I was eight the first time I saw the girl.
Mom freaked when I told her, said I was letting a girl
terrorize my dreams, but I didnβt get it. They were dreams,
not nightmares. I donβt remember ever waking up afraid. Not
back then. So when the dreams kept coming, year after year,
each one more vivid than the last, I held onto them like a
skydiver clutching his ripcord. No way would I let Mom take
them away from me.
Itβs been years since sheβs asked me about the girl, but
lately Momβs been curious. I tell her I havenβt had a dream
in awhile. She eyes me like Iβm lying.
So what if I am? I may not remember everything about my
dreams when I wake up, but I do know when Iβm about to have
one. My scalp tingles, like tiny bugs zap, zap, zapping
along my skin. The darkness behind my lids turns smoky. Iβve
tried to pull away at that point but itβs no use. I donβt
fight it now. Instead I sink into the thick air and come out
the other side into a world that is nothing like the one I
know...
Yet, itβs familiar.
Tonight, the smoke fades, and the girl appears in a thin,
white gown. Iβm lying in a meadow surrounded by deep woods,
one hand tucked behind my headβshirtless and shoeless and
wearing a pair of old, ratty jeans. I can hear the TV I left
on fading in the distance until the sound of the meadow
fills the air.
Sheβs suddenly beside me, beautiful beyond words, her
long, dark hair spilling over her shoulder as she bends to
touch my hand. Her cool fingers rest more like mist than
flesh in my palm. The rough corset sheβs wearing cinches the
fabric snug to her hips. Sheβs got a definite Victorian vibe
going, but it suits her. Iβd be lying if I said I didnβt
like it.
Her violet eyes darken, revealing the silent plea that
carries a hint of desperation, and she tugs, urging me to
get to my feet. She wants me to run, to escape. In the last
two weeks, weβve tried, running so long and so hard that
weβre sure weβll never find our way home again. Weβll be
lost together forever. Itβs what she wants. Itβs what I
need. But it always fails. We eventually wind up back at the
meadow.
Tonight, Iβm content to pull her down beside me, lie in
the soft grass, and stare at the sky. Our fingers
intertwine, our shoulders touch. Weβve both gotten older
since the first time we met. There have been years when we
rarely saw each other, but lately, our time together has
intensified. Thereβs a feeling of impending doom that wasnβt
there when we were younger, as if this perfect place of
dreams is about to shatter, and weβll never see each other
again.
Thereβs so much I want to know. Why do I only dream about
her when I need her most? Am I insane? I donβt ask. Iβm
afraid to. I want her to be real, just a few months more,
maybe a year. Then Iβll grow up and cut this strange,
imaginary cord. I canβt lose her smile, not yet, or her lips
against my cheekβone of her butterfly kisses thatβs gone
before itβs begun.
Her silence has never bothered me before. Tonight, all I
want is one word.
My name.