Annie and Zach have always wanted a baby and now the time is finally here. But childbirth is not the glorious, natural experience that Annie had hoped for, and as the days and nights after the birth of her son slip into a relentless pattern of feeding and screaming, Annie is not sure what she has signed up for. Trying to be the best mom she can be, she is frustrated by her lack of knowledge and understanding for her little Sam. How do celebrities make it look so easy? When Zach returns to work and Annie's mom leaves for summer vacation, things only seem to spiral more out of control. With breastfeeding injuries, hilarious friends, body issues, sleepless nights and everything else that goes along with being a mother, Annie hopes that she can figure it all out before her maternity leave runs out!
MATERNITY LEAVE by Julie Halpern is a laugh out loud, contemporary novel that is sure to leave a smile on your face. Detailing her daily life with her gorgeous son, Annie lets us enter her world. While hilariously funny, the author also deals with real worries and concerns that many mothers experience such as should I return to work and the feelings of guilt that accompany it, and the constant quest to be the perfect mom that we think comes naturally to everyone else. MATERNITY LEAVE by Julie Halpern is a thoroughly enjoyable novel about motherhood, love, friendship and finding your way through it all, and I highly recommend it.
Julie Halpern's Maternity Leave tells the profane,
profound
and just plain funny story of a professional woman who
thinks she's ready for a baby but her maternity leave
proves
otherwise.
Thirty six year old Annie Schwartz-Jensen is a middle
school
teacher on maternity leave-a time she imagined as
uninterrupted, blissful bonding with her baby. Instead
she
is dealing with her body leaking from every possible
orifice, a baby who won't sleep, a husband who still
wants
to have sex with her (is he nuts??), single friends who
are
clueless, and a mother who picked now to take a vacation.
The only people who REALLY understand Annie are the
wonderful people she spends sleepless nights with on QVC:
Keep those velveteen table runners and non-jiggle stretch
pants coming!
As Annie navigates life with her new baby, she realizes
that
not all Mommies are created equal. But she is determined
to
find her way, love her baby, her husband, herself---even
if
she has to wear nipple protectors for the rest of her
child-bearing life.
EXCERPT
19 Days Old
Two days and counting before Zach goes back to work as an IT
specialist at a local bank. βWhat are you so worried about?β My mom
holds Sam as I drag a pen along the seams of an envelope. Two half-
finished thank you notes jeer at me. βI raised you kids without your
dad around, and you turned out decent.β
βIβm not worried about Sam being decent. He barely has a sporting
chance, what with being your grandson.β I smirk. βIβm worried about
generally sucking as a mom,β I explain.
βLet me let you in on a little secret: all moms suck much of the
time. The beauty about being a stay-at-home mom is that there is no
one to watch you fail. Itβs not like Sam is going to tell anyone.
Youβll be back at work before he learns to talk anyway.β
βMom, youβre wigging me out a little. And yet, you are very wise.
You sure you donβt want to move in for a few months?β
βOh, youβd love that. We couldnβt spend two days in Lake Geneva
without the battle of the air conditioner. No, Iβll just be around
for support when you need me. At least until I go to San Francisco
next month.β
βI canβt believe youβre still going. You have a grandchild now!β Iβm
worried more about me not having her to help than my mom not seeing
Sam, but it sounds better when the baby is the one being the baby.
βHe wonβt remember. And youβll make it without me. What if I were
dead? Youβd have to do it without me anyway. In fact, pretend Iβm
dead. Itβll be easier.β
βMa! Why do you always have to go to the dark side?β I ask.
βItβs part of my charm, I guess.β
Doogan looks at me, and I swear I detect a shrug. βSheβs your
mother,β he says.
I have managed to take care of Doogan for seventeen years. Iβll take
that as a good sign. Then Doogan bites me, and I shove him off the
couch.
Iβm screwed.
20 Days Old
Zach goes back to work tomorrow. I am terrified, scared shitless,
and entrenched with fear. I have to be alone with this baby all day,
every day, and I donβt know if I can do it.βYouβre going to be fine.
Youβve been doing it already for three weeks,β Zach tries to comfort
me as we watch βSupernaturalβ on the couch. Sam sleeps peacefully on
Zachβs chest. I give him the stinkeye, just in case he can sense Iβm
not happy with him.
βI havenβt been doing it for three weeks by myself. At first I was
in the hospital, and youβve been here the whole time, playing a
supporting role, as has my mom in her morbid kind of way. Plus--
fine? I donβt want to be fine. I want to be the best, most kick-ass
mother on the planet. And beyond. I want to nurse him lovingly
whilst I bake cakes and keep the house so clean you can hear little
chimes of sparkle ringing from the countertops. I want Sam to learn
sign language and ten other languages and to fit all the right
shapes into that ball with the shapes cut out that five different
people bought for him. Fine wasnβt good enough for me before I had
this baby, so it certainly should not be good enough when weβre
talking about the health and happiness of our first born son!β This
would be the start of many a sleep-deprived diatribe on the subject
of mama failure. But Zach will soon be lucky enough to get away from
it all for ten hours a day, five days a week. Son of a bitch.
Middle of the Night
Full-on panic that Zach goes back to work tomorrow. Thank god for
QVC. I donβt know what Iβd do without the hypnotic beauty of twenty-
four hours of gemstones.
21 Days Old
First Day Without Zach Goals
-Feed, clothe, change, etc. Sam
-cut fingernails
-paint toenails
-bake chocolate chip cookies
-take nap
-master Moby Wrap
Zach is gone, and so far so good. Nothing out of the ordinary, and I
did manage to write three more thank you notes. Perhaps I will send
them before Samβs first birthday.
I spent much of the day practicing intricate wrappings of the Moby
Wrap so I can wear Sam around when I go places. Working with at
least twenty feet of fabric to somehow transform it into a safe nest
in which Sam will lay seems semi-impossible, but Iβve made it my
quest for the day. Or maybe the week. Why rush these things.
First Day without Zach Accomplishments
-Blah blah blah Sam
-Managed to knot my Moby Wrap and watched it fall on the floor
-Fell asleep while on toilet (nap?)
-Ate half a roll of refrigerated cookie dough (baked in my stomach?)
When Zach arrives home, the house is the same mess it was before he
left. My face is still the same mess it was before he left. Zach
looks like he just returned from a three week trip to a spa. I pray
for a gigantic, dribbly poo to slither into Samβs diaper so I can
hand it off to Zach, but for once Samβs baby buns have clammed up.
Not that Zach would care. βI missed you so much!β he proclaims to
Sam as he swings him around the room. I should take my act on the
road. How much does an Invisible Woman make?
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