THE FEMINIST AND THE COWBOY is a memoir of sorts. In
actuality, it's the retelling of a segment in the life of a
best-selling author, one in which she searches not only for
romance, but for a better understanding of who she is as an
accomplished woman in today's world and of the evolution of
her beliefs with regard to male-female relationships.
Author Alisa Valdes is widely known for her best-selling
novel, The Dirty Girls Social Club, so it's no surprise that
her memoir reads like a novel. Alisa unexpectedly meets a
cowboy and is taken with him from the start. But as in many
romances, not everything is rosy, and in this case, the
"happily ever after" never comes. (In fact, by the time the
book was published, Valdes and her cowboy had parted
company, and Valdes is in a new relationship.)
A clear sign that Valdes's relationship wasn't going to last
was that she all but forgot about her girlfriends, at least
in the telling. Isolating oneself for the sake of a
relationship is rarely a good idea.
1970's girls who grew into womanhood in the '80s were hit
over the head with the message that they had to be just
like, or better than, men to get ahead. Thus, we wore harsh
suits with ugly blouses and bow ties in an effort to de-
feminize ourselves and become more like one of the boys in
the workplace. We were told not to be emotional, not to show
softness or weakness. We learned our lessons well...and many
of us were miserable. Many of those women who were less than
happy have since learned that life is all about balance—in
the boardroom, in the bedroom and in one's sense and
practice of self. There are times when it makes sense to be
a bit more delicate and dainty, and times when it's
appropriate to be a bit tougher. Dressing up in skirts and
heels is still fun and not demeaning, and we're entitled to
use our minds as well as our emotions to achieve our goals.
Valdes has learned these lessons, and so have I.
Although I agree with a lot of Valdes's revelations
regarding feminism and its effect on notions of womanhood,
especially for young women who went to college in the
1980's, I was extremely uncomfortable with the direction of
her relationship almost from the first date. It was clear to
me, if not to her, that as Valdes experienced her personal
catharsis—admittedly jumpstarted by the relationship—she
bounced from one emotional extreme to another, from being a
tough, take-charge bully in her relationships to fully
opening herself up to what was clearly emotional—and
bordered on physical—abuse.
As the story unfolds, the relationship is all about The
Cowboy's way or no way, even when he hands Valdes reasons to
end the relationship on a platter. (I won't spoil it, but I
suspect a number of readers will find themselves shaking
their heads, sucking their teeth, rolling their eyes and
wanting to treat Valdes to a "come-to-Jesus-because-you-
can't-be-serious" intervention.) I wondered how long Valdes
would put up with his peculiar brand of male chauvinism.
Turns out the relationship continued well beyond the end of
the book, although Valdes has since ended it and moved on to
a new relationship.
Throughout this retelling, Valdes shows herself to be both a
seasoned critical thinker and a longstanding emotional
wreck. She could as easily dissolve into a puddle of tears
as be consumed by rage, which often pushed her to take to
Google for research, study, and perhaps, affirmation. I
don't think many women would respond that way, but it worked
for Valdes. Ultimately, this approach helped her work
relationship issues with not only The Cowboy, but also her
parents, her ex-husband and her son.
Some will find it difficult, if not stupefying, to read all
the gory details, but I found Valdes's retelling both
interesting and on some level, affirming. (I'm very clear on
what I would never tolerate in a relationship.) As
previously indicated, Valdes is a best-selling author. She
knows how to spin a tale, in such a way as to captivate her
reading audience. She reveals the good, the bad and the ugly
of her characters, even when she is one. And she weaves it
all together to bring the reader to a somewhat satisfying
conclusion, lessened only by the obvious need for that
painful relationship to end.
In the end, I'm happy for Valdes. As a result of this
relationship, she grew as an individual repaired several
important relationships. I also admire her for having the
guts to lay out her relationship woes in full regalia. THE
COWBOY AND THE FEMINIST is clearly a love story, even if the
post-writing, pre-publication reality was that the
relationship met its doom. I just hope that in her current
relationship, Valdes finds herself more able to control her
emotions...and to be herself.
The bestselling author of The Dirty Girls Social Club
returns with an engrossing memoir about how falling in love
with a sexy cowboy turned her feminist beliefs upside down.
Feminism was a religion in Alisa Valdes’s childhood home.
Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem took the place of Barbies
and left Valdes impressed with a feminist ideology that
guided a prolific writing career—at twenty-two Valdes was
named one of the top feminist writers under thirty by the
editor of Ms Magazine.
Yet despite her professional success, Valdes hit forty-two a
single mom and a serial dater of inadequate men in tweed
jackets—until she met the Cowboy. A conservative rancher,
the Cowboy held the traditional views on gender roles that
Valdes was raised to reject. Yet as she falls
head-over-spurs for him and their relationship finds
harmony, she finds the strength, peace, and happiness that
comes from embracing her femininity.
From their first date the Cowboy makes her pulse race, and
she discovers that “when men… act like men rather than like
emasculated boys, you as a woman will find not only great
pleasure in submitting to them but also great growth as a
person.” Told with plenty of humor and candor, The Feminist
and the Cowboy will delight the many readers who made The
Pioneer Woman a bestseller—not to mention every woman who
dreams of being swept away by a rugged cowboy.
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