Chapter One
RELAX, ERIKA TOLD HERSELF. IT'S JUST TED.
Standing in the drizzle on a busy SoHo corner outside
Fanelli's Cafe, Erika Fredell acknowledged that there had
never been anything just about Ted. And ordering
herself to relax didn't make her nerves stop twitching.
She'd raced here from the gym after working out, showering,
and blow-drying her hair—a lot of good that did, since it
was raining—and putting on some make-up so she'd look good,
even though it was just Ted she was meeting.
Fanelli's was only a few blocks from the gym, and she'd
covered those blocks at a trot in an effort not to be too
late. Halfway there, she'd realized that she'd left her
wallet at home.
Relax. Yeah, right. She was really relaxed, she
thought with a sarcastic laugh.
Fanelli's had been a good choice for her reunion with Ted. A
bright yet cozy establishment, the one-time speakeasy
attracted a cross-section of patrons: artists,
professionals, locals, anyone who preferred a good hamburger
and a cheap beer to pretentious ambience and inflated
prices. It was her kind of place.
Sixteen years had passed since she and Ted had been a
couple, and she no longer knew whether Fanelli's was
his kind of place, or, for that matter, what his kind
of place was. But he was inside the neighborhood pub right
now, waiting for her—assuming he wasn't running even later
than she was. She was supposed to have arrived half an hour
ago, but time had slipped away from her. Maybe he'd given up
and left already, figuring she'd chickened out. Maybe he'd
concluded that she'd stood him up, that she was only going
to break his heart again.
Oh, please. That had been so long ago. Teenagers'
hearts got broken all the time. Then teenagers grew up,
their hearts healed, and they moved on. If Ted hadn't grown
up, healed and moved on, he wouldn't have contacted her out
of the blue and suggested that they meet for a drink.
She gave herself three seconds to check her reflection in
the rain-streaked window beneath Fanelli's red neon sign,
adjusted the stylish chunky necklace circling her throat
above the scooped neckline of her tank top, then decided
what the hell and entered the pub. Anxious last-minute
fussing wasn't going to improve her appearance. She looked
how she looked. Sixteen years older. Her hair was long
again, the way she'd worn it in high school. Not the short,
playful style she'd been wearing when they'd had that
painful, awkward meeting at the airport in Denver, after
she'd started college. Back then, she'd been pretty sure he
hadn't liked her short hairdo. Back then, she hadn't cared
what he thought. She'd wanted a new look to mark the start
of a new phase of her life. No more New Jersey. No more high
school. No more horses.
No more Ted.
But now her hair was once again long. She wondered if this
time he would be the one who didn't care. She
wondered why she cared whether he cared.
She commanded herself to get a grip. She reminded herself
that she and Ted were two old friends who happened to have
both landed in New York City and were meeting for a drink on
a drizzly June evening. They weren't ex-lovers. They weren't
high school sweethearts. They were grown-ups, living their
own lives. Nothing more. She had no reason to be nervous.
Right. Tell that to her stomach, which at the moment was
performing acrobatics like an Olympics gymnast hoping to
score a ten.
Inhaling deeply for fortitude, she squared her shoulders,
pushed the door open and stepped inside. A wave of raucous
chatter washed over her; every person in the place seemed to
be talking at once. And there were a hell of a lot of people
crowding the tables and hovering near the bar. Maybe the
boisterous crowd would buffer them, diluting the intensity
of their meeting.
Not that it would be intense. Just two old friends meeting
for a drink.
She surveyed the room but didn't see him. A waitress tried
to stop her as she worked her way through the crowd, but she
mumbled something about meeting a friend—"An old
friend," she'd said because defining her and Ted as old
friends soothed her bristling nerves—and then she spotted
him, seated at the far end of the bar, a glass of beer in
his hand.
He looked terrific. Damn it.
He'd always looked terrific, of course. But he'd changed so
much from the lanky, gangly boy she'd been infatuated with
that summer after high school. He was still lean and
muscular, but more solid. His face had filled in a little.
His dark hair was shorter, the tumble of curls tamed, and
he'd acquired enough facial hair to grow legitimate, neatly
trimmed sideburns. In his preppy cords and collared polo
shirt, he looked crisp and fresh, impervious to the sultry
heat of New York City in June.
He must have seen her the instant she saw him. His eyes
widened, his smile widened, and he tilted his head slightly.
She strode the length of the bar, spotting the empty stool
next to him, and slid onto it. Bar stools at Fanelli's were
at a premium, especially on a busy night like this. She
wondered if he'd had to fight people off to save it for her.
He'd always been a scrapper in high school, willing to fight
if he had to. More than willing, sometimes.
But maybe he hadn't fought to save the stool for her. Maybe
it had been vacated only a moment ago. Maybe some other
woman had been sitting with him. A beautiful woman. Erika
was so late, he might have chosen to make the most of her
absence.
The notion shouldn't have bothered Erika. They were old
friends meeting for a drink, after all. Not old,
mature. Surely she was a great deal more mature than
she'd been the summer she'd spent mooning and swooning over
him, and trying to figure out what love was all about.
"Hey," he greeted her, then shook his head.
"Wow."
"I know. Wow," she responded, wondering whether
they were wow-ing the fact that they'd both landed in the
same city, or that they were both sitting at the same bar,
or that after all this time, all these years, there they
were, face to face. Her wow reflected her opinion of how
fantastic he looked, but she wasn't about to tell him that.
So there they were. Were they supposed to hug? Air-kiss? It
occurred to her that if they were truly old—or
mature—friends, she would know what to do. But the truth
slapped her in the face. Sixteen years after Ted had told
her he wanted her out of his life for good and forever, they
could never be just friends any more than he could
ever be just Ted.
Her stomach executed a vault worthy of a gold medal.
"Listen," she said, smiling nervously. "I
know it's been forever since I've seen you, but I don't have
any money on me." Oh, God, she thought, I am
such an ass. And a nervous wreck, even though this is
just Ted.
He grinned. "Don't worry about it. We'll be fine."
She managed to smile and prayed he wouldn't notice how
flustered she was—even more flustered because he seemed so
damned calm and collected. He gestured toward the bartender,
then thought to ask Erika, "You want a drink?"
God, yes. The bartender moseyed over, gaunt and
fashionable, emanating unemployed-actor vibes like eighty
percent of the servers in New York. Rather than have Ted
order for her—that would imply something other than
friendship—Erika requested a beer. If Ted was drinking
Budweiser, she would drink Bud, too.
The bartender turned to Ted. "You ready for a
refill?" he asked, nodding toward Ted's glass.
Ted appraised his glass and shook his head. "Not
yet," he said, then took a drink. He set his glass down
and Erika watched the residue of foam drip down its sloping
sides. For some reason, it was easier than looking at Ted.
"So," he said. "How are you?"
She laughed, partly to shake off her tension, partly because
the question was so banal, and partly because she wasn't
sure how to answer. How was she now? How had she been last
year, or five years ago, or ten? How had she been the day
she'd left New Jersey for Colorado? The day she'd seen him
in the airport? The day he'd told her he would never love
her again?
"I'm fine," she said. "And you?"
"I'm also fine." He grinned. "Thank God we
got that over with."
Okay. Maybe this wouldn't be too awkward, after all. Maybe
they'd be able to chat—not like old times, but like two
people who shared some pleasant memories. If they could both
chuckle about the awkwardness between them and the stilted
start of their reunion, she could survive this encounter.
She'd survive it a lot better if she had her beer. "I'm
sorry I'm late," she said. "I hope you didn't have
to wait too long."
He shrugged as if to reassure her that her tardiness was
unimportant, then gestured toward the crowd mobbing the
front room. "I had to fend off hundreds of people to
hang onto that stool."
"Hundreds?"
"I'm lying. It was really thousands."
She smiled. All those years ago, she'd fallen in love with
his sense of humor as much as his intensity, his energy, his
native intelligence, his sexy green eyes and his mop of
tousled curls. The curls were gone, but he still exuded
intensity and energy. And his eyes were still terribly sexy.
Her smile grew pensive. In sixteen years, she'd never met
another man who could make her feel the way Ted had once
made her feel. She was fine with that. She loved her life.
She wasn't one of those desperate thirty-something single
women, willing to settle for any guy just so she could get a
ring on her finger. She'd never fallen in love after she'd
ended things with Ted, and she'd never felt that this was a
tragic deficit in her life.
But . . . being Ted's girlfriend all those years ago had
been sweet.
"How's your family?" she asked, deliberately
steering her thoughts in a new direction.
The bartender materialized in front of them with her drink,
and Ted waited until he was gone before answering.
"They're good," he reported. "My folks are
still up in Maine."
"Your dad always loved it up there," Erika recalled.
"Yeah. East Machias." He shrugged. "Most
older people head south to Florida when they retire. I guess
those New Jersey winters just weren't cold enough for my
parents."
"And your brothers?"
"Still obnoxious," he joked. "They're all
good. Married, raising families, doing the usual stuff. My
sister's hanging in there, too. How's your family?"
"They're doing well." Erika recalled how in awe
she'd been of Ted's big, boisterous family. Four boys! She'd
always felt kind of sorry for Ted's absurdly outnumbered
younger sister, although she supposed a girl with four older
brothers boasted a certain cachet. The Skalas had lived in
Chester, a small town on the rural outskirts of Mendham, in
an antique house that had once been the site of a cemetery,
according to Ted. He'd insisted the place was haunted. She
imagined that any creaks and thumps heard in that house were
most likely caused by five athletic kids storming up and
down the stairs.
"And work?" he asked. "What are you doing to
pay the rent these days?"
"As a matter of fact, I just got a new job with one of
the big international banks."
"Yeah? Doing what?"
"I'm—" she hoped he wouldn't think she was
bragging "—a vice president."
He looked not surprised nor impressed but oddly satisfied.
"You were always so smart. I figured you'd be running
the world by now."
"It's a job," she said, which it was. A good job,
a high-paying job, a prestige job. She'd been excited enough
when she landed the position to splurge on a Cartier watch
for herself, and she'd booked a celebratory vacation trip to
St. Bart's. She'd felt powerful, successful, proud to be a
vice president at a major financial corporation.
But as she was learning, even a VP at a huge financial
company could feel wobbly and anxious sitting at a bar next
to her first boyfriend sixteen years after they'd broken up,
after they'd broken each other's hearts. No exalted title or
humongous salary could change that. "How about you?"
"I work at East River Marketing."
"Doing what?"
He gave her a smug grin and lifted his beer. "I'm a
vice president," he said before drinking.
A warm bouquet of emotions flowered inside her. Delight that
he'd achieved so much, because back in high school he hadn't
been all that ambitious. Pride that he'd risen so high
without—at least, the last she'd heard—a college degree.
Relief that he wouldn't find her own fancy title
intimidating. Bewilderment that she should feel relieved.
"Are you still doing art?" she asked.
"Well, there's some art involved. I'm in charge of
design and production. I design environments that reflect
the clients' brands. We try to find intuitive ways to brand
the client, subliminal ways to communicate what the client
is all about to the customers they're trying to reach. It's
pretty creative."
"You were always such a talented artist."
At that he scoffed modestly. "I drew cartoons."
"Wonderful cartoons. And other things, too. Gorgeous
stuff." She almost blurted out that she'd saved every
drawing he'd ever given her. But she wasn't entirely sure
why she'd saved them, and she decided it was best to avoid
that subject. "You were very talented," she
assured him. "Obviously, you still are."
He shrugged. "I finally found a job that can hold my
interest. It's fun. Every day I'm doing something different.
I can't get bored. They throw money at me and treat me like
a god."
"Really." It was her turn to scoff.
"Well, they put up with me."
"They must be very tolerant."
He accepted her ribbing with a good-natured grin. "It's
a great job. All these years, I finally found what I was
meant to do."
"I knew you weren't meant to pump gas," she said,
then bit her lip. She shouldn't have mentioned his old
summer job. He might think she was condescending or
contemptuous of the work he'd done. He might think back to
that romantic summer after high school, and how it had
ended, how they had ended.
If her comment bothered him, he didn't let on. "You're
looking great, Erika," he said. He leaned toward her
and an odd shiver of excitement seized her, but then she
realized he was only reaching for his beer. His eyes never
leaving her, he took a sip and lowered his glass. "It's
obvious life is treating you well."
"I can't complain."
"Do you still ride?"
"Horses?" She sighed. "Not often. I just
don't have the time to commit to it."
He opened his mouth and then shut it without speaking. What
had he been about to say? Something about time, perhaps?
Something about commitment?
She might have explained that she was a perfectionist, that
to ride the way she'd ridden during her competitive days
would entail more effort than she could devote to the sport.
As a child and a teenager, she'd spent every spare minute
she wasn't doing schoolwork at the stables, training. She'd
been good. Better than good. Her parents still had all her
ribbons and trophies stored in their house—enough ribbons
and trophies to fill several shelves. She'd qualified for
Nationals. She'd ridden in the Meadowlands and at Madison
Square Garden. For her, riding hadn't been just a girlie
thing. It had been her life, her one true passion . . .
until she'd started dating Ted.
Now, she was doing other things, pursuing other passions . .
.although, for the life of her, she wasn't sure what those
passions might be. The job she'd just landed was a major
score, but it wasn't her passion. How could high-stress
paper-pushing at a financial company be anybody's passion?
"So," he said with disconcerting nonchalance,
"are you seeing anyone?"
She imitated his casual tone when she replied, "I'm
seeing lots of people." Which was both true and false.
In Fanelli's alone, she could see several dozen people.
She knew what Ted was asking, of course. And sure, she was
seeing people. No one for whom the word passion would
be relevant. She'd pretty much given up on finding her soul
mate; she no longer believed such a person existed. And she
was all right with that.
Dating was fun. Sex could be, on occasion, even more fun.
She'd like to have a child someday, and she supposed she'd
need a man for that. Or a sperm bank. She could easily
imagine herself feeling passionate about motherhood.
"No one serious, huh," Ted said.
She shook her head. "How about you?"
He hesitated, and she felt a sudden, painful spasm in the
vicinity of her heart. It shouldn't bother her that Ted was
involved with someone—just as she shouldn't have been
nervous about seeing him at all. They were old
friends, she reminded herself. Old friends rejoiced in
one another's good fortune when one of them found true love.
The tiny pang of regret, or envy, or whatever it was she was
experiencing, was just a vestigial thing, a remnant of
nostalgic memory of their long-dead romance.
"I'm sort of . . . well, yeah," he said.
Curiosity mixed with the regret, envy and other
unidentifiable emotions spinning through her. Who was he
seeing? What was she like? Gorgeous? Blond? Blessed with big
boobs? She smothered her curiosity. Honestly, she'd rather
not know.
"Good," she said with what she hoped was a
friendly smile. An old friends smile.
"I don't know where she and I are headed," he went
on, then shrugged. "But we've been together a while, so
. . ."
"You're a great catch," Erika said, meaning it.
"She's a lucky woman."
He flashed her another bright smile. "Thanks."
"Girls always loved you. You were so adorable."
"Oh, yeah." He laughed. "That's me.
Adorable." His smile faded and he took several long
swallows of beer, draining his glass. "This has been
great, Fred, but I'm afraid I've got to hit the road."
That he'd called her "Fred"—his old nickname for
her, a play on her last name—touched her. That he so
abruptly announced that he had to leave touched her in a
different, colder way. She would have been happy to sit
talking with him some more. Not about the lucky woman who'd
snared him, but about other things. About how he'd spent the
last sixteen years of his life. About whether he valued the
same things now that he did then, whether he still listened
to Phish and Fleetwood Mac, whether he still thought donkeys
were cuter than horses.
Her glass was nearly half full, but this encounter was over.
It was good-bye time. A few long swallows drained the last
of the beer from the glass. "This has been great,"
she said as she lowered her glass. "Thanks so much for
the drink."
"My pleasure."
"I'm glad you got in touch." Shut up, Erika
It's good-bye time.
"I'm glad I did, too." He caught the bartender's
eye, and he hustled over and asked if they wanted to order
another round. Ted declined, placed a few bills on the bar
next to his empty glass and stood. "Maybe we can do
this again sometime," he said.
"That would be nice." Erika wondered if he would
have stayed longer if they hadn't ventured onto the subject
of seeing other people. She wondered if his sudden desire to
leave had to do with his current lover. She wondered why she
was wondering. She wondered why she even cared. She wondered
if old friends no longer described what they were to
each other. Former friends might be more accurate.
Former more-than-friends.
"I'm glad you were free," he added once he'd
escorted her through the crowd and out onto Prince Street.
"Both of us working in Manhattan now . . . How could we
not get together?"
"Absolutely." The rain was coming down a little
harder now, cool drops dancing across her cheeks and
settling into her hair.
"It was good seeing you."
"You, too," she said, convinced at that moment
that she meant it. It was good seeing how he'd turned out.
That long-ago summer they'd been together, he'd seemed so
aimless, so unmotivated. No plans for college. No career
goals. He'd wanted only one thing in life back then: her.
And he couldn't have her. As rhapsodic as their relationship
had been, she couldn't stand to be the one single goal in an
eighteen-year-old boy's life. She'd wanted so many other
things: a college degree, travel, adventures, experience. To
have given up all her dreams and ambitions because Ted loved
her and wanted her to be his wife would have killed her.
Killed them both, probably. Or, like so many ill-prepared
teenagers who'd married too young, they might well have
wound up wanting to kill each other.
Prince Street was even more crowded than when she'd arrived
at Fanelli's. Despite the summer rain, people filled the
sidewalks, strolling, pub-crawling, flirting, on their way
to a restaurant or an off-off Broadway performance or a
gallery opening. Or they were just hanging out, gossiping,
grabbing a smoke, gazing at one another with invitations in
their eyes.
Erika was on her way nowhere and extending no invitations.
She just wanted to leave, get away, go home. She felt a
headache taking shape behind her eyes, blossoming in her
temples.
"So," Ted said.
"Thanks again for the drink," she said. "And
for getting in touch. This was lovely." She'd never
been a good liar, and she worried that he'd be able to see
right through her words to the truth, which was that it
hadn't been lovely at all.
If he guessed she was lying, he didn't call her on it. He
appeared pensive, lost in his own thoughts. "Yeah,
well." He smiled, a crooked, tentative curve of his
lips, then wrapped her in a quick hug. She caught a whiff of
his scent—clean, spicy, irrefutably male—and felt the warmth
of his embrace for a moment too brief to measure. And then
he released her. "Take care, Erika," he said.
"You, too." She managed one more bright, cheery,
utterly phony old-friends smile for him, then pivoted
on her heel and strolled down the sidewalk, weaving among
the milling pedestrians, picking her way around the puddles,
refusing to look back.
She made it all the way around the corner with her head held
high and that fake smile frozen on her lips. Then, in the
shadow of a brownstone, her smile collapsed. The sky wept on
her, big, cool raindrops. And she started to sob.