Alyson--Yes! I think you've got the key there with "understandable." In the end, a critique is to help you better get across what you want to get across, not to make your writing more like what the critiquer would write/want to read. When I remember that, I have a much easier time sorting through critiques and figuring out what it all really means.
Sherry--words to live by!
Robin--I agree completely. It's that word "listen," isn't it? I don't have to take everything everyone says about my writing to heart, but when I get my defenses up I can't even LISTEN fully. When I do really listen and try to understand, that's when I can judge what I need to act on and what I can safely ignore or deal with another way.
To everyone else, thanks for stopping by and reading my piece! I'll be back a few more times over the next couple days to check comments. Thanks for having me!
Joanne--Yes, that exactly! If you can't take critique (and I do mean critique and CONSTRUCTIVE critique, not insults) then it's really hard to improve as a writer.
Brandy--hang in there! While it's true you never get over it, it does eventually get less awful, I promise. And yes, I do think it's important to have a sense of balance in taking critique--at the end of the day you have to make the decision about what you'll change, and it's important to make sure that's a decision you'll be happy with. Don't ever hurt your book because someone told you to.
Thanks for the good wishes!
Karin--aw, I hear you! I think it's definitely something that gets better with practice, but I also think it's totally fair to talk to your critique group (or whoever is giving you feedback on your work) if their help is just hurting you. A while back my crit group instituted a rule that every week for everyone's chapter, we had to say what our favorite thing was because a few of us (including me) were getting discouraged. And it wasn't because they hated my writing! It was a simple communication thing that we were able to work on and improve. Good luck!
Susan--I agree! It's less scary for me to get critiqued by my group, because at the end of the day I know they think I'm a good writer.
Kai--Some people are like that--there's just no pleasing them. But when I write, I do need feedback--which is why I feel so lucky to have the crit group I do, who are a bunch of smart kind talented people. Sadly it's hard to quit your family, but if your critique group never has anything nice to say and is making you miserable, get out of there and find a new one!
Cindy--Yes! Of course every critique doesn't need to be accepted wholeheartedly. One of the best pieces of writing advice I ever heard (I want to cite it but I can't remember where I heard it--maybe from Sarah Monette?) is that every critique is saying "I don't understand." So if more than one person suggests changes or points out flaws with the same aspect of your book, you may not need to make exactly the changes they suggest, but you do probably need to figure out what they aren't understanding, and then how you can communicate it better as a writer.
Brandy--I'm so sorry about your father. I lost my mom a few years ago too and it was definitely the most difficult experience of my life. I'm sorry I offended you--I certainly don't mean to suggest that getting a tough critique is a similar experience in magnitude or intensity, just that the emotional process for dealing with any change in one's life follows a similar pattern with the same sorts of steps to go through. I don't think this is a new idea--as I mentioned I first heard it from my therapist.
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