Excerpt of Don't Be That Girl by Travis L. Stork.,M.D.

Agenda Girl

You probably know at least one Agenda Girl. I certainly have met enough to consider myself something of an expert on the kind of woman who asks me how many children I'd like and if I could ever see myself settling down (and when) during our second date -- or sooner. I once had a woman ask me during the first thirty minutes of our first date if I was ready for marriage and children because she felt like her clock was ticking and she didn't want to waste her time with men who weren't "serious" about dating. Take it from a guy, that is not how you want to start off your first date.

The Agenda Girl is the one who's been planning her wedding since she was old enough to count to ten bridesmaids. Her hobbies include reading Modern Bride and designing her dream engagement ring on adiamondisforever.com. (Don't ask me how I know this!) She secretly seethes with envy every time another friend gets engaged, but is first in line for the bouquet toss at the wedding. She's known exactly how many children she wants as well as at what age she wants to have them since she was fifteen -- unfortunately, she hasn't revised those ideas since. She has a list of requirements for her potential husband that is at least a mile long, although, in case of emergency (e.g. she's twenty-nine and still not married), she will gladly settle for someone who allows her to check her top five boxes:

1 - decent looks
2 - advanced degree in a prestigious profession
3 - steady job in a lucrative field (what's the use of a law degree if you're just going to waste it at a nonprofit?)
4 - good family
5 - ready to settle down

There you have it, everything an Agenda Girl needs for a real, honest-to-goodness fairy-tale romance. And guess what? I can tell all this about her within an hour of our first date. How? Because that is usually how long it takes her to decide whether or not she wants to start grooming me for the role of Mr. Agenda Girl.

Of course, not every Agenda Girl is quite that obvious. Plenty of women enter into relationships with open minds only to find themselves getting hung up on the idea of marriage before the time is ripe -- meaning, before their boyfriend is ready. In these cases, the relationship often self-destructs when the agenda comes to light in the form of premature demands and a relationship-ending ultimatum.

Could You Be an Agenda Girl?

Even if you're nowhere near as extreme as the girl I just described, Agenda Girls come in all shapes and sizes. Answer these true/false questions to find out if the bridal shoe fits...and be honest!

1. T / F I am almost always the one who introduces the subject of marriage and children.
2. T / F I often find myself thinking about what we'll do on future dates during our first few outings.
3. T / F I have actually practiced signing my name using my boyfriend's last name.
4. T / F I feel sorry for the losers, er, I mean women, who are over thirty and still not married.
5. T / F My biological clock sounds more like a ticking time bomb. If I don't have children within the next few years, I'll explode.
6. T / F My first dates are usually a lot like job interviews.
7. T / F If I don't get married by a certain age, I'll feel like an old maid.
8. T / F It is important for me to figure out fairly quickly whether or not I would marry a guy.
9. T / F If my boyfriend didn't propose to me within eighteen months, I would leave and find someone who would.
10. T / F The Rules is my dating bible.

Scoring:
0-2 True: While you want to get married eventually, you are not turning guys off with an obvious marriage agenda.
3-5 True: So maybe you don't have your imaginary babies' names all picked out, but what you do have is a minor case of Agenda Girlitis. Take my word, even a minor case can be a major relationship killer, so read on.
6+ True: You are a full-blown Agenda Girl. Please keep reading to learn how you can stop driving men away.

Two Reasons Why Guys Don't Like Agenda Girls

A premature wedding agenda is such a turnoff that even the worst offenders know better than to reveal their true intentions. Unfortunately, trying to hide the truth from a date is nearly impossible if you don't believe your own story. So next time you're sitting there, spinning some yarn about how you're in no rush to get married -- all the while mentally calculating how long it will take to get this guy to fall for you so you can spring the truth on him -- understand this: Any guy with eyes can see right through your hidden agenda.

I know what you're thinking. And? So what? What is so wrong with wanting to get married?

Absolutely nothing. Again, the problem with Agenda Girl isn't that she wants to get married, it's that she wants to get married to anyone who fits her requirements and will pop the question by the date circled in her meticulously organized day planner. Which leads me to the first reason men don't like the Agenda Girl:

Reason #1: We want to feel special too.

Believe it or not, men have feelings. We want to feel special and appreciated for our unique qualities. We want to feel like we have forged an uncommon connection with the person we're dating. Like we've found something precious and rare -- someone who gets us and loves us for who we are. Unfortunately, it's painfully clear that Agenda Girl doesn't much care how we feel, what we want, or who we are. All she cares about is how we'll fit in with her plan, her dreams, and her life.

Here's how the typical guy will respond to an obvious Agenda Girl. First, he'll feel flattered that you're so obviously into him that you want to marry him. Wow, he'll think, I must be a real catch.

One minute later, that feeling will pass and he'll start thinking: What's wrong with this woman? Why is she so in love with me when she doesn't even know me? What does she want from me? Ah! She's not in love with me at all. It has nothing to do with me. She just wants to get married. Oh boy...not again!

"Check please!"

Despite what some Agenda Girls may think, this typical reaction does not mean that the guy is immature or unable to commit. He just doesn't want to commit to you.

Put yourself into our shoes for a minute. After all, women don't have a monopoly on agendas. Guys can be just as guilty. Except in the guy's case, the agenda may be sex, not marriage.

Take a moment to think back to a time when a date's behavior made it quite obvious that all he really cared about was getting some action. Any number of things may have tipped you off. It could have been the way his eyes glazed over when he stared deep into your cleavage. Maybe it was his won't-take-no-for-an-answer insistence that you order that third frozen margarita. Or perhaps you had reason to pause after the fifth time he told you how you're the smartest, sexiest, most charming and beautiful woman he'd ever met. We all love compliments, but if you were able to see this behavior for what it really was -- a full- court press to get you into bed -- chances are the resulting ego boost didn't last very long.

When a guy makes his intentions so obvious, it's only natural that you stop to think, Hmm, I wonder if he says this to all the girls?

Guess what? Guys feel the same way when a woman is working an agenda of her own. No matter what the agenda, the man who is just trying to enjoy your company, go with the flow, and get to know you better is going to catch on. And when that happens, don't be surprised if your text messages start going unanswered.

Reason #2: We want surprises.

Surprise and mystery are at the core of romance. Guys want and need to spend some time wondering, Does she like me too? No, women aren't the only ones who sometimes turn to the Magic 8 Ball. We want to feel emotionally invested, and since every investment involves some risk of losing, we cannot feel invested when you are a sure thing and we are 100 percent certain of your intentions. It just doesn't work that way.

The problem with the Agenda Girl is that she cannot tolerate the level of uncertainty that's necessary for a real relationship to blossom. Afraid of the risks that come with true romance, she prefers to look at a relationship like a job. Except in this case, she's reaching for the diamond ring, not the brass one.

To attain her goal, Agenda Girl sets up signposts to guide her along the road to the altar. Any guy who is dating one of these girls suddenly feels like he's been hired for a new job. And he knows exactly what is expected of him:

1. Friday or Saturday night dates for the first few months. 2. Pressure to stop seeing other people. 3. Drawer space. 4. Those "three little words" before the fourth month. Often followed by the horrifying..."Don't you feel the same way?" response to our silence. 5. Meeting each other's parents as soon as possible. 6. A ring within eighteen months or less. Or an ultimatum. 7. Either marry her and be miserable, or break if off and make her miserable.

Not only does the typical Agenda Girl relationship usually lead to either a breakup or an unhappily ever after, but, as you can see, the journey to the altar isn't much fun for the guy involved. Like I said, zero surprises. We know exactly what Agenda Girl will do every step of the way. If she gets what she wants, she'll be flush with success and giddily lavish us with affection. If she doesn't, we'll never hear the end of it. She'll nag, she'll turn on the waterworks, she'll threaten to leave....She'll make our lives a living hell. Call me crazy, call me immature, call me commitment phobic, just don't call me Ms. Agenda's boyfriend. No thanks!

The Dead Giveaways

Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are two ways in which Agenda Girls tip us off every time. I am not revealing this information so you can better hide your agenda. Hopefully, by the time you're through with this chapter, and the book, you'll see why you're much better off approaching every relationship with an open mind (e.g. Who knows what will happen? We could end up as a couple, as friends, or even as in-laws!) instead of with a specific goal in mind (e.g. I will make him fall in love with me and marry me). In the meantime, keep in mind that if you are unilaterally hatching a marriage plot, you will almost certainly be compelled to act in one of the following off- putting ways.

Dead Giveaway #1: The Third Degree

"We were set up by mutual friends. I already knew he was great on paper based on what they'd told me -- twenty-nine years old. Went to Exeter for high school. Princeton undergrad. MBA from Wharton. Investment banker. I was so excited, I spent all day getting ready. Hair. Nails. Mystic tan. A new dress. I have to say, I was looking hot! At dinner, the more questions I asked, the better he looked: Apartment in the city. House in the country. Audi TT Roadster (a personal favorite!). On good terms with his mother and father (who, by the way, are both very prominent Boston lawyers). Two past long-term relationships. Tired of the bar scene. All that and a face that wouldn't ruin the family photos. I was ready to marry him right then and there! He walked me home and we hugged and did that whole peck on the cheek thing. Then I never heard from him again. We would have made the perfect couple! What is wrong with guys today?!" -- Karen, 26, New York, NY "What's wrong with guys?" Good question. The only thing is I have a hunch that if Karen really wanted to know the answer, she would have spent at least some part of her date getting to know her future husband instead of ratcheting up his list of accomplishments and imagining what their kids would look like while watching his lips move. Something tells me that even with all her questions, by the end of her date, Karen still had absolutely no insight into this so-called perfect man's personality. All she really cared about was that he looked good "on paper" (an expression that, by the way, is universally despised by the guys I know).

Take it from me, I've been in this position more than enough times to know what Karen's date was thinking: Why does this girl remind me so much of those nosey people on my co-op board? Wait a second, I know what she's getting at. She's checking to see if I'm marriage material. She's got her sights on me and I don't even know her yet. Chances are she'll just wind up falling for me and I'm going to end up hurting her. Let's stop this ride right here.

And that's just what the decent guy would do. We'll get into what another type of guy would do later in the chapter.

All I'm saying is, whoa...slow down. Just because a guy has the right car, hairstyle, or college degree -- or even the trifecta -- doesn't mean he is meant for you. He's no dummy; he can tell by your line of questioning and that lovestruck look in your eyes that you're looking to take the relationship to the next level. And if you're an Agenda Girl, you're probably getting excited and trying to move things along way too soon. Then the pressure is on, adrenaline kicks in, and a guy is left with only two choices: fight or flight. Now, if you've heard it once, you must have heard it a million times: Men hate confrontation. So we flee.

Dead Giveaway #2: Laying Down the Law

"I am serious about getting married. And I want my dates to know that right off the bat. So I tell them up front, 'I am not into sport dating. I am looking for a serious relationship.' I am also very honest about what I will and will not tolerate. For instance, I tell them that if they say they'll call the next day, that means the next day. Not the next evening. Not the next night. And certainly not the day after the next. I can't stand flakes!" -- Mary, 29, Seattle, WA You could be the most beautiful woman in the entire city, but if you approach the men you meet with Mary's brutally honest, no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners attitude you will only succeed in scaring off the good ones. I know it's only too tempting to rationalize that sort of behavior by telling yourself you're sick of playing games and you want to be straightforward. But please, just for one moment, imagine how you would feel if a guy you'd only known for a week or so told you that he was a one-woman man and he expected a one-man woman, so if you're dating around, well, this just isn't going to work for him. If you're not a little afraid, then I am afraid for you. No grown adult should be told how to act or what to do -- much less by a near-perfect stranger. I don't care how sexy that stranger may be. If a woman doesn't understand that a relationship needs to progress to the next level naturally, she will scare away almost any worthwhile guy she meets. We do want commitment and we do want loyalty, but we're not ready for that discussion after only one week.

During the course of any relationship, be it a romance, a friendship, or a professional partnership, we have to earn the privilege of being able to make demands. But Agenda Girl doesn't want to waste a whole lot of time paying all the pesky dues that go hand in hand with an entry-level romance. Blinded by the glare of her future engagement ring, Agenda Girl cannot see past what she wants, and she will say whatever is on her mind. If the guy doesn't like it, she'll go look for someone else who will.

Most guys I know are only too happy to let her go ahead and do that.

A Date Is Not an Interview

I don't think you can have a more painful experience than a date that feels like a job interview. Or a marriage interview. Or any type of interview, for that matter. The problem is that when you have an agenda, a date often does resemble an interview. How do I know this? Let's just say I've been guilty of my own agendas.

In college, I went on a date with a girl many considered to be the most beautiful on campus. I went out with her with one goal to accomplish: get the girl. Unfortunately, since I was so focused on an agenda rather than trying to get to know her as an individual, the date was doomed. At dinner, I was extremely nervous and all I could think was: This is going horribly. The conversation was perfunctory and I brought absolutely no charm to the table. Zilch. I was boring, nervous, and I don't think I gave a hearty laugh or offered a genuine smile during our entire dinner conversation. Instead I kept falling back on questions that led to one-word answers and my true personality disappeared. Guess how that date ended? A "thanks for dinner," a polite peck on the cheek, and the occasional awkward "hello" on campus until I finally graduated.

After that date, I vowed never to allow an agenda or the interview mentality to encroach upon my dating life ever again. I now approach each and every date I go on with a completely different attitude. This is about pleasure, not business. I'm excited to have fun, to laugh, and to get to know my date, not interview her or be interviewed.

We've all been on the brutal interview date. It usually goes something like:

Guy: So what do you do? Girl: I'm an accountant. Guy: Cool. Girl: What do you do? Guy: I'm a photographer. Girl: Cool. Guy: Where do you live? Girl and Guy: Zzz...zzz...zzz Whether you're the interviewer or the interviewee, you can turn things around if you realize this is how your date is going. Rescue yourself (or your date) by taking the following measures:

1. Ask open-ended questions: Asking these types of questions leads to interesting conversation instead of one word answers. For example:

What was your college experience like? instead of Where did you go to college? What do you enjoy most about your job? instead of What is your job? 2. Ask follow-up questions: Follow up any objective question with one that will allow you to legitimately get to know your date. For instance, after you ask him if he has any siblings and he says, "Yes, a sister," instead of simply nodding your head and saying "Ah, that's nice," try coming back with a probing question or two, such as: What is your sister like? Do you get along well? Or better yet, explore his aspirations by asking him, if he could do anything, what would it be?

If, despite a sweet resume, he has no legitimate aspirations or his answers reveal he's a psycho, maybe you should be the one asking for the check. (At least later when your friends ask how your date went you'll have a more interesting answer than "eh, fine.") Regardless, always listen to what he says rather than staring longingly into your future husband's eyes. Don't get ahead of yourself -- you're just getting to know him. And don't forget to have fun!

Behind the Agenda

Anyone who is dead set on getting married before she's even met the right guy probably has a reason for it. Too bad most of the time that reason sounds something like this:

1. Because I'm thirty-three and it's high time. Everyone has their own path to follow. Just because you're a certain age doesn't mean you should be married.

2. To prove I'm not a reject. Many women view having a boyfriend as proof of their desirability. After all, if one guy wants you, you can't be all bad, right? Wrong.

3. Marriage will solve all my problems. Blaming your issues on being single and thinking that marriage is some kind of a cure-all will only ensure that you find a whole new set of complaints after the honeymoon.

4. I don't want to die alone. If you're afraid of winding up alone, it may be wiser to start out by forging some solid friendships before forcing a relationship. A marriage certificate is not insurance against winding up alone.

5. All my friends are married. Being the last single on the block may not always be the most fun position to occupy, but if you think keeping up with your friends' marital status is reason enough to get married, think again.

6. He's a great catch! Just because a guy is all-around wonderful doesn't mean that he's the perfect guy for you. Even if everyone else thinks you've caught the big one, you won't be happy if the compatibility isn't there.

7. I want kids while I'm young. That's great. So did Britney Spears, and look how that turned out. Make sure you understand what you're getting into before you try turning your life into a Norman Rockwell painting.

8. To wear that dress! Go to the store, try it on, take pictures, and then forget it. If this is really a major reason you want to get married, we have our work cut out for us.

The Dangers of an Agenda

Ever hear the warning, "Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it"? Well, working in the ER, I have seen firsthand the damage that an agenda can wreak upon women's lives. The idea that a wedding is an end in and of itself can lead to a great deal of heartbreak when the reality fails to live up to the fairy-tale notion of happily ever after. I have seen women who were so disappointed and depressed once they got the lives they always thought they wanted that they turned to alcohol, drugs, and even suicide as a means to cope, rebel, or escape.

Now I'm not saying that all marriages are bad. Far from it. If both people understand the nature of this serious commitment and what it entails, marriage can be a wonderful thing. But marriage can also feel like a death sentence when it hasn't been well thought out or when two people aren't compatible. I can't tell you how many women have been driven to the brink of despair because they've got the house, the kids, the cars, and the security, but they're still unhappy -- and they don't know why. The fact is, sometimes women who are stuck on getting married may think they know what they want, when in fact they are building their entire lives around a fantasy of wedded bliss. Unfortunately, they forget that a wedding equals bliss only if they are blessed with the right partner.

Don't Date That Guy

The biggest problem with being an Agenda Girl is not that you send most guys packing. If you can believe it, being alone is nothing compared to being with the type of guy who is actually attracted to an Agenda Girl. It never fails -- any Agenda Girl who stumbles her way into a relationship is bound to wind up with one of these guys:

•Mr. Yes Dear: The weak, spineless guy who cannot stand to be alone is a prime target for Agenda Girl. He's boring, and has few ideas of his own to conflict with your agenda. Sure, he's only too happy to jump through any hoops you set up for him, but not necessarily because he loves you. It's because he'd rather go along with whatever you want than assert himself. Can you respect that? •Mr. I'll Put Up with Anything for Steady Sex: This type of guy lacks all sexual confidence and will stay with you because he doesn't think he can get anyone else to go to bed with him. That, and he's lazy. Sure, he'll be faithful, but if that sounds like the foundation of a beautiful friendship to you, you're selling yourself short. •Mr. Agenda Guy: He's got the job. He's got the house. Now all he needs is the little woman to produce some offspring and his life will be perfect. Except, it doesn't much matter to him whether or not you two connect on any level other than your mutual desire for a family and a country club membership, so you're almost certainly guaranteed plenty of boring nights, eating dinner in silence in front of the plasma TV. •Mr. Master Manipulator: These guys are smooth talkers. They're smart and they know exactly what an Agenda Girl is thinking. But instead of being annoyed or turned off by your secret schemes and plans, the Master Manipulator has figured out how to make your agenda work for him. He'll look deep into your eyes and tell you exactly what you need to hear to get you into bed. It may last a few months, a few weeks, or a few hours. But as soon as he's had enough sex, he's gone. Hey, all's fair in love and war, right? Are You in the Waiting Line?

So many of the women I meet seem to spend their single years in a perpetual state of limbo, constantly waiting for something to happen. For Mr. Right to come knocking. For those three little words. For the proposal. For the wedding. For the children. Always waiting for real life to begin. If this is your attitude, it's no wonder you're not living your life to the fullest.

Take it from a guy....We have a completely different attitude toward our single years. We see this as our time to have fun, to do outrageous things, to live out the adventures that people who are married with children can only read about. We're trying to get all the fun out of our system before we get married so that when we do settle down, we're not sitting around thinking, It's too bad I never got the chance to travel and be more spontaneous before I had kids.

If being single is your favorite excuse for putting off living your life and doing what you want to do, some of the following may sound familiar:

1. "I'd love to go to Brazil, but I want my next vacation to be with my boyfriend!" 2. "Sure it would be nice to invest in home décor, but what if I go to all the trouble of decorating and then have to move out because I've met someone?" 3. "I'm really into cooking/dance/tennis and would love to take a class, but I'm not doing it without a boyfriend." 4. "Sure, it would make sense to buy a condo, but what if I get married and have to sell?" 5. "I could see myself going back to school, but I think I should really be concentrating on meeting a husband."

Now if any of that sounds even remotely like you, then what will you bring to your relationship when you finally do meet a guy you like? After all, before you can start jet- setting around the world and shopping for home furnishings together, you'll have to impress him with your personality, your character, and your life experiences. And that's going to seem like one tall order if you're living your life in limbo. So think about what you're interested in or passionate about and pursue it. If you've ever heard someone talking about a hobby or activity that sounded fun, give it a shot. You'll feel more independent and confident - - and it will show.

Before You Jump Off a Bridge...

I'll admit I haven't exactly gone easy in this chapter. But if you could see the Agenda Girl the way most guys do, you would understand that if anything, I haven't been harsh enough. Please understand that my only goal is to get you to stop putting the cart before the horse when you're out there dating. While having an agenda is great in school and in business, Agenda Girls are their own worst enemies in all matters related to love and relationships. Of course, none of this is to say that being an Agenda Girl is all bad. So before you start hitting yourself over the head with that wedding scrapbook you started keeping in junior high, consider all the positive qualities that you have to offer the world:

•Goal-oriented: The world is driven by focused, disciplined people who believe in reaching for their dreams. And you are just such a person. •Strong: You have the courage of your convictions. You know what you want, and you go for it. •Determined: Undeterred by obstacles, you keep trying to accomplish the tasks you set for yourself. A sure recipe for success in life, if not always in relationships. •Family-minded: You're maternal and place a high value on family. Nothing wrong with that! In short, there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to get married, have kids, and raise a warm, loving family. That only makes you human. We all want happy families of our own. My only concern is for those of you who allow this desire to become such an all-consuming need that it overrides every other aspect of your personality -- not to mention your life -- and turns you into the dreaded Agenda Girl.

Your Rx: Find a New Agenda

Since you are so goal-oriented and driven, your best bet to overcoming your marriage agenda would be to replace it with an entirely new, more productive agenda. If you become happy with your life, you won't have to be on the constant lookout for the marriage escape hatch. Ultimately, that is what is going to lead you to a good relationship, not the relentless pursuit of a husband.

Finding fulfillment in your work, your friendships, and/or your hobbies will contribute to a happier and more desirable you. Think about it, who's got time to become neurotic and obsessive when so much of her energy is going toward something that has absolutely nothing to do with dating and relationships?

Here are three new potential agendas that will help you forget all about how desperately you want to get married:

1. Employee of the Year: Now, shocking as this may sound, I've met Agenda Girls who have put all their energies into achieving wedded bliss just to get out of careers they hate. I've also met some who assumed that they shouldn't get invested in their jobs because marriage and children would eventually take them away from all that. To quit being an Agenda Girl, you'll have to stop thinking along these lines. Marriage is neither a sure thing nor a Get Out of Work Free card. It's not going to solve all your career and money problems. On the other hand, shaping up your professional life will. You can start immediately by putting in more effort at work for the next year so you can get a promotion. You can also spend your free hours looking for a new job in a field you're interested in or taking classes that will help you land your dream job.

2. Better health: If you make physical fitness a priority, you'll find that you're way too busy taking good care of yourself to spend much time thinking about how you can manipulate Mr. Right into popping the question. So cross off "Get Married" on your mental to-do list, and replace it with "Get in Shape." Improving your health can mean anything from increasing your physical activity to changing your eating habits to quitting smoking. But once you start on the path to feeling good, you're likely to find that it's hard to stop midway. After you've quit your bad habits, don't be surprised if the time you used to spend worrying about being single is now taken up with working out, preparing quality meals, and just feeling all around great about your energy levels and state of mind.

3. Friendship First: Our friendships are practice for the more involved, romantic relationships we forge with our partners. If you're finding that loneliness is forcing you deep into a state of Agenda Girl territory, take it as a sign to reconnect with your friends or make some new ones. Go ahead and put "Become More Social" at the top of your Agenda. Then, start expanding your circle by calling up people you may not have seen in a while and asking them to grab a cup of coffee or go out to lunch together. Remember, the qualities that make you a good friend are the same as the ones that will make you a great significant other.

You don't have to look high and low to find the missing link that will make your life great. You already have everything you need to be happy, be that your work, your hobbies, or your friends and/or family. Once you start working on making the most of what you have, you'll find that you have less time to chase the things you don't. In the end, a man or marriage is not something you should ever chase. In fact, you are most likely to find what you're looking for when you stop chasing it.

Fake It Till You Make It

In this chapter hopefully I've provided you with some reasons to combat your agenda issues for a long time to come. But I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't also give some quick tips to help you out right here and now. So even if you're not ready to say good-bye to your career as an amateur wedding planner just yet, here are some immediate, Band-Aid solutions to help you stop laying all your cards on the table and losing out in the dating game:

•Steer clear of these taboo subjects while on a date with a new guy: Your next date, commitment, marriage, and children. Whatever you do, don't be the one who brings up any of these topics. I'm not going to go into any more details as to why. I think I covered all that in the course of this chapter. All that's left for you to do is to take my advice and cut a wide swath around these subjects. • Tear up your list of must-have qualities in a husband (or at least hide it away where no one will find it!), and write a new list of things you want to do before having kids. Start chipping away at it right now. • Stop planning ahead. If you catch yourself making long- term plans for you and the guy you just met three weeks ago, stop immediately to consider that you two may very well not make it to next week, much less next year. • Focus on friendship: Instead of going on dates with the intention of bagging a husband, think about each date as an opportunity to meet someone who may become a good friend or teach you something new. This should help you keep an open, clear-headed perspective. • Take a three-month vacation from your husband hunting. See what happens when you banish all thoughts of your future wedding, husband, and children from your mind. Last but not least, do not -- and I mean this -- ever, under any circumstances, tell a guy that your eggs are rotting or that the only reason to get married is to have kids. Got it?