed. "But I could
help, you know. Don't underestimate me in a fight. Ian's
been working with me. He's got some amazing weapons here."
"I just bet he does. Thanks, but not this time." I hung
up. Penny worked for Ian MacDonald. The vampire was another
genius and had probably come up with some stuff I could use
against a demon. But a pregnant one? That had to give me
pause.
"Glory, you know I can read your thoughts and hear your
conversations, don't you?" Alesa stood in the
doorway. "Come back to the living room and tell me what
you've been up to lately. Who is this Penny?"
"Like I'd confide in you? Forget Penny. Sit on the sofa
and wait for your food." I finished my synthetic and rinsed
out the bottle for the recycle bin. Good thing I didn't
need to inhale, because the sweet stench of hell would have
put me off my drink completely. When I heard the knock on
the door, I realized I still had a turban on my head and no
makeup. Swell. The only upside of this is that Alesa's news
was bound to take my looks completely off Rafe's radar. At
least my jeans were clean and hugged my butt and my t-shirt
was a flattering red color.
I walked to the door, aware of Alesa's eyes following
me. She had a smirk on her face that made me want to slap
her. My stomach knotted as I threw the deadbolts.
"I could smell demon from the bottom of the stairs,
Gloriana. What the hell is going on here?" Jeremy Blade, my
lover and my maker, strode into the room. He stopped at the
foot of the couch and stared at Alesa, who stretched as if
to show off her plump breasts in her low-cut violet
sweater. He didn't seem to notice, busy pulling one of his
knives out of his boot.
"Jerry, stop. You know you can't kill a demon with a
knife." I put my hand on his arm. I wasn't sure what it
took to kill a demon. Everything we'd tried had failed.
They seemed indestructible. The most you could hope to do
in a fight was to send them back to hell and it took a
priest or other type of holy man and some other powerful
stuff for that.
"Maybe not, but I could enjoy trying." Jerry wasn't
about to put his knife away. "What's this bitch doing here?"
"Causing trouble, what else?" I pulled Jerry toward the
kitchen. "Alesa, don't say a word. Please. Let me handle
this." I gave her a look that she actually heeded. She just
sat back with a smile and a wave.
"Handle what? Me?" Jerry looked down at my hand on his
arm. "I thought we were finally done with demons."
"So did I." I sighed and leaned against him once I had
him in the kitchen. Jerry and I had been through some
really rough times. He'd managed to forgive me for
betraying him with Rafe, who was part demon. I'd blamed my
infidelity on Alesa being inside me. Demon tricks. Then
other demons had come back and made more mischief in our
lives. Through it all, Jerry had been there for me.
I held onto him. He'd positively hate this latest
development, but he'd see it as nothing to do with us. Rafe
had a problem, end of story. I was going to have a fight on
my hands if I wanted to help see my friend through this.
And I was determined to do just that.
"She's pregnant, Jer." I looked up when I said this. To
gauge Jerry's reaction.
"The hell you say." He slid his knife back into his
boot. "Why'd she show up here?"
"She claims it's Rafe's child. Made while she was inside
me."
"That's a cock and bull story if I ever heard one."
Jerry shook his head. "She wasn't corporeal. And you..." He
hugged me. "Sorry, lass, but you've got to know you can't
conceive a child."
"I know that. I said the same thing to her. But here she
is, stomach swollen, claiming Lucifer kicked her out for
being pregnant and saying it's Rafe's." I pushed
back. "He's on his way."
"Let them hash this out, demon to demon." Jerry watched
me with narrowed eyes.
"You know I can't do that." I sighed. Now it started.
Jerry would never understand the depth of my attachment to
Rafe, the man who had guarded me for five long years. He'd
risked his life for me and shared secrets that I'd told no
one else. I loved Rafe. Just as I loved Jerry. Well, maybe
not just as. Jerry and I had a long and turbulent history,
four hundred years worth. Rafe and I were friends, briefly
lovers and equals in a way Jer and I could never be.
"You could leave them to it, but you won't." Jerry
turned to stare into the living room. "I see no way for
this to be resolved without you getting hurt." He faced me
again and shook his head. "Demons play dirty, you know
that. Alesa will make sure you have naught to do with
Rafael if she wants him for her babe's father."
"You're right. Yet here she is. At my home, asking for
my help." I bit my lip. Was I being set up? Alesa hated me.
I'd humiliated her in her world, keeping her trapped in my
body far longer than most hosts would have managed,
according to the other demons I'd met. And Lucifer wasn't
crazy about me either. Had he sent her here to get even
with me? I'd managed to best him the last time we'd met. I
knew he'd been pissed off about that. And when you pissed
off the Devil...
"Tell her to leave. To take her brat and deal with
Valdez elsewhere." Jerry grabbed my shoulders. "It's the
only way you'll be safe."
We both turned at the knock on the door. I really needed
to breathe. I'd missed the smell warning of Jerry's arrival
and now Rafe had managed to sneak up on me.
"Well, he's here now. Let's see how this plays out." I
touched Jerry's cheek. "No matter what, please don't pull
out a knife again. That will only make things worse."
"You've got two demons in your home and another one on
the way. How could things get worse, Gloriana?" Jerry
strode toward the door.
He just had to ask, didn't he?
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