"Whoever thought being a vampire could be so much work?"
Reviewed by Sheila Graves
Posted December 15, 2007
Paranormal | Romance Paranormal
Elvi Black was accidentally turned into a vampire on a trip
to Mexico a few years ago. Ever since that time, she's been
sleeping in a coffin, wearing long black clingy gowns, only
going out at night and existing on blood alone. She has
friends in her town -- very good friends -- such good friends
that they've advertised for a male vampire for her, so she
won't be alone when they die -- they're all in their 60s,
but she's the only one who looks 25. However, drawing
attention to yourself is against the law -- vampire law,
that is. So here comes Victor Argeneau, an enforcer for the
vampire council posing as a match to her ad and to
investigate the rumors of a female vampire making the
rounds of the clubs. When Victor gets there, he discovers
he's not the only "match" who's shown up. He also learns
very quickly that Elvi is his lifemate.
Only when the male vampires show up does Elvi learn what
her friends have done. She's embarrassed, but decides to go
along with it since they've done it out of love. But geez,
did all the males have to be so good-looking and rich? And
that Victor -- wow! He can share her coffin anytime. But
then she learns she doesn't have to sleep in a coffin. And
she can eat. And go out in the daylight if she's careful --
all the things she's denied herself for five long years.
Well, needless to say, Elvi is thrilled. I mean, come on...
cheesecake! She's definitely falling for Victor, who's
cheesecake of a different kind, you might say. Then someone
starts trying to kill her, and all the visiting males set
out to keep her safe while attempting to discover the
identity of the culprit.
THE ACCIDENTAL VAMPIRE is a hoot! Elvi is sweet, tough,
loving and clueless. Victor is tough, scary, hard-as-nails...
and in love. This latest addition to the Argeneau series
has a great small town setting with a lovable heroine and a
hero to die for. The entire Argeneau series has been
fantastic, and this just makes it better. This is the first
in a three-book consecutive month release event, and I
can't wait for the next two, VAMPIRES ARE FOREVER (1/29/08)
and VAMPIRE, INTERRUPTED (2/26/08). Ms. Sands, you have
another winner on your hands. A very good read.
SUMMARY
Ever since an accident turned her into a knockout
vamp, Elvi Black's been catching her z's in a coffin,
staying out of the sun, and giving up garlic. She knows
there's more to being undead than what she saw in
Dracula, but she can't very well ask her mortal
friends about proper biting etiquette. But when her
neighbors placed a personal ad for her in the local paper,
she never imagined she'd meet Victor Argeneau, a vampire
who could have his pick of any woman-dead or alive.
Rich, powerful, and drop—dead gorgeous, Victor's the
perfect man for a novice neck—biter like Elvi. He's
willing to teach her everything he knows, but he'll have
to do it fast. Someone's out to put a stake through her
new vamp life, and only Victor can keep her safe-and
satisfied-for all eternity.
ExcerptChapter OneIt was a high-pitched scream that woke Elvi. Piercing and
full of terror, it ripped her from sleep and had her moving
before she was quite awake. She started up abruptly only to
curse and drop back down when her head slammed into the
wooden lid of the coffin. Groaning at the pain vibrating through her skull, Elvi
closed her eyes against the stars dancing before them and
pressed a hand against her forehead. She’d really cracked
herself good and would have liked to clasp her head in both
hands and roll around in agony for a moment, but the casket
wouldn’t allow it, and then a second terrified shriek
reminded her of why she was awake. Concern clutching at her, she reached out with the hand not
holding her head and gave the coffin lid a shove that sent
it flying open. She then had to release her head to get up.
Climbing out of a coffin was a two handed job, and
ridiculously strenuous first thing in the morning.
Especially before her first bag of blood. Elvi cursed her way out of the contraption, her bare feet
slapping to the hardwood floor, then hurried out of her
room without even bothering to grab a robe to cover the
white cotton nightgown she wore. Another scream cut the air
as she raced up the hall. A fourth was being issued as she
burst into Mabel’s room. Elvi slammed the door open,
uncaring that it crashed into the wall and probably left a
lovely hole, her only concern was her housemate’s wellbeing. She spotted the woman at once, standing on the bed in her
robe, backed against the wall, silver hair a chaotic mass
around her head and eyes wide with panic. The woman was
waving a body brush wildly in the air at a bat that was
swooping just as wildly around the room near the ceiling.
She was also, apparently, screeching every time the winged
animal came anywhere near her Elvi saw as the bat swerved
to avoid hitting the far wall and swooped back toward
Mabel, setting off another shriek of terror. Veering to the side to avoid the waving shower brush, the
bat swept through the open bathroom door and briefly out of
sight. Elvi rushed over in time to see the bat make a sharp turn
as it neared the far wall of the bathroom. Realizing that
it was headed back toward the doorway, she slammed the door
closed, trapping it inside. “Oh!” Mabel collapsed on the bed, hugging the shower brush
to her chest. “Oh, thank God.” Elvi propped her hands on her hips and scowled at the
woman. “You opened your windows last night.” Mabel sighed at the accusation in her voice. “I had to open
the windows. It was hot, Elvi.” “I know it was hot, Mabel. I live here too.” “But your windows have screens on them. The bedroom ones,
at least.” “I sleep in a coffin,” she pointed out in dry tones. “There
are no windows in a coffin. Trust me, I know it was hot.
But you can’t open your windows until the replacement
screens are in.” “Well, when the hell are they going to put them in
already?” Mabel asked impatiently. “It’s been two weeks
now.” “They had to be specially made and shipped from the
manufacturer,” Elvi reminded her. “Yes, because every damned window in this place is a
different size,” Mabel muttered. Elvi’s mouth quirked with amusement at her
disgust. “Welcome to the world of Victorian houses. Ain’t
it great?” “Ha!” Mabel snarled, and then sat up with alarm when Elvi
moved toward the door to the hall. “Hey! Where are you
going?” “Back to my coffin.” “But what about the bat?” She asked with dismay, scrambling
off the bed as quickly as her sixty-two year old body would
allow and hurrying after her. “What about it?” she asked, continuing up the hall “Well, aren’t you going to get it out of my bathroom?” “Do I look stupid to you?” Elvi asked with disbelief. “I’m
not going near that thing. Call Animal control.” “Animal Control? They won’t be open now.” “They must have someone on call for emergencies. Call and
find out,” Elvi said firmly over her shoulder. “But that could take hours,” Mabel protested. “Can’t you
just get it out? I mean, you should have some sort of
affinity with it.” Elvi paused at the door to her own room and turned on her
in amazement. “Do I look like a flying rat to you?” “No, of course not,” Mabel said quickly, then added, “But
you’re a vampire and it’s a bat…There should be some
empathy or understanding or…something. Maybe if you tried
you could talk to it.” “Right, by that reasoning we should all be able to talk to
monkeys. Let’s try that the next time we’re near a zoo,”
Elvi snorted, then repeated, “Call Animal Control.” “Elvi!” Mabel cried and stomped her foot when she turned to
continue on into her room. “I can’t take a shower with that
thing in there.” “Mabel, there are six bathrooms in this house with showers
and tubs. Use one of the others.” “But-” Elvi closed the door on her further protest and moved
toward the coffin, but paused when her eye caught the time
on the digital clock on her dresser. Whipping back around,
she yanked her door open and scowled at Mabel’s retreating
back. “It’s nine o’clock!” “So?” Mabel sounded miffed and kept walking. “So why didn’t you wake me up at eight o’clock like I
asked?” “Because you haven’t been sleeping well, and you’re
exhausted, and I decided to let you sleep in….rather kindly
in my opinion, but then I’m a kind considerate person…
unlike some people who won’t even try to talk to a bat for
a dear faithful friend.” Elvi scowled over the attempt to put her on a guilt trip,
and then ground out, “Mabel, its Owen’s birthday today. I
have to make a cake and see to the decorations, and—” Heaving out a long suffering sigh, Mabel paused and turned
to face her. “I saw to the decorating earlier and then came
home for a shower for the festivities. I was going to wake
you after I’d showered. As for the cake…” She
shrugged. “You can bake it, they’ll wait. The party can’t
start without you.” When Elvi just stood glaring at her, she waved her
away. “Go on. Go take your shower. I’ll get dressed and
then come help you get ready since I can’t shower.” “Call animal control,” Elvi growled, refusing to feel
guilty, then slammed her door shut. *** “I just can’t believe it. An immortal advertising in the
single’s columns! Unbelievable.” The glance Victor cast DJ was more than tinged with
irritation. If the younger immortal hadn’t been driving the
BMW they were both in, he would have cuffed him in the
head. As it was, all he could do was mutter, “I gathered
that the first time you said it, DJ…which was two hours and
over a hundred repeats ago. I get it. Stop saying it.” “Sorry, but…” D.J Benoit shook his head, sending his
shoulder length, sandy colored hair flying as he
repeated, “I just can’t believe it.” Rolling his eyes, Victor turned to peer out the tinted car
window at the passing night. They were on the highway on
the last leg of a two and a half hour journey and DJ was
speeding, flying past the bright lights of vehicle after
vehicle, leaving them behind with little concern for
getting a ticket. Victor didn't protest or criticize. Time
obviously still held the younger man in its thrall, making
him impatient and eager to get the journey over with. Given
more time, DJ would realize there was no need to rush; time
was not an adversary to be beaten by their kind. “I mean, a single’s ad,” DJ said, drawing his attention
again. “What was she hoping to gain from it?” "Presumably, a lifemate,” Victor said dryly. "You can’t find a lifemate like that,” DJ protested at
once, then added uncertainly, “Can you?” Victor shrugged. "Stranger things have happened." "Yeah, but…Surely she must have realized she’d draw the ire
of the council. Advertising for God’s sake! That’s a major
faux pas. We’re not supposed to draw attention to our
people." "Hmmm.” Victor grunted. "Our best hope is that any mortals
who saw it will think it’s a joke or that the ad was
purchased by some unfortunate soul with a twisted mind." "A Whackjob," DJ muttered, and then nodded firmly. “That’s
probably what she is too. She has to be. I mean, come on.
None of our kind would be this stupid." Victor refrained from pointing out that the man had
believed it just moments ago and spent the last two hours
bemoaning the fact that one of their kind had advertised in
the newspaper. He simply let him change his tune as he
liked. For himself, Victor's mind wasn’t made up. He was
content to leave the decision until he met the woman. “What do you think?” "About what?” Victor asked. “Is she for real?” DJ asked, apparently still on the fence
about what they were dealing with here. “How would I know?” He asked with irritation. “I don’t know
a thing about her. You’re the one who answered the ad and
has been sending letters to her for the last three weeks.” “E-mails, not letters,” DJ corrected. “We really have to
drag you into the twenty-first century, Argeneau. If you’d
had a computer and knew how to use it, you could have done
the e-mailing rather than have me do it.” “Which is precisely why I don’t intend to get one,” Victor
announced pointedly, and then said, “So, as you are the one
who corresponded with her, you tell me. What do you think?
Are we on a wild goose chase? Will we find a wannabe Goth
baby playing at being a vamp?” DJ frowned as he considered the matter, “I’m not sure. We
exchanged a dozen or so e-mails, but I didn’t really learn
a thing about the woman. She was irritatingly evasive about
everything.” He scowled at the road and then added, “In
fact, our e-mails were mostly so she could ask questions
herself. She seemed most concerned with verifying that you
truly are what you claim to be.” “About you and what you claimed to be,” Victor corrected,
thinking it a verbal slip. “I haven’t even read the e-
mails.” “No, but I was answering them in your name and so gave her
answers about you.” “What?” Victor asked with dismay. “Well,” DJ grimaced. “You said to answer the ad and try to
get her interest so we could find out more about her.
You’re more interesting than me.” “How do you figure that?” he asked with amazement. “You’re rich,” DJ answered promptly. “And the brother of
the most powerful immortal on this continent, not to
mention a member of one of the oldest families. Chicks go
in for that sort of thing. Money, power…It doesn’t hurt
that you’re good looking either.” “She could hardly have any idea what I look like,” Victor
pointed out with a scowl. “I e-mailed her a picture,” DJ announced. When Victor
turned on him, he said defensively, “Well, she asked for
one. So, I sent her the only one I had. The one of you and
Lucian at Lissianna’s wedding. Of course,” he added,
casting Victor’s shoulder length, dark hair, and black
jeans and t-shirt a glance. “Your hair was much shorter
then and you were in a suit. You don’t look much like that
now.” Victor glowered, and then forced himself to relax back in
the passenger seat. “And what did you receive in return for
this picture and information about my bloodlines?” DJ made a face. “Not as much as I’d hoped. A brief synopsis
of her life and a photo.” Removing one hand from the steering wheel, he reached
blindly into the back seat and picked up a file he’d set
there when they got in the car. He handed it to
Victor. “It’s in there on one of the e-mails.” Victor opened the file and began to leaf through the papers
as DJ recounted what he’d learned. “She’s a widow, and part owner in a Mexican restaurant as
well as a bed and breakfast with a friend. I can’t remember
the friend’s name. Both businesses are in Port Henry. She’s
lived there her whole life.” Victor grunted at this rundown as he found the picture. It
showed a beautiful woman with long dark hair, large dark
eyes and full red lips. The name on the back said Elvi. Victor slid the photo back in the file after the briefest
look. She was a beautiful woman, but beauty rarely affected
him. He’d seen much of it over his lifetime, enough that it
no longer impressed him. It was his experience that beauty
was the best way to distract one from, and/or hide, an
unbearable ugliness. The devil surely wouldn't show up to
tempt covered in warts and slime. He’d present a pleasing
façade. “So?” DJ queried when Victor set the file back on the back
seat. “What do you think?” “I think I can’t tell anything from a picture and that
little bit of information you managed to get,” Victor said,
then spotted the sign for the off ramp they wanted, and
added, “But we’ll find out soon enough.” DJ made a ‘tsk’ of disgust as he slowed for the ramp. “This
is probably all a huge waste of time." Victor shrugged. “Even so, it still has to be checked out." “Right,” DJ said on an exhalation, and then cheered. “On
the bright side, if she turns out to be a whacko wannabe,
we can get in the car and head straight back to Toronto.
We’d be there by midnight, easy.” Victor smiled faintly, but didn’t comment as he watched the
rural road they’d exited onto slowly morph into an urban
area with first farmhouses and barns appearing out of the
darkness, then houses. The buildings gradually grew closer
together, becoming a downtown street. These quickly gave
way to businesses; a gas station, the requisite doughnut
shop, secondhand stores and banks. "We’re meeting her at her restaurant?” Victor asked
glancing over the signs on the storefronts they were
passing. “Yes. Bella Black’s,” DJ said. “It’s supposed to be on the
main street. She said it was on the left, halfway between
the second and third set of lights.” "This is the second set of lights,” Victor pointed out as
they stopped at the red light. They both glanced along the
road, reading the store fronts. "Bella Black’s,” DJ said aloud even as Victor spotted the
building in question. This was obviously one of the older
towns in Ontario. Most of the storefronts on the street
were Victorian in design. Bella Black's was no exception,
but the sign was large and colorful and the large front
window had a mural painted on it of a sleek green iguana
amidst a bower of flowers. Victor contemplated the odd choice of design, and then
turned his gaze back to the road as a car finished
reversing into the very last available parking spot. A
couple got out and crossed to the restaurant. The light changed then and DJ eased the car forward,
passing Bella Black’s as the couple reached the entrance
and pulled the door open. They were treated to a brief view
of light and color and milling people, then the door closed
behind the couple, leaving the street silent once more. “Busy,” DJ commented. “It looks like every car parked on
this road could belong to just the clients of the
restaurant." “Hmm,” Victor grunted. “Try the side street.” They found a spot on the side street and Victor quickly got
out. He took the opportunity to stretch his arms and legs,
relieved to be out of the car. Somewhat claustrophobic,
he’d always felt trapped inside enclosed vehicles. Victor
actually preferred motorcycles, but this was business not
pleasure and needs must. “So,” DJ commented as he joined Victor on the sidewalk. "I
guess it doesn’t matter that you don’t much look like your
photo anymore. She’ll no doubt know you by the very fact
that she doesn’t know you.” Victor scowled with confusion. He hated feeling stupid so
allowed his testiness to show. “What the hell are you on
about?” DJ shrugged. “Well, there are…what? Five hundred people in
this town? She probably knows everyone who lives here.
We’ll stand out like sore thumbs.” “Right,” Victor snapped, moving a little more quickly as he
approached the door. He just wanted to get this over with
and find out if the woman was an immortal or not. If she
wasn’t, they could leave and head home. However, if she was… Victor’s mouth tightened. If Elvi Black was an immortal, he had to find out all he
could about her and take her back to the council for
judgment. As DJ had said, drawing attention to herself with
this ad was considered a major faux pas. He had to find out
what other faux pas she was committing. Judging by the fact
that there were also certain rumors circulating around the
Toronto club scene that a female vampire was living in one
of the small southern towns, advertising wasn't her only
mistake.
What do you think about this review?
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