Even if we meet someone attractive, we can't be sure that
positive relationship will develop. HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT
PERSON TO DATE aims to help readers form healthy
relationships and to spot potential abusers before a
romance gets started. Too charming may be too good to be
Celia John lays her soul bare at the outset by stating
she went into what seemed like a good relationship and
learned when she was pregnant that the man was a hidden
abuser. At the time she did not know how to cope and
thought her baby obligated her to stay with the man.
Looking back, she can now recognise the warning signs. She
recommends anyone in this situation to leave.
I suggest that even if you have never suffered abuse, you
may need to help a friend or relative through a similar
situation. Celia tells us that abuse can come in forms
psychological, financial, verbal, emotional, sexual and
physical. A controlling individual is a common factor.
Forced marriages and 'honour crimes' are extreme examples.
I find it worth noting that Women's Aid sees domestic
violence as violence that occurs in the context of an
intimate relationship, and Celia's advice is also not
gender-specific. The behaviour pattern may be repeated by
children when they grow up, or they may lack social skills
and positive outlooks.
Celia stresses that the abuser is responsible for their
behaviour. They may claim that the spouse has caused them
to react violently, or blame problems at work. They will
try to lower their partner's self-esteem, deride their
appearance or intelligence, prevent them from working and
withhold money and bank accounts. These are all classic
signs. The victims are likely to develop depression and
other health problems, further sapping their resilience.
The abuser literally will not care. They only care about
themselves. A jealous abuser is constantly insecure, or
claims to be jealous as an excuse for the abuse. Abusers
are untrustworthy in every way, will lie and break
promises. Telling an abuser that a partner is leaving may
trigger violence and threats.
The early signs include the abuser being too charming,
rushing into a serious relationship before the other party
is ready, in order to trap them before they catch on or
a better offer. Nobody is perfect but the abuser, who may
be a serial abuser of partners, tries to appear perfect.
Children raised without positive examples and feedback
more easily fall into the trap of the abuser.
Celia discusses self-worth, self-esteem and family dynamic
influences. She gives examples of what is involved in a
positive, supportive relationship, using studies and
current social theory models. I found a lot of
straightforward, easy to follow analysis in her work.
proceeds with workbook-type exercises to help a person see
their situation more clearly and to help them state what
they want from life. For example, a problem may be that a
partner will criticise constantly. The victim can write
down that they are not always in the wrong and deserve
Celia John stresses that professional and volunteer help
available, and the advisors have often survived bad
relationships themselves. A spouse may feel that being
shouted at is not the same as being robbed from; ask
yourself whether your partner respects you, takes your
feelings into account and treats you as an accomplished
adult. If the answer is no, you may, according to Celia
John's book HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSON TO DATE, be in an
abusive relationship, and you should consider your
This admirable book invites readers to take the stance
abuse is always wrong, and they deserve better.
Have you ever gone out with someone and regretted it? Do
you wish you had the formula for choosing the right
partner? Or maybe you just want to avoid dating the wrong
person? If this is you, How To Find The Right Person To
Date will give you the knowledge you need to find a good
partner and escape dating the wrong person. This book will
show you: How to choose the right partner How to find a
good relationship How to strengthen your self-esteem How
to identify an abuser How to recognize an abusive
relationship How to leave an an abusive partner If you
would like to know how to find a good partner and avoid
choosing an abuser read this book.