Chapter One: Rebecca
Ben McAllister carried a knife, my name burned into the
handle like a cattle brand. Oddly enough, I remember
noticing that fact while he was stabbing me with the thing.
The police showed me his weapon months later, and that’s
when I realized it wasn’t just my first name—he actually
had my picture embossed into it. A kind of stylized
representation of me, one that matched the tattoo on his
forearm. Rebecca O’Neill as cartoon character, not the
professional actress I was at the time.
It seemed, according to the police, that he’d named his
knife after me, in true devoted stalker fashion. How nice
of Ben. It was a butterfly knife, and I’m convinced that
something so destructive shouldn’t bear such a beautiful
name. Killers are like that, though. They find the poetry
in violence.
When you work with writers for a living like I do, life’s
little details are an herb garden, and you pluck a few ripe
things here and there to give away. Right now, sitting in a
script meeting, I decide to borrow this tidbit from my own
personal history for the greater good of Hollywood. I’ve
been giving notes to a screenwriter for an hour, when this
brilliant inspiration comes my way.
“You could have the killer carry a knife,” I suggest,
arranging my pens on the desk in front of me so I can avoid
meeting Kelly’s eyes. “A knife with the victim’s name on
it.”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” She leans forward in
her seat. “How can a knife—”
“Imprinted in the handle.” I hold up my Montblanc pen to
demonstrate, pointing to the company logo. “He could’ve
named the knife after the object of his obsession.”
“Hmm.” Kelly isn’t convinced. Clearly, she hasn’t made the
connection with my own, well-publicized past—and she hasn’t
made the connection to this clever idea of mine, either.
Kelly’s young; too young, which means she’s quick to see
things in bold colors, not subtle shades.
“You have to realize, if he’s been stalking her for such a
long time, he’s consumed.” I dare to lift my eyes upward as
I talk. “What better reflection of that than naming his
weapon after her.”
From beside Kelly, my assistant Trevor expands on the idea,
his upper-class British accent automatically lending it
more weight. “It’s a classical idea, really.” He pushes his
expensive wire frames up the bridge of his nose as he
talks. “Many of the great bandits throughout history named
their guns. I believe Billy the Kid’s shotgun was Big Betty
and Jesse James called his rifle Bertha.”
Even though he stares at me earnestly as he talks, I have
to avert my eyes to keep from smiling. He’s the real writer
in our midst, capable of spinning a tale faster than anyone
I’ve ever met.
“Okay, sure.” Kelly nods enthusiastically, buying into
Trevor’s fictitious history lesson. “This gives the killer
an almost anti-hero quality.”
“That’s not really what I was going for.” I hold out a
staying hand. “Our killer can’t be sympathetic. I mean,
he’s the baddie. He’s got to be bad. Big Bad. I’m more
looking to convey his obsession with the heroine. I think
the knife does that job very well.”
Ed Bardock, V.P. of Development and my boss, stands by the
window, blowing cigarette smoke through the small open
casement. But he’s listening and paying much closer
attention than he lets on. I won’t allow him to smoke in my
office—not with my asthma—and he refuses to endure a one-
hour script meeting without a little nicotine jiving
through his bloodstream.
“I’m not sure I buy it,” he answers in a gravelly
voice. “How come a killer like that goes to so much
trouble? He’d stab her, The End.”
“But, Ed, he’s a stalker.” My pulse skitters nervously.
“So?” he insists without meeting my gaze. Dang it, he knows
all about Ben and what happened to me. I live with this
pain; I should be able to mine it, mold it, and reinterpret
it whenever I want.
“Ed, it’s real.” I lift my eyebrows, tossing my long blonde
ponytail back over my shoulder. I make sure my facial scars
come into clear view for him, illuminated beneath my desk
lamp, a small reminder that I know exactly what I’m talking
about.
Seated across my desk, Trevor and Kelly squirm in their
seats, but not before blessed Trevor manages to offer me
one of his kind smiles. He loves me. That’s why he’s here
in this job—not just because he’s got fantastic story
instincts, but also because he’s the one person in my life
who can consistently truss me back together. Even though
he’d be happy passing his days at Starbucks sipping lattes,
writing and living off his trust fund, he spends them here
working at the studio with me.
“So it’s real,” Ed says finally, extinguishing his
cigarette in a Styrofoam cup of cold coffee. “But does it
add to the story?”
“I think so,” Trevor pipes in. “I think everything Kelly
can do to show how this killer’s obsession has escalated
over time is key to the script.”
Then, without meaning to, I leave the room. Not physically,
of course, but my mind flutters away. I’m eight feet high,
pasted against the ceiling, floating there. Bobbing above
them all, listening in. I’m watching her, down there; that
girl at her desk with the Montblanc pen and the ruined
face, lost in a company town, in her remote corner of an
oversized studio lot.
This is what it’s like to almost die. The way you see
yourself below, only there’s no warmth to what’s happening
here right now. All that roaring golden power, that love
from the other side, it’s always missing when I feel like
this.
“Rebecca?” Trevor’s black eyes grow wide. He takes hold of
me, tugs me by my feet back down into my body. I was a
balloon, ready to drift away, and he held me tight,
tethered me to this world.
Trevor pins me with his dark gaze. “Rebecca, what do you
think about the killer dying at the end?”
I’ve told him how these anxiety attacks work, the way I
feel disembodied, the floating sensation. If I’m lucky, the
asthma that I feel tightening my lungs won’t overtake me.
“The killer dying,” I repeat, my whole body numb. Kelly
looks at me, nodding, and I realize it’s her idea to change
the way we’ve conceived the whole story. But Ben McAllister
didn’t die. He’s up at Chino serving life plus twenty. And
more important, he’s here; I live with Ben every day, all
wound up inside of me like a ball of hard twine.
Ed’s BlackBerry rings, and he begins talking, already
moving toward my office door. “Go with whatever Rebecca
says,” he announces loudly, making his way past my
desk. “It’s her baby. Time to wrap this one up.” Then, just
like that, we are dismissed from his consciousness.
Kelly tries following in his wake, calling after him.
Totally uncool, but she’s still a newbie. “Just think about
it and let me know,” she insists, looking back at me.
But I know exactly what I think of an ending in which the
heroine wins, the stalker dies, and everything is wrapped
up neatly with a bow. “Too easy,” I murmur, staring at my
Montblanc. “It doesn’t work because it’s way too easy.”
* * *
Reaching into my pocketbook, I retrieve a small medicine
bottle of what my mama would call “nerve pills”. Anything
to stop the out-of-body stuff for a while; I dispense a
couple of tablets onto my desk. It’s been at least six
months since I’ve needed these, and I say a quick prayer
that I won’t need them again after today. Coughing, I dig
around for my inhaler, too.
Trevor leans in my office doorway, slipping his headset
back on. “Since when did development hell become worth
that?” He gestures at my prescription bottle with a
concerned expression.
“Since we started nudging up against my past in story
meetings.”
“Ah, right. The Britney Spears solution,” he says. “Perhaps
you could add head-shaving to your repertoire as well.” He
laughs, but then his expression grows more somber. “But
tell me, should I be worried?”
“Worried?” Such a ludicrous suggestion, even if I did
nearly die in his arms three years ago. “Trevor, I am fine.
Fine, fine, fine. So very fine.” And I mean it; the asthma
didn’t even kick in this time, so something must be
improving. “I’ve been feeling really good lately. Honest.”
His dark eyes narrow. “Which must be why your mother’s been
phoning me weekly to check up on you.”
“No, she’s just convinced that one day you’re going to
realize you’re straight and decide to marry me.”
“Well as your future husband, perhaps you won’t mind me
saying it’s time you got out again. Started dating, making
new friends.”
“I make friends every day.” I kick back in my chair. “After
all, this is L.A.”
“Talent agents and struggling screenwriters don’t count,
darling.” Then his dark eyes widen with irrepressible
excitement. “Look, I know this really cute guy from my
writing group—”
“I’m not sure a date with one of your friends is the
answer, Trevor.”
“He’s straight, Rebecca!” he cries, not bothering to
disguise his frustration. “The fellow just moved here from
Boston to sell copiers or ATMs or something useless and
industrial like that. Does he sound gay to you?”
“Yee-ha. Maybe he’ll take me to a trade show.”
“Since when did you get picky? Let me fix you up with him.”
Again, my hand moves to my face, feeling the harsh scar
tissue with my fingertips. Of everyone in my life now, only
Trevor truly understands. After all, he was there to see
the damage firsthand.
“I’ll think about it.”
“He’s a real hottie,” he promises, “in that computer
salesman sort of way.” I’m about to make a dubious remark
about his taste in men when the whole room goes black
without warning.
From down the corridor, Ed shouts, “Damned electrical
department! They’ve screwed us again.” When Ed shouts, it’s
more like divine thunder, and Trevor snaps to his feet
without wasting a moment.
“Happy Monday to me, strapping lads in tool belts on their
way,” he sings to himself. There goes Trev with his
recurring Ty Pennington fantasy again.
His shadowed outline moves past the shuttered bank of
windows, toward the hall. Moments later I hear him at his
desk, phoning over to the electrical construction
department.
After a few minutes of darkness, Ed bellows, “Anybody
working on this yet? It isn’t brain surgery, people! Give
me some damn light!”
Light. When all I’m thinking is that I can’t read my phone
messages without it. Funny, because otherwise I’m never
more at peace than I am in the dark.
It seems forever before electrical construction sends
somebody over to deal with our crisis. I guess Brad Pitt’s
latest blockbuster takes precedence over our development
staff figuring out the next blockbuster for the studio to
bankroll. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not an executive in
charge of production or anything; I’ll leave that up to Ed
and his team. It’s just about tracking hot projects and
trying to land them for the company. Frankly I’m in it for
the reading. Lord knows I’m not looking for a producing
credit, since unlike most everyone else in this town, I
actually want to stay put in my job, not ascend the power
ladder.
I’m on my cell phone, returning a call to a literary agency
back east, when a huge shadow lumbers past my desk. I
glance up, mid-discussion about the viability of
translating a bestseller to the screen, when the shape
stops in front of me, hesitating, obviously a man shadow,
what with the size factor involved and all. In an effort to
remain focused, I spin my chair in the opposite direction,
toward the wall, continuing my conversation.
There’s quiet mumbling from the stranger, then a flashlight
illuminates some control panel on the lower part of my
office wall, right beneath the covered windows. “Look, I’ve
got to run, okay?” I say, wrapping up the
conversation. “We’re in the middle of a blackout here or
something.” I snap the phone shut, and sit in the dark,
perfectly still. Slowly I rotate my chair in his direction,
although I’m not sure what to say to a shadowy stranger,
not like this. Finally I give it my best effort.
“You must be the electrician,” I say, tugging nervously on
my ponytail.
“You must be from the South.”
“Geez, is it that obvious?” I ask, trying to make out the
guy’s face as he lifts the flashlight to eye level,
tinkering with the control panel.
“Subtle, but the accent’s still there.” Guess all the
dialect coaching in the world won’t rid me completely of my
Dorian, Georgia roots.
There’s the metallic clanking sound of a fuse box or panel
opening as he settles on the floor until he’s leaning low
on his elbows. In fact, from what his flashlight allows me
to see, he’s now stretched out on his stomach like a cat
sunning itself, and I’m mildly curious about a guy who can
make himself so at home in my office. “You figuring out the
problem?” More enlightened commentary from yours truly as
he aims the beam of light into the open electrical panel.
I’m met by silence, until he gives a long sigh. It’s an
exhausted kind of sound that actually surprises me. “The
problem, Ms. O’Neill, is the antiquated wiring system in
this building. Been patched and whatnot for about half a
century, but what it needs is a complete overhauling.”
Ms. O’Neill? How does he know my name?
“Your assistant told me this was your office,” he
continues, answering my unvoiced question. “Not trying to
spook you or anything. Seeing how it’s dark in here and all
that.”
“Now look who sounds southern,” I tease, feeling a strange
familiarity rise between the two of us. The kind you get
talking to someone you’re intimate with on the phone late
at night—in your bed, well past midnight. Or maybe trading
e-mails at three in the morning, when neither of you can
sleep.
“Virginia, if that counts.”
“Not to a Georgian.”
“Reckon not,” he says with a throaty laugh. “Might as well
be a damned Yankee in your book, right?”
“Great, he mocks me.”
“I mock not, Ms. O’Neill. I simply speculate.” Okay, it’s
definite. This guy is flirting with me. A nameless,
faceless stranger is right here in my office, flirting with
me for all he’s worth, and I’m not sure what to make of
that. Suddenly, I’m blushing despite the darkness. And I’m
running my fingertips along the left side of my face,
praying he won’t see my freakish scars once the light comes
back on.
Then I’m unclasping my ponytail, hurrying before he does
somehow see the horrible scars on my face. Or that
strangely twisted half-smile of mine, because the problem
is, I can’t stop smiling at absolutely everything he says.
Next, I shake my hair out, so that it cascades loose along
my shoulders and then comb it forward with my fingers. Not
only does my hair provide good camouflage, but it’s also my
most attractive feature these days. Golden, honey-colored
and long, with natural highlights. Thick and wavy, too. At
least there’s still one good thing that Ben McAllister
didn’t manage to steal from me.
His outline is highlighted by thin shafts of light that
filter through the blinds, and I can tell he’s maybe even
six foot three or so. “I’ve gotta go get something from
next door,” he announces, brushing off his hands as he
rises to his feet. “I’ll be back.”
I nod nonchalantly—as if he can see anyway—and remain calm
despite the way my heart is dancing some kind of wild jig
inside my chest. He vanishes into the dark hallway, then a
moment later there’s the sound of the main door opening and
shutting to the parking lot outside. Only then do I realize
that I’ve been holding my breath.
* * *
“Look, sweetie, he’s not the one,” Trevor advises me in the
dark. We’re sitting in my office—darker than the others in
this bungalow because it was once a screening room for
daily rushes. In fact, Ed still uses it for that purpose
which is why my wooden blinds are drawn closed today, just
as they are most of the time.
“Why not?” I ask in an arch tone. After all, Trevor’s the
one always pushing me to date someone. Anyone at all.
“Because he plays for my team. Gay-dar Central, I assure
you, my dear.” He taps his fingertips on the window for
emphasis. “Ding, ding.”
“That guy is not queer.”
“Why not? Because he’s macho and manly?” He laughs, drawing
out the last word for emphasis.
“No, because he…” Flirted with me? I’m not about to tell
Trevor my interpretation of events.
“I just thought he seemed straight, that’s all.”
Trevor places a comforting arm around me. “Sweetie,
sometimes we gay men can read a moment, all right? There’s
kind of a current that passes, a look, if you will.
Subtext.”
“That happened?” I ask, feeling small and defeated. “You
heard subtext? It was dark!”
“But our eyes met at the front door of the bungalow.” Crap,
that’s right. With the power off, Trevor had to let him in
manually.
“Was he cute?” I ask, even though my hope is fading fast.
“Ah, yes,” he nearly growls. “Quite the sexy lad, but taken
for sure. It’s in the vibe. Clearly off the market, so it’s
a no-go for me, as well.”
So much for my own ability to read a moment, I think,
stumbling through the blackness toward my desk chair.
That’s the last time I decide I’m experiencing an emotional
connection with a stranger in the dark. No, that stuff’s
just reserved for stupid sixties songs, not for me or my
bungalow.
I drop into my seat and feel inexplicably tired. Beyond
exhausted, really, as I wonder if there’s someplace else
where I can go until our development meeting, somewhere I
can hide before the gay electrician returns.
But I don’t leave. My cell phone rings, and it’s the New
York agent phoning me back about the bestseller, suggesting
something of a compromise. Next thing I know we’re
discussing an offer, and then the strapping electrician
lumbers right past me again before I can begin to plot my
escape.
Once I’m done with the call, I fold the phone shut and
begin straightening the manuscript on my desk into a neat
pile. I’m ignoring the shadowy flirt, determined to tune
him out as I stand to leave, when he says, “Sounds
promising.” Why do I immediately think he’s talking about
far more than the deal he just heard me negotiating?
“What?” I ask, rising to my feet. I have to get out of here
before this guy weakens my steely resolve.
“Sounds like you’re shutting down the competition, Ms.
O’Neill.”
I clutch the manuscript against my chest, feeling the need
to protect myself.
“I like that killer instinct.” He’s got a throaty voice
that I find very arousing.
Then I nearly snort with laughter because Trevor’s just
plain wrong. He has to be. This guy keeps striking up
conversation with me, expressing interest. I may have been
off the market for a long time, but I still know when
someone’s a kick-ass flirt. And he’s flirting, big time.
“Killer instinct, right.” I laugh, and it comes out
sounding self-deprecating and dismissive. If the lights
were on, I’d wave my hand, swatting the notion away with an
easy flick of my wrist.
“Well, what would you call it?” he asks genuinely, half-
groaning as he maneuvers low on his belly again. He’s got
the flashlight balanced against his shoulder, and I can see
it’s a tough juggling act.
“Doing my job. And it’s Rebecca, by the way.” I step closer
and get my first partial look at his face. He’s got short
spiky hair, dark with a little curl and attitude to it.
“Nice to meet you, Rebecca.” As he looks up at me, I find
myself staring into an arresting pair of brown eyes. Not
that I can see them all that well, mind you, but enough
that I’m sure I won’t forget them anytime soon. Just
gorgeous, with long, fluttery lashes. Eyes like that can
melt you on the spot, especially when accompanied by a
smoky-toned southern accent, so I vow to proceed with
caution.
“Can I hold that for you?” I gesture at his flashlight with
a quick toss of my hair, ensuring that my scars are
concealed from his line of sight.
“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.” He smiles as I reach for
the light, glancing up at me again, and Lord, it’s a
beautiful thing.
His fingertips brush against mine, rough, obviously
calloused from long-term physical labor. They’re large and
something about their generous size makes me think of
whoever it is he loves. Hands like that can protect you
when you need it most; keep harm at a safe distance. Can
hold you tight when the nights get long and the devouring
nightmares won’t keep away.
Now this is subtext: the simple brushing of his hand
against mine, the resulting cascade of uninvited fantasies.
I’m about to ask his name when a soft voice pierces the
pregnant silence threading between us.
“Michael, can I have some money for the commissary?”
Startled, I turn to find the outline of a young girl
standing behind us, right beside my desk. She’s about seven
or eight years old, nine at most.
“I can’t take you there right now, sweetheart.” Michael. So
he’s no longer a stranger or the ponderous specter. He has
a name.
“But I can walk over there on my own,” she suggests,
stepping closer. “I know the way.”
“Not by yourself, you can’t.” Michael’s voice has shifted
from its semi-charming timbre, and become the authoritarian
vise of a parent.
“I can’t just sit around and watch the guys wire things,”
she huffs into the dark. Her voice is early-morning
innocent, the kind that smells like dreams and comforters
tucked around your face.
“Andrea, I’ve got to work,” he says, kneeling there on the
floor. “You know that.”
“Are you gonna help me get on the Evermore set?”
“Maybe, if I can get you a pass,” he explains. “But right
now—”
“But you said!” she cries, and it’s not a harsh sound, just
a plaintive, frustrated one.
“I said I’d try. Now, go. Back over to the electrical
department.”
“So can I walk to the commissary then?”
Long, weary sigh, followed by an exasperated breath. “No.
You just heard me say no.”
“But it’s only around the corner.”
“Not by yourself.”
“But you said—”
“No, not by yourself!” Only, it comes out more
like “yoursailf,” as his voice kind of snaps, revealing a
whole underbelly of tension in that soft twang of a word.
Maybe they’ve been at this all morning, or maybe they don’t
get along. It’s hard to be sure.
Poor man. He’s obviously quite familiar with the “wear ‘em
down” negotiator tactic because this little kid knows it
well. In fact, she belongs in my line of work. Just don’t
let the agents around here find out about her—she’d make
one lethal weapon in the hands of the wrong enemy.
“You know, I was thinking of heading over there,” I suggest
helpfully. “To the commissary, I mean.” I’m not sure why I
feel so eager to mediate their crisis, but I don’t question
my motivation.
“Really?” The girl turns to me, her sweet voice breathy as
a sigh.
“Yeah, you know, I was going to go for some breakfast. I
could take you. That is, if your…” I hesitate because I’m
not sure what to call Michael. After all, she’s called him
by his first name, so he must not be her father.
“Michael,” she finally adds after a long, impenetrable
silence.
“Well if Michael doesn’t mind, we could walk over
together,” I say, still curious about their undefined
relationship. Only then does it occur to me that if I were
a parent, I’d be suspicious of someone like me, a stranger
expressing unsolicited assistance like I am. I try
searching Michael’s face to see if he’s uncomfortable, but
the office is just so dark, so sheltered by shadow, even
with his flashlight providing scanty illumination.
“You sure?” he asks, a husky-voiced sound of uncertainty,
as he rubs a tired hand over his eyes. It’s not like he’s
worried that I can’t be trusted, that’s not it. Instead,
it’s almost as if he assumes Andrea’s an imposition.
“Of course. It’s all dark in here anyway,” I
explain. “We’ll just go get some breakfast and then come
back.”
“Andie, wait.” Michael digs in the pocket of his blue
jeans, producing his wallet. “Let me give you some money.”
“Oh, no, I’ll take care of it,” I rush to say. “Don’t
worry.”
“No, really, here.” Michael presses a ten-dollar bill into
my hand. For a brief, incendiary moment, our fingers brush
together, and without even meaning to, I step backwards,
embarrassed by the unsought intimacy passing between us
again.
I’m not sure if he even notices, because he turns to
Andrea, reaching for her hand, but she pulls away sharply,
so that he’s left just standing there. Grasping for her and
something about that image makes me feel unspeakably sad.
“Andrea, please be good for Ms. O’Neill, okay?”
She nods, dutifully clutching a small backpack in her hands
like a lifeline. It looks to be some kind of Barbie
contraption, fluorescent pink vinyl covered with glittery
pictures.
“Thank you,” Michael says to me in a fierce near-
whisper. “I really appreciate this.” His gratitude for such
an easy gesture unnerves me in a way I don’t fully
understand, so I just nod, and without even meaning to,
smile at him again. I swear, I can’t stop smiling at the
man.
“Come on,” I say to Andrea, leading her down the hallway
lined with countless awards and framed film posters. When
we head out the front door, there’s an explosion of morning
sunlight so startling that I feel like someone has lifted
the creaky cover off my sarcophagus. Like dust motes and
cobwebs are drifting away from me, toward the piercing
light.
Maybe this is what Trevor’s been talking about, I think,
squinting upward at the clear spring sky. For a fleeting
moment, I even wonder if it isn’t all some fabulous omen.
If maybe the darkness in my life isn’t about to finally end.
The little girl has about the most amazing red hair I’ve
ever seen. It’s not the garish red of a carrot top, yet far
more than a simple auburn. It’s like a deep burnished amber
color mixed together with ruby jewels. As we walk across
the asphalt parking lot, stepping onto the dew-soaked grass
of Chaplin Park, sunlight catches bright strands of color
in it, sparkling like fairy dust.
The shimmering red color is striking, especially contrasted
with her creamy, translucent skin and blue eyes. The
importance of skin like that is lost on little people. Not
a blemish or a mark. Just purity dusted with golden
freckles, like oranges in the snow, across her nose and
cheeks. She shoves her hands in her denim overall pockets,
tossing me a shy, reserved smile, and I can’t help thinking
of a china doll. A fragile little thing that I need to
protect; no wonder I ache to reach for her small hand and
hold it tight within my own.
We come upon several long wardrobe and makeup trailers
parked outside Stage 30, marked Evermore, and she stares
intently.
“So you like that show?” I ask, interrupted when a loud
buzzer blasts from within. “That means the camera’s
rolling, so nobody can go inside.” I gesture at the
flashing red warning light beside the door, and she nods,
obviously familiar with the production process.
At my leading, we dart down a side alley and wind up right
in the Bronx—only in Hollywood, I think with a faint smile.
Though really, it’s only at this particular studio, which
has the best re-creation of New York City streets outside
of the Big Apple. We’re strolling down the deserted avenue
when Andrea announces in a quiet voice, “Evermore’s my
favorite show.”
“Here, go this way.” I tug lightly on her backpack, and
then we’re heading back between more sound stages. “Really?
Your favorite, huh?”
“Do you watch it?”
“No, I never have. Should I?”
She only shrugs, and it’s clear that I won’t get any
further with her on the topic. I make a mental note to
check with Trevor for the pertinent details. I know a
little, like that the male lead is pretty hot. My good
friend Cat Marin read for the show, but they wound up
casting someone else—someone I don’t particularly like, as
a matter of fact—and since we’re not in series development,
I’ve always ignored it.
“Michael never gets me on the good shows,” she says as we
walk toward the commissary. “He forgets stuff too much, so
he can never get the passes. My daddy was better about
stuff like that.”
I’m wondering again about the nature of their relationship
when she blurts, “Evermore is critically acclaimed.” You
can tell this child has been raised in the bosom of
Hollywood.
I keep a straight face, although it’s tough. “Really?”
She nods. “It’s a ‘revelation’, that’s what the ads say.”
Andrea’s got me curious now, and I need to know the facts.
After all, it’s my job to keep my finger on the pulse of
America. You never know where you’ll find great stories—
sometimes they’re right where you’re not looking. Maybe a
lot of things are.
Once we’re settled at the cafeteria table, I learn that her
full name is Andrea Lauren Richardson. Michael is her
stepfather, she says, but then reveals nothing else. So I
guess Trevor was at least partially right—he’s clearly off
the market. She doesn’t mention her mother; I want to ask
about that, but something stops me, something in the vague
way she answers my question about Michael. “I live with
him,” is all she says, gazing down at her doughnut.
“You going to eat?” I ask after watching her poke at the
Krispy Kreme’s icing for a while.
“Are you?” She points to my own untouched bagel and I feel
like my old semi-anorexic tendencies have just been shoved
under a microscope.
“Probably.”
“Yeah, probably me, too.”
After a moment I ask, “So how old are you, anyway?”
“Eight.”
“Third grade?” I probe, determined to learn more, and she
nods in agreement.
I flash momentarily on my own experiences at that age: Girl
Scouts, dance classes, and horseback riding. I spent that
summer on my parents’ farm with nary a concern in my
mind. “Second grade’s really cool, isn’t it?”
She shrugs, frowning slightly. “I guess so.”
We fall silent, Andrea’s eyes constantly searching the busy
commissary. This is the place to come if you want to see
weird aliens, vampires, or even plain old character actors
here for a meal. It’s also a good spot to land spoilers for
upcoming television shows if you eavesdrop successfully on
the right producers’ conversations, but Andrea seems
oblivious to all of that. Her auburn eyebrows arch upward,
and she cranes her neck, scanning the whole of the room
repeatedly.
“Looking for anybody in particular?” I finally ask, but she
doesn’t answer. She only stares down at the table again,
picking at the doughnut some more. “Nobody at all?”
For a moment she opens her mouth to answer, but then snaps
it shut again. Instead, a melancholy expression darkens her
face as she stares out the tall windows into the spring
sunlight. Something’s going on inside her mind. I just
can’t tell what it is.
When she looks back at me, she whispers under her
breath, “I have one, too.”
I think hard, certain I should understand this cryptic
statement, but since I don’t, I lean close and ask what she
means.
“A scar. Only you can’t see mine.” She gazes up into my
eyes with an intense expression, and for a moment I fear
she might cry. Then just as quickly she stares back down at
her doughnut, silent.
Her remark makes me feel self-conscious, but it’s not the
usual deep shame that such comments elicit. Maybe that’s
why I brush back my hair so she can really see the marks
along my face and jaw line. She responds to the invitation,
peering upward for a closer look, then asks in a small
voice, “Do they still hurt?”
“Sometimes. Especially the ones you can’t see.”
Her clear blue eyes widen in surprise. “How many do you
have?”
“A few.” I leave out the brutal details about my chest and
abdomen because she doesn’t need the violent truth about my
past. “You?”
“Only one. On my leg.” I know she must be burning with as
many questions as I am. Dozens instantly speed through my
head—like why there’s such a sorrowful expression in her
eyes. Or what happened to her that left this hidden scar.
We fall silent then, the revelations apparently finished
for the moment. I spread cream cheese on my bagel; she
gives me a tentative grin and says, “So you are eating,
huh?”
“Yeah, think I am.” Gesturing with my knife I ask, “What
about you?”
She reaches for her doughnut and licks some of the warmed
chocolate off the top. “Yeah, me, too.”
Subtext, I think with a smile. That’s what my little red-
haired friend and I are speaking. Volumes upon volumes of
it, without any need for translation at all.
If only grownups felt so safe—and so easy to understand.