I'm twenty-one years old. For the past three years
I've been a member of the New York City Ballet, a
company revered by audiences, critics and dancers.
Tonight I'm in a brand-new ballet, Les Petits Riens,
dancing a leading role, choreographed especially for me
by the company's ballet-master-in-chief, Peter Martins.
The ballet's premiere performance will be given at the
New York State Theater at Lincoln Center before an audience
of 2,700 people.
For days I've been feeling that special, nervous
anticipation that always precedes a premiere. This role is a
tremendous step up in my career, an incredible honor.
Even though I'm excited, the truth is, I'm
completely exhausted. Burned out. I'm trying not to
complain because I figure that the other hundred dancers in
the company are equally tired. We're at the end of a
grueling four-month season. We've danced eight shows a
week, and between performances we're taking class and
rehearsing constantly.
I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me. Lately,
I'm always thirsty I'm dizzy a lot, and I need to
pee all the time. I've convinced myself it's because
of my exhaustion, but that doesn't explain all these
symptoms or account for the awful, oozing sores under my
arms. They're getting worse, and the worse they get, the
more they freak me out. When I raise my arms, the ripping
and burning is almost intolerable, and dancers have to raise
their arms a lot. I'm used to having minor irritations
under my arms because, as a member of the corps de ballet, I
wear a different costume every night and none of them was
originally made to fit me. My shoulders are sloped, which
means that the bodice is often too long and the stiff
material rubs against my armpits as I dance. But the
irritations have never developed into sores like the ones I
have now.
Two weeks ago, during a break in rehearsals, I ran to the
Urgent Care Center on West Seventy-second Street to see what
I could do to get rid of the sores. The doctor there gave me
a massive shot of antibiotics and sent me on my way. One
week later, I had ten times the number of sores. After that,
Peter Martins's secretary gave me the phone number of a
dermatologist, who put me on a different antibiotic. Neither
of the doctors had given me any explanation as to why
they'd been getting worse instead of better.
A week later, I phoned the dermatologist to let him know the
new antibiotic wasn't working. "Isn't there
anything you can do to help me?" I begged. "Next
week I'm dancing the most important performance of my
life. I have to be able to lift my arms."
"I'm just a dermatologist," he said. "If you
want more answers, you've got to get some blood work
done." I didn't have time for all these doctors, and
I didn't understand what was so difficult about getting
those sores to heal. It never occurred to me that this was
anything more than a minor—albeit unsightly and
painful—problem. But if I was going to dance, I needed
to lift my arms. I had to do something. So, with
the greatest reluctance, I took his advice, went to an
internist and had blood work done.
Now another week has gone by and I've put the blood test
out of my mind. I've calmed down about the sores.
They're still there, but I'm not feeling the pain.
I'm actually more concerned with how they look than how
they feel, so I've been covering them with thick layers
of pancake makeup. The sores make me feel like a fraud.
Ballerinas are supposed to be delicate, ethereal creatures,
and in some ways I still look the part: I have large dark
eyes, a small head on a long neck, a slender, elongated body
and expressive feet. But these days I feel more like a toad
than a princess.
Sitting at my dressing table an hour before my premier
performance in Les Riens, I look at my hands. It
doesn't surprise me that they're shaking. Luckily,
the dancer at the dressing table next to mine is my younger
sister Romy, who joined the company this year. Even though
we look a lot alike, she is now taller than I am. We're
best friends, and in a tense situation like this she always
knows exactly how I feel. I know how she feels, too;
she's even more nervous for me than I am for myself.
We decide that I should wear a pair of her rhinestone
earrings onstage for good luck. That way she'll be with
me—in a sense— when I'm dancing. This makes
both of us feel better. It's time to put on my costume.
It's gorgeous. Yellow silk trimmed in lace and pearls,
with a tight, corset-like bodice, sleeves that come to just
above the elbows, and a short, starched peplum skirt. Except
for the fact that the skirt ends at the top of my thigh,
it's made to look like what a lady would have worn in
the time of Mozart. The only problem is that it's way
too tight. My appetite is driving me crazy. I'm hungry
all the time and I can't stop eating. It's got to be
nerves. I hope that's all it is.
But now, with the premiere less than an hour away, I have to
find a pair of pointe shoes—a perfect pair. The shoes
I need tonight have to be soft enough to conform to my feet,
but not too soft. I must have a pair like that somewhere,
but where? I rifle through the ever-present tangle of items
on my dressing room floor: worn-out tights, practice
clothes, a mass of pointe shoes, some stiff and new, others
danced ragged. Without the right pointe shoes, I won't
be able to do the first turn of my solo; it's incredibly
difficult and if it isn't perfect, my entire performance
will be sunk.
The right shoes can make the difference between a good and
bad performance. I put on pair after pair and try them out
by rising up on the tips of my toes. At last, a pair I can
use. Finally.
I lace up the shoes, crossing their pink-satin ribbons in
front of my ankle. I wrap the ribbons one time around, then
tie them in a tight knot toward the inside of my ankle. I
look in the mirror: hair looks fine, makeup looks good.
I squeeze my false eyelashes between my thumb and index
finger to make sure they'll stay glued when the sweat
starts pouring.
With less than a half hour to go before the performance,
I'm worn out by my own emotions: I'm jittery and
excited at one moment, frozen in panic the next. I have to
dance better than I've ever danced. Les Petits Riens
is a great chance for me, but it could be my last
chance if I don't keep up with the other dancers.
As a dancer, I've always been passionate and expressive.
My challenge is technical strength. I'm more colt than
thoroughbred, and my current physical condition is making my
footwork shaky. It may be perfectly precise one moment, and
then suddenly, for no apparent reason, I fall off my
pointes. Dancers need to be in control of every part of
their body, from their fingers to the tips of their toes.
That connection is essential, and lately, I don't have
it. No wonder I've lost the confidence I've
struggled so hard to attain.
Confidence can make the difference between just dancing and
dancing well. It's what allows a ballerina to weather
the vulnerabilities of being barely clothed onstage, of
risking falling down or looking ridiculous with every leap
or turn. Confidence propels a performance. It allows you to
manage the dichotomies that come with ballet: trying to make
impossibly difficult moves look easy; having to be the
embodiment of femininity as you execute steps that require
an athlete's strength and stamina.
The combined loss of confidence and physical ability
explains why I've been getting fewer good parts lately.
It hurts to be excluded from ballets I love, especially
those choreographed by Jerome Robbins, who has singled me
out in the past and given me the honor of dancing leading
roles in his works.
Outside the ballet world, Robbins is best known as the
director and choreographer of hit Broadway musicals like
West Side Story and Fiddler on the Roof.
But he would tell you that his most substantive and
significant career has been with New York City Ballet. Jerry
is NYCB's resident genius, the only person gifted enough
to assume the mantle of George Balanchine, who was the
co-founder of NYCB and generally recognized as the greatest
choreographer of the twentieth century.
When Balanchine was alive, every dancer in the company had
the same dream: that Mr. B, as he was known, would choose
him or her to dance one of his new works. In the three years
since his death, we've all come to dream of being chosen
by Jerry. In my view, working with Jerry, being nurtured by
his genius, would lead me on the path to realizing my dream
of becoming a great dancer. This is the dream I've
nurtured since I was fifteen, when I moved to New York to
study at the School of American Ballet, the school that
Balanchine established as a training ground for his company.
It was there that I discovered the world of Balanchine, and
came to dream that my dancing might make me a small part of
his legacy. If I dreamed bigger, it would be to someday
become a soloist, one of the rare and special dancers who
are featured in leading roles, an experience that allows the
ultimate freedom of expression.
It's been exactly one year since Jerry chose me to dance
the role he created for the great Gelsey Kirkland in The
Goldberg Variations, his masterpiece. At NYCB, it is
customary to give big chances to young dancers. Balanchine
loved to single out future stars from the corps de ballet
and thrust them into the limelight. Peter Martins followed
suit, and it was he who picked me, during my second year
with the company, to be the Sugar Plum Fairy in The
Nutcracker. Jerry had his eye on me, as well, and a few
weeks after I danced Sugar Plum he cast me in Kirkland's
role.
I put my entire being into it, and I did well.
For a time.
Minutes before the curtain goes up, the phone in the hallway
rings. It's the only phone for the thirty-five female
corps dancers who share a huge dressing room on the fourth
floor. I don't have time to answer it, but I hear
another dancer calling, "It's for you, Zippora."
Who could be calling me? Reluctantly, I head down the hall.
It's the switchboard operator.
"Your doctor called again today," he says. "She
said it was urgent."
Damn. She's called every day this week, sometimes twice
a day. I'm rehearsing all the time and keep forgetting
to call her back. What could possibly be so urgent?
It's now five minutes before the performance. The eight
dancers in Riens are onstage. Even as the audience
enters the theater we're behind the heavy curtain, still
practicing, still trying to perfect intricacies of
partnering and footwork. My reviews last year for The
Nutcracker were nothing less than spectacular. In the
New York Times, Jennifer Dunning wrote that my
Sugar Plum was "a smooth blend of regal ballerina
manners and the coltish classical purity of a student."
In the New York Post, Clive Barnes hailed me as a
"potential star." Now I'm on the stage with
seven other potential stars. As in every company there are
more dancers than leading roles, so we're all competing
for a slice of a very small pie.
"What's the matter?" one of the dancers asks me.
"I can hardly breathe," I say. "My costume's
too tight."
Another dancer overhears me. "Oh, really?" she says,
"Mine's too loose."
You bitch, I think, but say nothing.
Moments before the performance begins, I give my partner,
Peter Boal, a quick hug. "Merde," all eight
of us call out to one another, our voices overlapping.
Merde means "shit" in French. Before a
show, it's our way of saying "break a leg" or
"good luck."
It's bad luck to say "thank you." Dancers are
nothing if not superstitious. If someone tells you
"Merde," you just smile and say
"Merde"back.
The stage manager calls out, "Dancers, stand by."
The house lights dim. The excited murmuring of the audience
gives way to silence. For the next few moments there will be
darkness both in the house, where the audience sits waiting,
and on the stage, where the dancers are poised to begin. I
take my pose. Slowly, inexorably, the heavy curtain rises.
Suddenly, the stage is bathed in light. I feel a chill as
cold air from the house washes over me. I look at the
conductor. He raises his baton. When the baton sweeps
downward the orchestra explodes in sound as the Mozart score
begins.
We start to move. I think about how much I love dancing with
my peers. Once a performance starts, all feelings of
competition are set aside. I love the secret looks we give
one another; I love the way we urge one another on with our
eyes. The opening section finishes. I'm breathing
heavily as I bow to the audience. Six dancers leave the
stage. Only Peter and I remain to dance a pas de deux,
followed by our solos.
The stage is eerily silent as I walk across it, soundless in
my pointe shoes. I take my pose opposite Peter. The audience
is hushed, expectant. The music begins softly. It is sweet,
loving, innocent. I love this music, I love these steps, I
love the way Peter and I play together onstage. Too soon, it
ends. We bow; the audience applauds.
I run offstage utterly exhausted. Mercifully, Peter's
solo is first.
While he's onstage, I'm supposed to be resting, but
that's out of the question. My solo comes next and
I'm totally intimidated by the very first step, that
incredibly difficult turn—harder than any turn
I've ever had to do—that turn for which I needed
the perfect pair of shoes. When Peter Martins choreographed
that turn, he and I were both shocked at how perfectly I did
it the very first time out. But it was a fluke, and every
day since then I've had to re-create that fluke in
rehearsals. Tonight I have to nail it. I take a practice
turn and fall off my toe. Now I'm terrified.