Excerpt of A Child to Call Her Own by Gill Sanderson

MIDWIFE Maria Wyatt was having a nightmare.

It didn't happen so often now, perhaps once a month instead of two or three times a week. More than one doctor had told her that the dreams would pass, that time would heal everything. It hadn't healed her so far. The dreams were more rare, but still as bad.

She woke sobbing, whimpering, her pillow wet with tears and her body damp with sweat. And the images disappeared. A pity really, some of them had brought her so much happiness. A baby in a cot, a child taking his first steps, the same child a year older, smiling at the camera. But then there had been the others.

She looked at the red figures on her bedside clock. It was five in the morning, the room dark. No daylight for three hours yet, it was January. Maria lay there, her breathing slowly getting calmer, her pumping heart slowing.

Today was the beginning of a new era in her career as a midwife. It was a pity to start it with a nightmare.

There was no way she would get back to sleep. She climbed wearily out of bed, pulled on her dressing-gown and walked into the corridor of the nurses' home. Just a chance that there might be somebody to talk to. But there was no one. She'd have to get through this alone. This was usual, she'd done it before.

Since she was in the kitchen, she made herself a mug of tea. Then she went back to her room to sit on the bed and try to think positive thoughts. The good thing was that she knew that in time the horror would pass. But first there was something she had to do.

She slid open the bottom drawer of the built-in unit, felt under the layers of carefully stored summer clothes and took out a thick album. She had to keep it hidden. She didn't want it on view, where people might open it, ask her questions.

For perhaps ten minutes she stared at just one photograph. It was of herself, and she was holding a baby. She looked at the picture of her own, younger face. Then she glanced into her dressing-table mirror. There was a world of difference between her features now and how they had been just six short years ago.

Then, decisively, she snapped the album shut. Life had to go on. She had a new job to think of.

She sat on her bed, opened the heavy midwifery textbook on her bedside table. As she flicked through it she saw pressed flowers. Pressing flowers was something she had done as a child — and had never quite got out of the habit. But these were not wild flowers. They were maroon and lemon roses. Maria had been a bridesmaid to her friend and tutor, Jenny Carson — now Jenny Donovan — and the flowers were from Jenny's bouquet. Maria smiled at the memory. Life wasn't all bad.

She read in bed for an hour and then showered and dressed. She put on her new community midwife uniform, which she rather liked. On the ward in hospital she had worn either scrubs or the usual midwife's blue. This uniform was slightly more formal. More useful for home visits.

Technically, she was still working for the hospital trust but she was on outreach. The hospital had opened a couple of clinics in distant parts of the city, dealing mostly with pregnancy and the welfare of younger children. Maria was to work at the Landmoss clinic.

It had only been four months since Maria had qualified as a midwife so this job should have gone to someone more experienced. But the midwife originally appointed had broken her leg in a fall, she'd be off work for at least six months. So Jenny had suggested Maria. "Good experience and you're a bit older than the other possibilities," she had told Maria. "I know you can do it."

"I'd like the job," Maria had said after a minute's thought. "I fancy working in a clinic for a while. But it's just O and G, isn't it? Just mums and babies. No small kids?"

"No small kids," Jenny had said, looking levelly at her charge, "not unless you want to work with them."

"I don't. Well, not yet anyway. Perhaps in a year or two I'll change my mind…but for now I'm happy as a midwife."

"A year or two?" Jenny had said quietly. "Don't leave it too late, will you?"

Maria had shrugged. "I'm improving," she said. "It doesn't hurt as much. Not quite as much."

"Good. There is another thing, though. The doctor in charge will want to see your CV. He'll learn about your son."

There had been silence between them. Then Maria had muttered, "You'd better tell him, then. And about how I feel."

Jenny had reached over, clasped her friend's hand. Then her voice had altered, become efficient again. "There's another thing I should warn you of. A lot of the time you'll be out on your own. Here in the hospital there's always help at hand. But out on the streets things can get unpleasant — violent even. Can you cope with that?"

"I can cope. You know I'm tough." Jenny had looked at her speculatively. "You are in some ways. But anyway…you'll be working with one of our O and G specialist registrars — a Dr Tom Ramsey. He's a good man. Just don't call him Blondie."

"What?" Maria hadn't quite been able to read Jenny's half- amused expression.

"It's just that he's got blond hair," Jenny had said. "It's quite something. I think the two of you will get on together." So it had been settled.

Maria had one last glance in the mirror, smoothed down her super-short dark hair. Her midwife's bag was ready packed at the foot of the bed. From now on she'd never move without it.

First day at a new job. It wouldn't hurt to arrive early.

It was cold out, just getting light. Christmas was now over, she could look forward to the depths of winter. There was a little notebook on the dashboard of her car, from now on she could claim a mileage allowance. That was something new.

Memories of the nightmare were now fading. She was setting off to start a new life.

The Landmoss Clinic was a new building about six miles from the hospital. It was set in a vast estate of new houses, many of them occupied by first-time buyers — people proud of their new homes and tending to be starting families. But there were also three large tower blocks, many of the flats there occupied by what were tactfully called 'problem' families.

"There'll be a lot of teenage pregnancies," Jenny had told her. "It'll be your job to make sure they get the care they'll need. You'll meet a lot of interesting people."

"All babies are interesting to me. And I love them." It was an easy ride to the clinic as most of the traffic was heading into the city. She turned into the leafy avenue that led to the clinic, glancing sideways at a small shopping centre. And frowned.

A crowd of people was gathered on the pavement, apparently looking down at something — or someone. There was something about their attitude that suggested there had been an accident. Someone was lying on the pavement. Maria was not a registered nurse, but she had some medical training and she might be able to help. And it wasn't in her character just to move on by.

She stopped the car, took her midwife's bag. It held a few medical supplies that might be useful. She approached the group, saw that there was indeed someone lying on the ground. Firmly she said, "Could you let me through, please? I might be able to help." The people parted.

A panicking voice said, "He just walked in front of my car. There was nothing I could do. I knocked him into that lamppost."

Maria looked up, saw a young man and noticed that he had a mobile phone in a holder on his belt. "Phone 999," she said. "Do it now. Ask for an ambulance." Then she looked at the victim.

He was an old man, apparently unconscious, lying on his back on the pavement, blood in his hair. Someone had thrown a coat over him, another man was kneeling and was about to lift up the old man's head. Sharply, Maria said, "Don't lift his head! Let it down where it was, very carefully. We need to check for a broken neck."

Gently, the man lowered the head, and then stood back. He was obviously glad to hand over responsibility.

Maria knelt by the old man, tried to remember her first aid. ABC. Check airways, breathing, circulation. Quickly done. The man might be unconscious but he was still alive. She lifted the coat but could see no signs of excessive bleeding — the head injury was the worst. She opened her bag, almost automatically pulled on a pair of latex gloves. Then she took out a sterile pad. Technically it was used to stop vaginal bleeding — but it would do.

She didn't like the angle of the man's neck. But there was no hard collar in her midwife's bag.

Behind her a voice asked, "Are you a doctor?" It wasn't an anxious voice but firm and assured, a voice that gave confidence.

Without looking round, she answered, "No, I'm a midwife. Just doing what I can."

"Well, I'm a doctor. Would you like me to take over?"

Taking her agreement as read, a man knelt by her side. Jenny glanced at him — and gasped.

She remembered that Jenny had told her that the O and G doctor at the clinic would be a Dr Tom Ramsey — and that she was not to call him Blondie. Well, this had to be the man. But his hair wasn't blond, it was spun gold. He wore it fairly long and it was wavy. Even at that cold hour of the morning, even as they looked at an emergency together, she wanted to run her hands through it to feel if it was as soft as it looked.

Then he turned to look at her and she gasped again. If anything, his face was more striking than his… Then she collected herself. He wasn't smiling. This wasn't a social meeting, he had a job to do — as did she. "I've sent for an ambulance, I've checked ABC," she said. "Now may I help you in any way?"

He was feeling the back of the unconscious man's neck, his fingers delicate as they traced down the line of vertebrae. "Look in my bag," he said. "There's a hard collar there. We'll get that on him and then just wait for the ambulance."

He had placed his bag by his side and it took her only a minute to find the collar. Then she slid it round the old man's neck as the doctor carefully raised his head.

"At a guess, you'll be Midwife Maria Wyatt," he said when they had finished. "I'm Tom Ramsey and I've been looking forward to meeting you."

"Yes, I'm Maria Wyatt." 'Well, there's nothing much more we can do here until the ambulance arrives. But just to be certain, I'm going to stay with the man. You can do me a favour, though."

"Anything I can."

He nodded in the direction of a parked blue car. "My four- year-old son James is in that car. He's upset, he's just seen a bit too much. Could you take him to the clinic for me? I'll come and pick him up later, he's in the crèche there."

Maria flinched. "I'm a midwife, not an expert on small boys," she said. "Can't I help here? I'd rather do that."