I won’t lie: When my husband and I decided to open our marriage, I thought,
“This is going to be interesting … I better take notes!” And the events of that
first two years, getting to date again, having new lovers, shaping our sexual
identities—did not disappoint, gifting me with the kind of rich, dramatic
material that make books compelling. “Taking notes” spiraled into “processing,”
which evolved into blogs, and then into a memoir.
Writing WIDE OPEN often
felt like slipping between two worlds and landing in a miracle zone. I was
writing about possibly the most magical time in my life. Revisiting the
discovery that I could have both my husband of twenty years and my new love, Oz,
was a delicious treat. And another lovely morsel: writing candidly about open
marriage grew an unprecedented loyal readership of people eager to share
information and insight on the taboo subject of open marriage; having this
supportive audience was a boon, especially since there were times when I felt
put in the line of fire. Before publishing the book, I was threatened with a
lawsuit and was forced to take a pseudonym. Some family and friends confessed to
me that the subject of my writing made them uncomfortable. Acquaintances who
knew about my soon-to-be-released memoir sometimes made ignorant, insensitive
comments. Writing a memoir filled with sex-positive candor and personal truths
often felt like standing nude in front of my community—and getting critiqued.
We’re socialized with the damaging notion that we have limited choices around
sex and intimacy if we are married. But truth be told, if you have authentic
conversations about desire and sex with your partner—and you can surpass staid
cultural fears and judgments—your choices around your erotic identities can be
numerous. I wanted to share this revelation with others in ways that were
consistent with my values: with respect, candor, and humor. I also wanted to do
it in a way that would foster empowerment in others. So, while finishing my
memoir, I wrote an article on compersion--the joyful feeling that a polyamorous
person has when his or her lover or spouse walks through the door after spending
the afternoon making love to his or her new girlfriend or boyfriend. My article
went viral. I received many e-mails from people describing a full spectrum of
compersion, from getting hot watching their partner have sex to monogamous
relationships in which people felt joy when their partner was simply thriving.
Seeing the gradients of compersion made me feel like I was on to something, that
romantic love was viable in more ways than we are taught in fairy tales.
Emboldened by my readers, in a follow-up article I described the compersion I
felt for my husband as I listened to him describe a spontaneous make-out session
with another woman: “I felt slightly freakish that I was exuberantly happy for
him. But it was at a point in our marriage when romance in the bedroom was at an
all-time low – between financial stressors, raising kids, and working like crazy
there wasn’t a lot of fun to be had. Quite frankly, I was happy to see that my
husband was still sexual. But it also felt scary. Not because it wasn’t a great
way to love someone, but because of the anticipated judgment from – the
marriage police, those traditionalists descended from our Puritan ancestors
who feel put on this earth to defend and enforce the status quo. These are
people I run into at PTA meetings, school sporting events, and at my suburban
grocery store. They would resoundingly disapprove of my husband having a lover
and would heap even more disapproval on me for being happy for him!”
This article generated many heartfelt letters from readers who were curious and
sometimes even desperate to explore other possibilities in their love lives and
marriages. One e-mail stands out. The anonymous writer referred to me by my
non-pseudonym name. It read: “I do see you at PTA meetings and the
grocery store. I am so impressed with what you are doing. I wish I had the
courage to change my life in similar ways.” I wrote back offering my support but
never got a reply. It reminded me of quote by Henry David Thoreau: “Most men
lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still
in them.” Being in a marriage where your needs for affection, sex, love and
romance are going unmet can lead to a deadening of aliveness.
I understand this dilemma and write about it in WIDE OPEN. I also
understand the trepidation to step forward and speak your truth and make
changes. The pushback I received from the status quo was has been both painful
and sometimes shocking. Challenging the paradigm of American marriage was the
act of a rebel. Pointing out bold truths can be risky—the kid who exclaimed that
the Emperor had no clothes probably got dragged behind the castle, where an
angry mob beat the crap out of him.
Nonetheless writing my memoir and creating a readership has been a joy. I am
passionate about creating a safe zone where people can reach out to me, tell me
stories about their marriages, relationships, and sexual desires. Sometimes I
feel like the Emily Post of open marriage. I have written about jealousy,
compersion, couple privilege, cheating in an open relationship, how to set up a
threesome, and general etiquette for ethical non-monogamous situations. The
subject of satisfying desire and mastering the art of relationship is woven into
nearly everything I’ve been writing these days. As Marc Chagall said “In our life there is a single color on an artist's palette,
which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love.”
You can contact Gracie X at GracieX.com
Gracie X is a Writer, Director, and Actress. She is the author of “Wide Open:
An Unconventional Love Story” now available wherever books are sold. She started
a relationship odyssey nearly a decade ago that inspired her to create an
unconventional polyamorous chosen family. For the past several years the idea
that people can authentically construct their relationships, marriages, and
families while meeting the needs of everyone involved– has cracked her wide
open. She can’t stop writing, talking, or thinking about it. Her main message is
do it your own way. “There is so much more spaciousness in our relationships to
get our needs met—and there’s not one correct way to do it. There are a spectrum
of options from monogamy to polyamory and all the nuances in between.” She
encourages people to create a unique ‘relationship mission statement’ and set up
their marriages, poly relationships and families in the way that works best for
them. She has been a principal on “Nash Bridges”, and numerous local TV and
commercials. Her short film which she directed and co-stars premiered in the San
Francisco Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. It has played at “The Outfest” in Los
Angeles, Amsterdam, Germany, Seattle, Orlando, and on San Jose’s Public TV
channel KTEH. Her plays have been produced by ‘Brava! For Women in the Arts”,
The Climate Theater, Solo Mio, The Chi Chi Club, The Fringe Festival, The Marsh
and Josie’s Juice Joint. Gracie X has toured throughout San Francisco, Vancouver
and Los Angeles. A graduate of Bard College, she has worked with Peggy Shaw and
Lois Weaver at the WOW Cafe in New York City. She currently lives in Northern
California.
My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms
At a time when society no longer imposes many sexual taboos, why is
open marriage still considered beyond the pale? Written by Gracie X,
Wide Open is an enthusiastic, honest,
and sometimes raw account of one woman’s experience living polyamorously within
the context of her average American family.
Gracie X—a suburban mother of two—has been married to her loving husband,
Hank, for 25 years. The problem is that their once-vibrant sex life has
shriveled to nothing. Meanwhile, she has fallen in love with another man, for
whom she has an overwhelming physical yearning. Frustrated and conflicted but
determined not to give up her hard-won home life and wonderful husband, she is
desperate for a creative solution. Can she somehow keep both men in her life
without resorting to divorce or dishonesty?
A friend introduces Gracie to polyamory: loving and being faithful to more
than one person at a time. “Poly,” it turns out, is a whole new world, with
dedicated counselors, parties, and dating sites. Convincing Hank ended up being
the easy part: he quickly found a girlfriend and accepted Gracie’s terms. Their
children, although upset at first, adjusted to having their parents’ “special
friends” around, and having Hank and his girlfriend in one duplex, with Gracie
and her new boyfriend, Oz, next-door, seemed like an inspired solution. But
would trying to go poly create as many problems as it was trying to solve?
In her candid and provocative memoir, Wide Open, Gracie details the
years she has spent exploring the poly lifestyle and creating her “chosen
family.” A fiercely intelligent feminist, she challenges traditional ideas about
monogamy, fidelity, and sexuality. From swinger parties and strip clubs to sex
toys and pornography, this is an edgy and thought-provoking read. Yet erotica
and tenderness share space here, with Gracie’s true love for both Hank and Oz—as
well as her two children—coming through very clearly.
Wide Open reveals—with humor, integrity and heart—how one woman
blended love, sex and marriage in unconventional ways and found the fulfillment
she was looking for.
Buy on:
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