Interview with Amy Dickinson

Whenever someone asks me for advice, I always try to take moment and carefully weigh my options. I often wonder if this person really wants to hear what I have to say or would it be better to just keep my opinion to myself. Oftentimes, it’s tricky to know the difference. No matter what the outcome, there’s one thing I know for sure. Words are powerful tools. They have the ability to help or hurt, and need to be chosen carefully. Now imagine if giving advice on a daily basis was your full-time job?

You may recognize this month’s Jen’s Jewels, Amy Dickinson, by her by-line…Ask Amy. The successor to Ann Lander’s Dear Abby column, Amy has been doling out advice for over five years in your daily newspaper. Her latest venture is a delightful memoir depicting her struggle to become the woman she is today. Without a doubt, you will find this book to be a shining gem. As part of this interview, Hyperion Books has generously donated five copies for you, my readers, to win. So, don’t forget to look for the trivia question at the end. And as always, thanks for making Jen’s Jewels a part of your reading adventure.

Jen: Having read your delightful memoir, I feel as if I already know you. So that my readers may experience that same sense of familiarity, please tell us a little bit about your educational and professional background prior to your becoming a successful syndicated columnist.

Amy: I grew up in Freeville NY and attended the Freeville elementary school and then went to high school 3 miles away, in Dryden. I was a cheerleader and athlete and also participated in the school's excellent music program. I was "Ado Annie" in "Oklahoma" and "Rosie" in "Bye Bye Birdie." I then went to Clark University in Worcester, Mass. for two years, eventually transferring to Georgetown University, where I was an eager participant in the school's madrigal group and the only white member of the Gospel Choir. After that I eventually moved to New York City where I was a receptionist at the New Yorker and then moved to NBC News in New York, where I worked my way up to be an associate producer for several news programs. My former husband, who is also a journalist, and I moved to London, where I had Emily. After my marriage fell apart, I moved back to Freeville and then on to Washington, DC, where I started my career as a freelance writer and temp at National Public Radio, while raising Emily. I happily did this for many years until I was chosen to write a column for Time Magazine about families and parenting. I lost that job after the Sept. 11th attacks in 2001 and started an extended period of unemployment, living off of credit cards (still paying that off).

Jen: As you know, life isn’t fair, especially when it comes to love and war! In your book, THE MIGHTY QUEENS OF FREEVILLE, you discuss the “curse” if you will, involving the women in your family each having failed marriages. Divorce, no matter under what circumstances, causes stress for everyone involved. First of all, it seems as if you were blindsided when your husband asked for a divorce. Do you think you were in denial, or were you truly unaware?

Amy: That's quite a question. Yes. I was truly unaware that my husband was having an affair and completely blindsided when he said he was leaving. At the time, he told me that he wasn't happy and that I wasn't happy and that he was doing me a favor. I also wasn't aware that I was unhappy. That's some favor. Come to think of it -- I forgot to thank him.

Jen: Secondly, now having the opportunity to look back and evaluate the situation, what was the most significant life lesson you took away from this painful experience? And, how did you grow as an individual?

Amy: It's not always necessary to grow as an individual. Sometimes, you just have to stop crying and get through the day. It turns out I was good at that. What I learned about myself is that, blessed with an optimistic temperament and with the ongoing emotional support and propping up from my family, I was able to prevail -- just as many of the women in my life have done. I got the job done. I always loved being a mother and I think my family taught me by example that this is a high calling.

Jen: As a mother, your greatest accomplishment is most certainly the relationship you have with your daughter. The two of you have been a team since day one of her life. In respect to her childhood, spending your summers in Freeville enabled her to experience firsthand the simplistic value of family. In your mind, were you doing it for her or were you inadvertently trying to escape from the reality of your circumstances?

Amy: I took Emily to Freeville for both of us. It was where I wanted to live, but I knew that I couldn't make much of a living there. Being in Freeville so often gave both of us a wonderful balance between city and country -- metropolis and small town. I wouldn't call the value of family "simplistic." I'd call it very complicated and exceedingly rewarding. Mainly, it's nice to ride your bike and get an ice cream cone. It's nice to be surrounded by people who know and like you. It's nice to be able to let the cat outside and not use a litter box. It's nice to grow a garden.

Jen: Hillary Clinton said that it takes a village. I think you would have to agree with this statement not only in relation to childrearing, but also with the rediscovery of yourself. What makes the actual Mighty Queens of Freeville such strong, unflappable women?

Amy: I wouldn't say they are unflappable, necessarily. They're as flappable as anyone -- but the women in my life have perspective. No matter what happens in your life, you know that if your kids are OK and happy, then you're going to be OK, too. My mother and aunts have always been hard-working, smart women who care about one another and about the community, too. It's a very powerful tonic to realize you're not alone.

Jen: Career-wise, the tides turned when you landed the coveted Ann Landers advice column. How did this life-changing opportunity happen?

Amy: I had been freelancing a little for the Chicago Tribune and an editor there and I became friends. He threw work my way when he could. So when Ann Landers died, I said, "Hey -- there's a job I could do. HA HA HA HA. I literally wrote HA HA HA across the e-mail page. He said, "You know what? I think you COULD do this job" and invited me to try out, along with others. The process moved very slowly and took many months, but I had a feeling I would get it, and I did. I've been writing the column, Ask Amy, every day for the last 5 1/2 years.

Jen: After the deal was sealed, what steps did you take in order to prepare yourself for this new role? Were you hesitant at any point?

Amy: I didn't necessarily hesitate; I was desperate for work at that point and desperation is a very powerful tool, it turns out. Honestly, the hardest part was picking up and moving to Chicago. I don't like to move and I didn't want to be so far away from my family. But we did it. I knew I could do the job -- it’s a question of being as responsible and correct with my answers as possible. I've always been confident about my voice and also my skills as a reporter. Meeting a crushing deadline every week is very challenging, but I've become used to the pace.

Jen: Please take us through the selection process for the letters in your column. Do you use screeners? Approximately how much of your mail are you able to read? Are there certain topics that are taboo?

Amy: I don't have any staff. I am my own staff. Emily helps me to open the mail when she's home and just now my niece is helping me to go through some of the snail mail. I check the e-mail several times a day. Choosing the questions to answer is the most important part of my job. The questions dictate the tone and pace of the column. I try to create a narrative, of sorts, in each column, with a variety of questions -- serious and silly.

Jen: What is the most challenging aspect of your new career? The most fulfilling?

Amy: The most challenging part of the job is the pace. I produce 7 fresh columns each week and have done so without missing a day for 5 1/2 years. That's a lot. I do work ahead, but working ahead is proving to be very difficult. The most fulfilling part is the thought that I have an influence on people -- I treasure the trust they place in me.

Jen: Throughout your book, you mention the perils of your love life as well as the “joys” of dating from the perspective of a woman who no longer has the word twenty attached to her age. Of course, we want to know if you are now living a happily-ever-after life with the man of your dreams. (But sorry readers…you need to read the book to find out!) Since you are the queen of advice (as well as of Freeville), what words of wisdom can you share with women who find themselves in the same boat?

Amy: Never buy a new outfit for a first date. Never go to the movies on a first date (there is nothing worse, in my mind, then sitting in the dark next to a stranger for 2 hours). Treat every date as the opportunity to make a new friend. Ask questions and listen. Converse. Share jokes. Grab the joys as they float by. Don't ever forget who you are. Don't squeeze yourself to fit into someone else's mold. Develop relationships with other women -- your friends are some of the best dates you'll ever have.

Everybody gets to have a happy-ever-after. But it really helps if you have a happy-ever-BEFORE.

Jen: Now that the book is finally completed, what have you taken away from this entire experience of putting your life into words? Was it a cathartic journey of sorts? Or was it more of a “this is who I am and where I’ve come from” and “you can do it, too” kind of statement? Your brutally honest (yet humble) voice makes this memoir stand out as a one-of-a-kind reflection well-worth the read.

Amy: Aspects of writing this book were cathartic. Writing about my father helped me to come to terms with this very vexing and challenging relationship in my life. I chose to enter therapy as I started this writing project, and that helped immeasurably. It helped a great deal to talk about my relationships -- to try to attach words to the feelings. And I tried to always tell my truth. That wasn't too hard to do -- because the truth is the truth. I don't always have to be the hero of my story. I have made and continue to make plenty of mistakes. Mainly, my relationships bring me great joy and I was so happy to share that.

Jen: What’s in store for you next? Will you try your hand at penning another book? Perhaps fiction this time?

Amy: I would love to write a novel. I have an idea and would love to write it down -- but I think the next book will be another memoir -- this time about my childhood.

Jen: Please tell us about your website. Is there a place on the site for readers to submit potential advice column questions? Do you blog? As for THE MIGHTY QUEENS OF FREEVILLE, will you be participating in a book tour?

Amy: I've put together a wonderful website www.themightyqueensoffreeville.com. One of the most fun things I did was to make a little film -- a "trailer" for the book, so to speak -- shot entirely in Freeville. My extensive touring schedule is there, along with opportunities for readers to share their stories with me. And yes -- I'll definitely field questions for the column. My book tour will take me to New York City; Long Island (Huntington, NY); Ann Arbor, MI; Ithaca, NY; Fairfield, CT; Chicago and its suburbs; Dayton and Cincinnati, OH; St. Louis; Dallas; Washington, DC; and Raleigh. I look forward to meeting readers in all of those places.

Jen: Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to stop by and chat with my readers. It was an absolute pleasure being able to speak with you. I loved your book! Please come back again. And, Happy Valentine’s Day!

Amy: My pleasure. And I hope that readers will do what I have always done on Valentine's Day -- send greetings to your girlfriends, sisters, and the other women in your life. Valentine's Day may be sold to us as a romantic event, but for me it has always been about celebrating love. So celebrate it!

I hope you have enjoyed my interview with Amy. Please stop by your favorite bookstore or local library and pick up a copy of THE MIGHTY QUEENS OF FREEVILLE today!

Better yet, would you like to win your very own copy? Be one of five people to enter with the correct answer to the following trivia question and you could win! Good luck!

What is Amy’s website address?

Later this month, I will be interviewing Yeardley Smith, best-known as the voice of Lisa on the hit television show The Simpsons. You won’t want to miss it.

Until next time…Jen