Excerpt of Eulogy by Ken Murray

One:

Toronto, December 2000—I visited my parents a few weeks before Christmas. Mom
had left many messages, “William, where are you?” “William, are you okay?”

“William, do you need any more Slender Nation?” I’d been ignoring her calls for
months.

Terry had become a big part of my life, and I was happy. For the first time, I
didn’t want to be alone. I had my work at the Royal Ontario Museum, and she had
hers in one of the bank towers downtown, and we had each other, and we had our
music, and we fell into that inner space that people find when they love
someone. Terry burned brightly in my world, and the rest of the world faded.

Work was still good, but I fell out of touch with home, and for good reason; I
didn’t want to tell my parents about her because I didn’t want to deal with
their questions. I stopped calling, stopped visiting.

But dealing with it became inevitable: I had to tell my parents that I had a
girlfriend, and even though I was a grown man with an established career, it was
terrifying. I shouldn’t have done it, but December has that magical power to
make us that much more crazy. I drove home to Otterton, the Southern Ontario
industrial town where I grew up, for a Saturday lunch visit, blasting trance
music along the way loud enough to make the steering wheel shudder.

Mom gave me a Slender Nation shake, as usual, and after I drank it she offered
me a sandwich, while Dad sat grimly across from me. His short black hair, still
neatly combed, was starting to grey, and I detected a hunch beginning to form in
his shoulders.

“The government,” he said, “is trying to destroy us.”

“I know Dad, you’ve told me that before.”


“You’ve got to be careful. Any day now, son, any day.” “Any day what?” I said,
not sure if he was still talking of the government or had moved on to the
Antichrist. The two were synonymous for him.

“They’ll be coming for us. We don’t have any good sense left in this country.
We’ve got godless leaders. The States are doing much better—the new President
Bush they’ve elected is a God-fearing man, he’ll set things right. We need
someone like him up here.”

“Keith,” barked Mom. “We must focus on the spirit.” Mom adjusted her pink
button, straightened her blouse, and instinctively touched her hair which,
despite the years, remained as red as it was in my earliest memories of her.
“I am—this is all about the spirit. Everything is about the spirit,” he said
through clenched teeth. He pointed at her and said, “You have no idea.”

“I have every idea,” she said. “Or at least the good ones. Stop your negativity,
now, I command it in the blood of Jesus.” He wrung his hands at her and looked
away. She turned to me, “Are you still drinking Slender Nation?” she said, her
hands forming mirror C’s in front of her.

“Yes,” I said. “Actually, no. No I don’t. I only drink it when I’m here, when
you’re in front of me, because that’s what you want me to do.”

“What are you saying?”


“I’m saying that I don’t drink Slender Nation anymore.”

“But you had some just now.”


“I was being polite.”


“So dishonesty is politeness? That’s a lie, that’s sin. You need to pray for
forgiveness, right now.”


“What would happen, William,” said Dad, “if The Rap- ture came right now? You’d
be left behind. We need to pray, together, as a family.”


“No thanks,” I said, feeling a surge of total honesty, the kind of honesty that
has nothing to do with what’s righteous or good. Righteousness may exist. And if
it does, it moves quietly, anonymously, never calls itself by name.

“Please, let’s pray. This is dangerous,” said Mom, reaching for my hands.

“No.” I got up, backed away from her.


“What’s wrong with you?”


“Yes, what’s wrong with you?”


“Nothing. Nothing at all. For the first time in my life everything seems good,
and you’re jumping all over me.” I wanted—oh so much—to show them my life,
perhaps also to understand what had become of theirs, and desire drowned the
logic that said I should keep silent and let them be.

“It’s a woman, isn’t it?” said Mom.

“The scarlet woman, God warns about her,” said Dad. Mom hit him. He sulked.

“It’s not a woman,” I said.


“So you don’t have a girlfriend, still, at your age?” “Which is it, Mom? Is it
scary that I might have a girlfriend or is it weird that I don’t?”


“Don’t play games.”


“I’m not. I’m just trying to know where you stand.”

“So, there’s a girl, then?”


“Actually, yes, there is a girl.”


“So it’s a woman, I knew it. Is she saved? Is she the one who led you away from
Slender Nation?”


“Who is she? Where’s she from? Does she go to church?” Dad was back in the
conversation.


“When do we meet her?” said Mom, raising her voice.

I waited two full breaths before speaking.


“Her name is Terry.” They were both leaning forward, looking at me, and in their
eyes I saw the fear and hunger, that maniac desire from which I’d been on the
run for most of my life.

"From Eulogy by Ken Murray, Tightrope Books 2015,