"I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to let the memory of a priest ruin my
entire life! Since he'll always be forbidden to me, let
this be the end of my pain."
So saying, Sydney tossed her sheaf of roses into the water
and watched the waves carry it out to sea. Turning swiftly
away, she hurried up the sandy path to the backyard of the
Brysons' fabulous San Diego home.
Now that the honeymooners had gone, the grounds
overlooking the Pacific Ocean had emptied of wedding
guests. Except for the maids who were cleaning up, Sydney
found herself alone.
Earlier, she and the wedding party had greeted a crowd of
several hundred who'd congregated here after the Friday
afternoon church service. The prominent Bryson family had
spared no expense for their only daughter's nuptials.
Ranger Gilly Bryson King had been claimed as the bride of
Dr. Alex Latimer, the legendary ranger in charge of the
Volcano Observatory at Yellowstone Park.
Like the handsome prince and the beautiful princess in a
fairy tale, the radiant couple in a black tuxedo and
flowing white wedding dress had stood a little distance
off with the pounding surf below providing the
breathtaking backdrop.
Being the maid of honor, Sydney had wanted to look her
best for her dear friend. As a result, she'd taken
particular care to find the right pink-frost lipstick to
highlight the mold of her wide, curving mouth. A little
blusher on her cheekbones, the kind only a close friend
like Gilly would say made her such a classic beauty, and
she'd been ready to face guests.
Among them were a large group of rangers from Yellowstone
and Teton Parks who'd flown down for the wedding, which
had been a huge affair. Somehow Sydney had been able to
get through the festivities without any of her former
colleagues being the wiser concerning her latest plans.
Two weeks earlier, Chief Ranger Archer had reluctantly
accepted her resignation as a park ranger. Per her wishes,
he'd promised to keep quiet about it until she'd left the
Park for good.
Sydney had already vacated her cabin, and had moved into a
furnished apartment in Gardiner, Montana, before coming to
the wedding. No one but the chief knew she'd be teaching
school there for the next year. That was the way she
wanted it. Otherwise people would ask questions she wasn't
ready to answer.
Except for Gilly, her former co-workers wouldn't
understand that her unexpected career change had been made
out of a desperate need for self-preservation. It seemed
that being a ranger hadn't brought the forgetfulness she'd
craved.
After a quick visit to her parents in Bismarck, she would
fly to Gardiner to begin her new life. Hopefully her
teaching duties would force her not to dwell on a love
that was never meant to be. Otherwise her whole future was
destined to be an eternal punishment.
Once more she looked out at the sea. The late August sun
was about to set. Its rays created a golden nimbus that
gilded her jaw-length blond curls. Even without a breeze,
they had a tendency to look a little windswept due to the
expertise of a clever stylist.
As her gaze watched the fiery orange ball drop into the
ocean and disappear, she noticed to her dismay that the
undercurrent had brought her brilliant pink flowers back
to shore. Their battered heads lay strewn across the sand,
a frightening omen.
Normally the tiny flecks in her irises took on the color
of most any outfit she chose to wear, like the hyacinth
tone of her lace-trimmed suit. Once upon a time the man
who was out of reach to her forever — the man she
shouldn't be thinking about now — the man who'd ruined her
for all other men in existence — had told her he counted
half the hues of the spectrum in them ranging from gray-
green to lavender-blue.
Right now her eyes were haunted and resembled a dark sky
seconds before a tornado touched down. Sydney let out a
frightened cry and dashed inside the house to change and
pack for her early flight to Bismarck in the morning.
It was close to midnight when Jarod Kendall pulled the car
into the driveway of the rectory in Cannon, North Dakota.
After the grueling session at church headquarters in
Bismarck, followed by the hour's drive home, Jarod didn't
know how another priest in his situation would be feeling
right now.
He couldn't speak for anyone else. All he knew was relief
that the struggle was finally over.
"Father?" Rick's voice called to him from the bottom of
the staircase after he'd let himself in the house.
"I didn't realize you were still awake."
"Welcome back. Kay's asleep. I wanted to clear a few
things with you before we leave for church in the morning.
It'll only take a moment, but if you're too —"
His deacon stopped talking midsentence. He'd drawn close
enough to see that Jarod was wearing a man's regular
business suit and tie. There was nothing about him to
remind anyone even remotely that he'd once worn priestly
robes.
Jarod had hoped to spare Rick the shock tonight, but since
he was still up, maybe it was better this way. To have
waited until morning would have made it harder on Rick,
who'd be expected to carry on as if nothing was wrong. At
least this way he'd have the rest of the night to absorb
it and talk it over with Kay.
No matter how torn Jarod was to have left the priest-hood,
the luxury to be able to turn to your wife, whether in
passion or the need for comfort, was something he craved.
"Come in my study, Rick. I have some news for you."
Like a sleepwalker, Rick followed him inside. "Sit down,"
Jarod invited before taking his own seat behind the desk.
The other man sank into the leather chair, looking
pale. "When you went on vacation this last week, Kay and I
wondered if something was wrong. We thought you might be
ill and didn't want anyone to know."
"I have been ill, Rick. So ill, in fact, that two months
ago, I took the final step to get well and laid my case
before the church. As of today, I'm no longer Father
Kendall."
A gasp from the other man resounded in the
study. "Tomorrow, Father Lane will be officiating as the
parochial vicar until a new priest has been announced."
Rick's eyes filled with tears. "Why?"
"Before you and Kay moved here, I fell in love with a
woman named Sydney Taylor who left over fifteen months
ago. She was a high school English teacher who encouraged
one of her students to get professional counseling through
the church.
"Brenda Halverson was sixteen, and had just found out she
was going to have a baby. Her first instinct was to end
her unwanted pregnancy. Since she was terrified to tell
her parents, she wrote about it in the daily journal she
kept for Sydney's English class.
"From the moment I met Sydney, who accompanied the girl to
her first session with me, my life has been conflicted. At
Brenda's insistence, Sydney came to all the sessions with
her, but the truth is, we couldn't stay away from each
other.
"Sometimes I've noticed you watching me with concern. No
doubt you were witnessing my struggle to try to forget
her. A few months ago I made inquiries and found out she's
still single.
"Before you attempt to dissuade me from the decision I've
already made, let me assure you I've had fifteen months to
search my soul for what is right for me. Fifteen months to
consider what I'd be giving up. Fifteen months to realize
that once I left, there'd be no going back.
"I'm not like some of the parishioners who've come to me
because they've been suffering in a bad marriage and want
a divorce. I love the Church. It goes without saying I
love my life in it. It tears me apart to have to make a
choice, but I love Sydney too much. Since I can't have
both, I've left the priesthood to go after her.
"You have no idea how I envy you and Kay. As far as I'm
concerned, seeing you together enjoying all the blessings
of marriage while you serve the Church has to be the
epitome of joy in this life."
Jarod noticed his friend's shoulders shaking in silent
grief.
"The question of married clergy has always been out there,
Rick. I don't know why I haven't been able to put her out
of my mind and heart. We've had no contact in all that
time. Absolutely nothing. And yet...I'm on fire for her,"
he whispered fiercely.
Rick's head reared. "Then she doesn't know what you've
done —"
"No. But I'm convinced she hasn't married because she
hasn't been able to put me out of her mind, either. Yet I
could hardly go to her as an ordained priest.
"When I face her, it has to be as a free man. She has to
see me as an ordinary male before her mind will allow her
to peel away the layers of Father Kendall from her
consciousness."
"I can understand that," he said at last. "When your
petition is put through to the Vatican, will they grant
you laicization?"
"Probably not. Leaving the priesthood without permission
is something I'm going to have to live with. But as I've
discovered, living without Sydney would mean I'd only half
exist from here on out, which isn't fair to the parish.
That's not the life I want to live."
"Heaven knows I don't blame you, Jarod. I thought I wanted
to become a priest...until I met Kay."
"Thank you for your honesty, Rick. But not many others
will be as understanding. You think I don't realize how
many people I'll be letting down, who've grown to depend
on me? The money the Church spent on my training? The
effect my leaving will have on the other priests in the
diocese when they learn that Father Kendall has left the
priesthood?"
"But not the Church!" Rick's voice rang out.
"No. Never that."
Rick let out a pained sigh. "You're so certain she still
feels the same way?"
"Deep down I believe she does, yes."
"What if she's changed?"
"That's a risk I have to take."
"Have you considered she might turn you down?"
"It's a real possibility. But no matter her circumstances,
I have to go to her unencumbered if I expect her to listen
to me."
"And if she doesn't, you'll have given up all you achieved
in the hope that she still loves you."
"Yes."
By this time Rick was on his feet. He stared hard at
Jarod. "Did you sleep with her?"
"No. We held each other for a brief moment when she told
me she was leaving, but we didn't do anything but ache for
each other."
A bewildered look crossed over his face. "Then —"
"It doesn't matter, Rick. There was this feeling between
us that transcends my ability to put into words. Fifteen
months are gone. I'm going to be thirty-eight on my next
birthday. Every minute that passes is taking something
away from us we can't get back."