Excerpt of Waking Amy by Julieann Dove

I opened the door and got out before he could say anything. I waved goodbye and got in my car and drove off. I tried to put a blanket on the thoughts of him with his lips and hands on my body. To suffocate the fire within me. How it felt to be desired. To have someone want to know if I wore lotion or gargled mouthwash. Then I threw a blanket on the thought of walking to my dark front door. I tried, instead, to think of what was in my kitchen to eat. A stale bag of rice cakes, a frozen PF Chang's steak-and-pepper entrée, trail mix, and frozen waffles. I had just bought another box for Wesley. He ate two every morning before work.

I pulled up to my house and took my keys from the ignition. Holding my house key firmly, I began to speed-walk to the front door, leaving my packages in the car for daylight retrieval. If someone tried to grab me, I'd jab them in the throat. Half-way up the sidewalk, I spotted Mark parked along the street watching me. His parking lights were on. Pounds of anxiety evaporated from me into thin air. I slowed my gait and smiled at him. A smile that transcended the need for words. I was safe.

The house was pitch black, like a monster house in a scary movie. The darkness had cloaked it into something fearful. Not the charming little three-bedroom cottage with blue siding and white flower boxes on the oversized windows. No, even the man on the moon was hidden by heavy clouds, threatening rain. Creepy cricket noises peppered the small front patch of grass. I moved slightly, to have the streetlight reflect on my lock. As soon as I twisted it open, Mark appeared and grabbed the handle, stepping me inside. Pushing me up against the wall, he placed one hand on the nape of my neck. The other one grabbed me at the small of my back, pulling my hips closer to him.

My purse dropped to the floor as my lips parted, waiting for his tongue to enter my mouth again. Riots were breaking out inside me. Unleashed passion that I never knew lived inside me was sprinting back and forth inside my chest. His fervor incapacitated me. I fell shapeless within his strong arms. His lips moved over mine, sucking and teasing my lips until he tasted me completely. I heard myself express a small moan. He quickly pushed himself off me and held me by the arms, locking distance between himself and me. Dim light from the outside street shone on his face. His chest heaved up and down. His eyes rushed back and forth, as they looked at me. I suppose he wanted me to say something. What could I say? I was still working on controlling my own rapid breaths.

“The whole way over here, I imagined doing that again. I had no right. You're someone's wife—my patient's wife. The guy that's too stupid to know what he's got. And you have no clue how you've ruined me with your simple beauty and innocence. Amy, you don't even try and you render me a faithful man. Only in my dreams and only with you.”

He walked off the porch and disappeared into the darkness. Disheveled and panting, I watched as his headlights drove off. Suddenly, I awoke. For years, I had been asleep. Living day after day in a coma of my own. Suffering from the repetition of running on a gerbil wheel. Never feeling much more than that I was sharing a house with a man I had conjugal visits with once a month.

But now … I never felt more alive.