Excerpt of The Dysfunctional Test by Kelly Moran

If one thing was hammered into her skull her whole life, it was to find a mate and procreate. It never mattered to them how successful she was in her career if she didn't have someone to share her life with. Family was everything. And hers was a walk-in closet full of romantics. Very old school. It was shameful to her family that her younger brother married first. Downright disgraceful that her baby sister was marrying before her.

She was supposed to be next. She had chosen someone well suited to her. Someone even her family couldn't chase away. Her parents hadn't even asked his name. They were just relieved she was serious with someone. Prerequisites at this point were a living male.

Being alone never bothered Camryn, not really. In the end, the only person she could rely on was herself. No one else seemed to understand her, or understand her need for independence. It mattered not how she preached to her family about the modern woman, how she didn't need a man to make her happy. They just saw her singlehood as one more let down. If they could, they probably would have traded her for a mule in an arranged marriage.

Camryn could all but feel their disappointment now. The pity stares. The clicking tongues. Poor, poor, Camryn. All alone. No one wants her.

At least she'd bought her own plane ticket. Her family wouldn't know Maxwell's would go to waste. She poured herself a cup of coffee and went back into the living room before the tears could come. Heather would see through her in a heartbeat.

"Why don't you hire someone? An escort or something."

Camryn gave her the best "shut-up" face she had in reserve. "Someone's been watching too much Lifetime again."

"I'm serious. Hire someone to be Maxwell, then explain the breakup later. They won't spend the entire wedding obsessing over that then. You never brought him home. They don't know what he looks like." She didn't know what was sadder, the fact her sister thought the only way she could get a wedding date was to hire one, or late last night she'd thought up the same crazy idea.

"No. Mom and Dad will get over it. Eventually." She took a sip of coffee. "I'd never be able to pull it off with a stranger anyway."

"They're already upset we're not doing an Orthodox ceremony at church. They're going to spend the entire trip obsessing over that, never mind your spinsterhood. They're going to try to set you up with Justin's distant cousins or something. It'll be embarrassing."

Ah ha. The truth. Heather was more worried about her wedding day getting ruined than about Camryn's welfare. Though she did have a point. One Camryn had already considered.

"Heather, even if this wasn't absurd, this guy is going to be in your wedding pictures. I've been dating Maxwell for over a year. Mom and Dad know we were discussing marriage. I can't explain away not wanting my date in photos."

"You need someone we know," Heather said.

Camryn rolled her eyes as the gears turned in her sister's head. She was surprised there wasn't smoke. "No."

Her sister wasn't listening, though. She was on a roll. "Someone we wouldn't mind in photos."

"No."

"What about Troy?"

Camryn flinched. "Troy Lansky? As in our brother's best friend? He doesn't have enough fingers and toes to count the women he's been with. This year."

Heather was undeterred. "Exactly. He never brings a date to family functions. He's not serious about anyone."

"No."

"Think about it, Cam. He knows you. Really well."

"No."

"Cam..."

"No."

Heather stood. "Cam, he'd pass the test."

Camryn snapped her mouth shut before another no could pop out. Heather was right about that. Troy would pass the test.

Back when they were teenagers, Camryn and her siblings had contrived what they called the dysfunctional test. If anyone they dated could survive a span of time with their family and not go clinically insane, and also be approved by the family, then they'd be the one for them. Her brother's wife, Anna, had passed the test. They had joked about it at their engagement party, letting Anna in on the secret. When Justin passed and proposed to Heather, they let him in on it too.

Camryn had never found someone to even try to pass. As time went by, she figured it didn't matter if she brought a paranoid schizophrenic with a toenail fetish home, he would suffice. Maxwell probably wouldn't have passed, but in the eyes of her parents, he would do. Living, breathing male.

Troy, however, passed the test at age ten, when he was first introduced to the family as their foster child. He never talked about it much, but his father was an abusive alcoholic. Having been in and out of their home for foster care until he turned eighteen, Troy had always been an honorary member of the family.

He also belonged on the cover of Playgirl. And knew it. Troy had sandy blond hair which lightened considerably in the summer and was always just south of needing a cut. His eyes were a deep, rich brown, and his lashes were a criminal waste on a man. Just shy of six feet tall, his body was the result of hard work and discipline. But his smile was the kicker. No woman had ever resisted that smile when the wattage cranked.

No one would believe they were a couple. Men like him didn't date women like her. It went against the balance of nature. The world would implode.

One more thing her family would blame her for.

Emily came running into the room waving a piece of paper. "I made a picture of you, Auntie Cam."

"Oh yeah? Let's see." Camryn looked down at the primitive etchings of her young niece. "Not bad, honey. But why do I have a big frown on my face?"

"Because you never smile."

This must be make Camryn feel like crap week. Camryn looked at Heather, who was too busy texting to notice. To prove the three-year-old wrong, Camryn plastered a big smile on her face. "Thank you. I love it. Maybe next time I can wear a smile?"

Heather laughed. Camryn thought it was at her until Heather turned the cell screen so she could see it. Heather: What time do you get off work tomorrow?

Troy: 3. Why? Change your mind about the wedding? Wanna run away with me?

Heather: Lol. No, Cam will be at your place at 3:15 to discuss an important proposal.

Troy: Cam, huh? Must be serious.

Heather: Always is with her. Think about it before saying no.

Troy: Oh no. You're not sending her to arrange my wardrobe, are you? I can iron my own underwear.

Heather: Lmfao. Be home by 3:15.

Troy: K.

Camryn ground her teeth and stood. She was halfway to the kitchen before Heather spoke.

"What? You didn't say no."

When Camryn turned, Heather was wearing a pink baby doll dress and pigtails. Large black freckles spotted her nose. Some of the tension drained from Camryn before the image dissolved.

"I'm saying it now. No."

"Come on, sis. It'll work."

No, it wouldn't. Troy would never go for this charade. And even if he did, this would be one more joke to him. Contrary to popular opinion, her life was not a joke.

It may be sad and pathetic, but it wasn't a joke.