THE FEMINIST AND THE COWBOY is a memoir of sorts. In actuality, it's the retelling of a segment in the life of a best-selling author, one in which she searches not only for romance, but for a better understanding of who she is as an accomplished woman in today's world and of the evolution of her beliefs with regard to male-female relationships.

Author Alisa Valdes is widely known for her best-selling novel, The Dirty Girls Social Club, so it's no surprise that her memoir reads like a novel. Alisa unexpectedly meets a cowboy and is taken with him from the start. But as in many romances, not everything is rosy, and in this case, the "happily ever after" never comes. (In fact, by the time the book was published, Valdes and her cowboy had parted company, and Valdes is in a new relationship.)

A clear sign that Valdes's relationship wasn't going to last was that she all but forgot about her girlfriends, at least in the telling. Isolating oneself for the sake of a relationship is rarely a good idea.

1970's girls who grew into womanhood in the '80s were hit over the head with the message that they had to be just like, or better than, men to get ahead. Thus, we wore harsh suits with ugly blouses and bow ties in an effort to de- feminize ourselves and become more like one of the boys in the workplace. We were told not to be emotional, not to show softness or weakness. We learned our lessons well...and many of us were miserable. Many of those women who were less than happy have since learned that life is all about balance—in the boardroom, in the bedroom and in one's sense and practice of self. There are times when it makes sense to be a bit more delicate and dainty, and times when it's appropriate to be a bit tougher. Dressing up in skirts and heels is still fun and not demeaning, and we're entitled to use our minds as well as our emotions to achieve our goals. Valdes has learned these lessons, and so have I.

Although I agree with a lot of Valdes's revelations regarding feminism and its effect on notions of womanhood, especially for young women who went to college in the 1980's, I was extremely uncomfortable with the direction of her relationship almost from the first date. It was clear to me, if not to her, that as Valdes experienced her personal catharsis—admittedly jumpstarted by the relationship—she bounced from one emotional extreme to another, from being a tough, take-charge bully in her relationships to fully opening herself up to what was clearly emotional—and bordered on physical—abuse.

As the story unfolds, the relationship is all about The Cowboy's way or no way, even when he hands Valdes reasons to end the relationship on a platter. (I won't spoil it, but I suspect a number of readers will find themselves shaking their heads, sucking their teeth, rolling their eyes and wanting to treat Valdes to a "come-to-Jesus-because-you- can't-be-serious" intervention.) I wondered how long Valdes would put up with his peculiar brand of male chauvinism. Turns out the relationship continued well beyond the end of the book, although Valdes has since ended it and moved on to a new relationship.

Throughout this retelling, Valdes shows herself to be both a seasoned critical thinker and a longstanding emotional wreck. She could as easily dissolve into a puddle of tears as be consumed by rage, which often pushed her to take to Google for research, study, and perhaps, affirmation. I don't think many women would respond that way, but it worked for Valdes. Ultimately, this approach helped her work relationship issues with not only The Cowboy, but also her parents, her ex-husband and her son.

Some will find it difficult, if not stupefying, to read all the gory details, but I found Valdes's retelling both interesting and on some level, affirming. (I'm very clear on what I would never tolerate in a relationship.) As previously indicated, Valdes is a best-selling author. She knows how to spin a tale, in such a way as to captivate her reading audience. She reveals the good, the bad and the ugly of her characters, even when she is one. And she weaves it all together to bring the reader to a somewhat satisfying conclusion, lessened only by the obvious need for that painful relationship to end.

In the end, I'm happy for Valdes. As a result of this relationship, she grew as an individual repaired several important relationships. I also admire her for having the guts to lay out her relationship woes in full regalia. THE COWBOY AND THE FEMINIST is clearly a love story, even if the post-writing, pre-publication reality was that the relationship met its doom. I just hope that in her current relationship, Valdes finds herself more able to control her emotions...and to be herself.