Interview with Julie Metz

Appearances can be deceiving. Just ask anyone like me who parks in a handicapped spot. Sure, I may not look as if the space is warranted. The doubtful glances make this apparent. But, the titanium parts along with the aches and pains earn me the right to take a few less steps.

This month’s Jen’s Jewels can relate to my situation. From the outside, it appeared as if Julie Metz was living a good life. A loving husband and happy home. It seemed as if she had it all. Then one day, her husband suddenly dies, and what’s left shatters the very existence of her core. In her painfully honest yet uplifting memoir entitled PERFECTION, Julie takes a look back at her life as she comes to terms with reality of her future.

As part of this interview, Hyperion Books has generously donated five copies for you, my lucky readers to win. So, don’t forget to look for the trivia question at the end. Thanks for making Jen’s Jewels a part of your reading adventure.

Jen: Your experience as a graphic artist plays an essential role in the development of your memoir, PERFECTION. So that my readers may have a better understanding of the path that led you to becoming an author, please tell us a little bit about your educational and professional background.

Julie: I grew up in a house that was filled with books and art. My parents both worked as art directors at Simon and Schuster Publishers and my father is a landscape artist. When I was young I attended a Waldorf school and this provided a creative learning environment—lots of handmade cloth and wooden toys, lots of drawing and music. Later I attended more traditional schools where the focus was on writing and study skills. I attended Smith College where I majored in fine art but also took many English Literature classes. This was an exciting time on campus, with lots of discussion about the political topics of the day. After college I returned to my home in New York City and began working in the design field. My last staff job was at Harper & Row Publishers (now HarperCollins). From there I began a freelance life.

Jen: Being a freelance designer and now writer provided you the means in which to explore various aspects of the publishing business. Did you concentrate on a specific area of expertise, or did you branch out and take on unfamiliar topics in hopes of opening new doors of opportunity?

Julie: Before I began writing I was a freelance graphic designer. I have designed book covers for various publishers for about twenty years, and I grew up with parents who worked in the publishing industry. I have seen many changes in the book world since I was a kid hanging around my mom and dad’s offices back in the days before computers. In my design life I try to maintain creativity within the vertical rectangle of a book cover. My writing life started with the memoir PERFECTION, but now that I am working on fiction I am more open to letting my imagination take me to new places.

Jen: Embarking on a career as an author is a grand undertaking due to the complexity of creating a book that will grab the attention of agents, publishers, and of course readers. Your new release, PERFECTION, takes that one step further because it’s the story of your life. First of all, what was the driving force behind putting your life experiences in print?

Julie: After my husband died, I began keeping a journal. I was also writing letters to friends—I have always been a letter writer. The journal and letters helped me stay sane during a crazy time and later became the raw material for my book. At the time of his death my husband was under contract to write a book and at first I thought I’d try to finish that for him. After the revelations of his affairs I abandoned that idea. A few friends had suggested I write about my experiences and I began to think about that. I began working on the book as a kind of personal therapy. A friend who was an editor at Glamour magazine asked me about writing a feature piece. This was my first experience as a professional writer. From there I began working on a formal book proposal and on what would become the first chapters. At this point I didn’t really know what would come of it all, but I knew that I had to see it through and finish the book, whether or not it ever got published.

Jen: As for the nuts and bolts of the project, approximately how long did it take for you to complete this book? And, what was the most challenging part of the process?

Julie: The writing and publication process took about five years. The hardest part for me, without a doubt, were the many times I revisited the middle section of the book, the most raw and painful chapters after I discovered my husband’s affairs. Sometimes I really had to force myself to the desk. But by then I had a strong sense that many other women had been in this situation and that they might get something out of my story.

Jen: In my opinion, PERFECTION is a brutally honest narrative of a marriage gone awry as told through the eyes of a scorned spouse. Ironically, I did not feel as if you were playing the role of the victim. Your tone throughout the book is more of a “this is what happened and look how far I have come” approach. How did you keep it so objective so as not to tarnish the memory of your husband, Henry? (He was highly regarded by his peer group.) I give you much credit for taking the high road. Not too many people in your shoes would have done that.

Julie: I had the benefit of some years that passed after the events I write about in the book. I wanted to take the reader on the emotional journey, through grief and anger, all the way to acceptance. So I would say that time helped give me perspective and made the book more balanced in tone. The book shows one version of the complications of adult relationships, and the consequences of poor choices—Henry’s and mine. We all make mistakes in our lives. Henry made some huge ones. But in the end I feel genuine sorrow for what he lost—the chance to live a full life.

Jen: Besides filling in the missing pieces, how did contacting your husband’s mistresses after his DEATH help you achieve a sense of closure and acceptance for the man he truly was?

Julie: I contacted the other women to get a sense of what other life my husband had been living in the last year of his life. After talking to them I did feel that I knew more but I also saw that there were aspects of the story I’d never be able to find out and that I would have to live with that. So some questions remain unanswered but I was able to begin to think about moving on to a new life on my own.

Jen: As we all know, marriage takes work… a lot of work. You mention in the book that the trouble signs were there had you been looking for them. Do you think Henry was trying to reach out to you but was lacking in the emotional fortitude to make that connection? Why or why not?

Julie: It’s really hard to look back at the situation we were in and imagine what he was thinking at the time, how he rationalized his choices. I feel very changed from the woman who was Henry’s wife. I would behave differently now. I think I would be more willing to see the signs of trouble. What I can be certain of is that while his behavior was damaging to me and our child Henry was suffering as well.

Jen: As is with everything these days, it all comes down to sex. Either it’s too little or too much. It’s difficult for many to achieve the perfect balance. I found it interesting that you reached out to Don Symons at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Please share with us your conversation and how it helped you come to grips with your husband’s betrayal.

Julie: The evolutionary argument suggests that men and women are “hard- wired” for certain behavior: men to seek out as many partners as possible and women to seek out a mate to help raise children. The main question I wanted to ask Don was whether he felt that we were prisoners of our biology or whether we could exert free will in our decision-making. What I took away from our conversations is that the conflict is something we have to live with as modern humans in a culture that changes more rapidly than we evolve, but using the excuse “my genes made me do it” won’t cut it.

Jen: After reading your bio blurb with the mention of your “partner”, I thought you had chosen to seek female companionship. Not so. Will you ever marry again? Why or why not?

Julie: It’s always hard to know what to call your significant other these days! Sometimes I call him my boyfriend, but that sounds like I am eighteen…oh well, we’ll use “boyfriend” today. He and I have been a couple for five years. We are domestically partnered now and our lives are very much that of any longtime couple. We work hard, we divide house chores, we plan vacations when we have extra money, and we discuss our IRA’s. Some of our roles are very traditional: I do laundry and he takes care of our car. I had been wary of remarrying because I feared that it would end badly again and because I wanted my daughter to feel completely comfortable with our new family before I made any more big changes. At this point I can imagine marrying again but we aren’t in any particular rush. It’s not like when you are young and you can’t wait for your big wedding day. If it happens it will be something small for our family and friends, just to celebrate the life we’ve made together. Mostly I care about the happiness of our day-to-day lives.

Jen: The innocent victim in all of this is your lovely daughter, Liza. How will this memoir help her understand the dissolution of her idyllic family life as she once knew it?

Julie: She is now almost thirteen years old. She lost her father when she was six and a half and has now spent five years with my boyfriend as a second parent. Our life looks pretty traditional from the outside and we have worked hard to create a new family. I think she has benefited from the fact that my new relationship is healthier and more stable than the one I had with Henry. She saw lots of fighting during the last years of my marriage. She is a wise child—she would not have described our marriage as idyllic. I do hope that my story will serve as a cautionary tale for younger women like my daughter as they begin to seek out partners. Relationships are work, marriage is work. It’s important to choose wisely and not to be swayed by what’s on the surface.

Jen: Looking back, how has the completion of a memoir changed your perception of your marriage? Yourself?

Julie: I began wiring the book as a kind of personal therapy to help me understand what had happened to my marriage. I try to look back at myself in my marriage with compassion. I was young when I met Henry and in spite of everything I was naïve. The experiences I lived through changed me. One thing that hasn’t changed: I never wanted to be in a relationship where I was constantly jealous and suspicious, and I don’t want to live like that now. The difference is that I am able to be honest with myself about whether I am happy or not.

Jen: If you could turn back the clock, what one thing would you do differently and why?

Julie: I wish I hadn’t been so afraid to look at the reality of my life. When I was married I was a more fearful person and, like many women, I had a lot invested in my identity as a wife and mother. I couldn’t imagine being on my own and I couldn’t imagine myself really taking charge of my life. But I don’t regret being in the relationship because I have my daughter. She is the most important part of my life and I would go through everything again to have her in my life.

Jen: In terms of promotion, will you be participating in a book tour? Will you be scheduling Author Phone Chats? Do you have a website?

Julie: For now the promotional focus is here in New York City. I have been doing newspaper and radio interviews. I have done three readings in Brooklyn. I do have a website where I post news and events, information regarding book clubs, and keep a blog: www.perfectionbook.com or you can reach the same site at: www.juliemetz.com

Jen: I want to thank you for taking the time to stop by and chat with my readers. I was truly impressed with your honest and open approach to facing adversity in such a public forum as the media. It must have been a cathartic experience for you, and will hopefully lead to bright, new beginnings. Best of luck with the book! It’s a sparkling jewel.

I hope you have enjoyed my interview with Julie. Please stop by your favorite book store or local library and pick up a copy today. Better yet, how would you like to win one? Be one of five readers to correctly answer the following question and you could win your very own copy of PERFECTION.

What is the name of Julie’s website?

Next month, I will be bringing to you my interview with childhood television star, Quinn Cummings. You won’t want to miss it.

Until next time…Jen