Excerpt of Diary of a Domestic Goddess by Elizabeth Harbison

Edith's Diary Home Life Magazine October 2005 issue

As the days grow shorter and the air carries the crisp bite of autumn, my thoughts turn to cool red apples, amber sunlight and ghosts and goblins with flashlights wandering the narrow country lane of our home in the Virginia hills. Steve has picked a pumpkin from the sunny patch on the hill and is in the kitchen right now sketching out an elaborate jack-o'-lantern using the stencil pattern on page twenty-two. Little Johnny is standing by, watching with fascination. Soon he'll come in to help me make his pirate costume. That's right, we're making it. No more hot plastic masks that smell like glue, no nylon costumes that fall apart halfway through your little one's candy pilgrimage. Everything you need to make a wonderful and memorable Halloween costume is probably already in your house.

"Mommy!"

"Just a minute."

For the pirate costume, gather a red bandanna, black sweatpants, long white sweat socks, aluminum foil, a woman's long-sleeved blouse, some gold craft paint and a plastic shower curtain ring for the pirate's earring —

"Mommy!"

Kit Macy stopped typing and pushed her laptop back on the ancient Formica kitchen table with exaggerated patience. Then she turned to the four-year-old who was still tugging on her sleeve. "Are you on fire?"

"No —"

"Are you bleeding?"

"No, but —"

She lowered her chin. "Are you supposed to interrupt me when I'm working?"

Johnny pressed his lips together and glanced at the kitchen doorway behind him before saying, "No."

Big, guilty kid eyes. They got to her every time. Kit smiled and ruffled his hair. "Look, I know you're hot and bored. Just let me finish and we can go to the pool, okay? Maybe Mr. Finnegan can fix the air conditioner while we're gone." It was July, and the mugginess of the New Jersey summer had already hit them full force. The fan Kit had propped in the corner of the small apartment kitchen sputtered ominously, and she glanced at it. "Before that thing dies, too, and we melt." One more month and she would be closing on her own house. A house with central air-conditioning and a community pool.

Sometimes it was the only thought that kept her going.

Johnny gave a distracted nod. "Okay, but Mommy?"

She sighed. "Yes?"

"Um, Mommy? "Johnny, what?"

"Steve has something stuck on his nose."

It took a moment for her to rewind and replay the mental tape. "What is it?"

He squirmed visibly around the question. "He wouldn't come with me to show you."

Two nights ago Johnny had smeared peanut butter on Steve's nose because it was "so funny to watch him try and lick it off." A quick calculation told Kit that if Steve wasn't in the kitchen — and he wasn't — it was likely that he was in the TV room with her new sofa. Her new twelve-hundred- dollar Open Space sofa with the custom vine-patterned upholstery. That and peanut butter would make for an ugly combination. Actually anything and peanut butter made for an ugly combination.

She jumped up. "Where is he?"

"In my room," Johnny admitted, his voice small behind her as she dashed out of the kitchen.

She rounded the corner to the small, dark hallway and heard repeated sneezes behind Johnny's closed bedroom door. "You're not supposed to lock him in there, baby, you know that."

"I know," Johnny answered, drawing each syllable out guiltily.

Kit pushed the door open and saw Steve, the black Labrador mutt, lying on the floor, sneezing and growling and trying to wrestle something off his nose. "Damn." She dropped to the floor and tried to calm the squirming dog down enough to remove the shower curtain ring she'd gotten out of the bathroom to make an earring for the stupid pirate costume. "Damn, damn, damn."

"You said a bad thing!"

"You're right." She pried the ring open and pulled it off the dog's nose, trying to resist saying another stream of "bad things."

"You know you're not supposed to put people things on Steve. I've told you that like a hundred times already."

"That's not a people thing," Johnny said, his voice stern with four-year-old condescension. "It's a bathroom thing."

"Today it's a people thing." Arguing with him was like arguing with a slick Jersey lawyer. He always came up with some loophole she hadn't previously covered. Last week, in the late-night emergency pediatric clinic, it was that she'd never actually said not to put the wheels from his Matchbox cars into his ears. Now she looked at him pointedly. "But, for the record, keep bathroom things away from Steve, too." She examined the plastic ring. If it had managed to squeeze that tightly on Steve's nose, it probably wouldn't be all that good for a toddler's ear. Frankly it had struck her as a stupid idea when the woman from the local playgroup had mentioned it in the first place. Now she'd have to come up with an alternative before her deadline.

"What's it for anyway?" Johnny asked, taking the ring from her and immediately getting it stuck on his fingertip. He barely had time to whip up a good whine before Kit reached over and pulled it off with a snap.

"It's supposed to be for your costume."

He looked skeptical. No, afraid. "I don't like it."

"Neither does Steve." Upon hearing his name, the dog pushed his wet nose against her hand and she patted his head.

"I don't like pirates."

"You don't have to."

"I don't like boats," Johnny went on, clearly covering all pirate bases so that she wouldn't try to convince him to be, say, a superhero pirate. "And I don't like earrings. I don't like them at all."

Sometimes it felt as if he was plucking at her nerves as though they were strings on an out-of-tune ukulele. "Look, buddy, you don't need to like pirates. You don't need to wear the costume on Halloween. All you need to do is be a kid long enough for me to make sure these homemade costumes work so I can print them in my column."

Though he was only four, Johnny had long since understood that all the quirky domestic things his mother worked on were part of her job as "Edith Chamberlain," Home Life magazine's monthly "Edith's Diary" columnist. She'd been the managing editor of the magazine for five years now, but she'd taken over writing the column two and a half years ago when the real Edith Chamberlain — who had established the column forty years ago — had passed away.

"I don't want to be a princess, either," Johnny said in a small, husky voice. He'd been saying it ever since she'd taken him to the craft store to get the glitter for the princess costume she was also detailing in her article.

Kit gave the dog one last pat, then stood up. "Yeah, well, you're just trying the costume on for me, then we'll take it off really fast, okay?"

His voice went glum. "Okay."

She looked at her watch. "In fact, we should do it now because your dad's gonna come pick you up when he gets off work in an hour."

"You said we could go to the pool!"

"We will. We'll try the costume on really quick, then we'll go to the pool and watch for him from there. Deal?"

"Okay." He was already busy peeling off his sweaty Batman T-shirt and the pull-up diapers her mother kept telling her he was too old for. "Just put him in regular underpants," Kit's mother would say. "If he messes them up, he'll get uncomfortable in a hurry."