The Actor's Guide to Greed
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Dying isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be.
Getting butchered at the hands of a serial killer in
the “high concept” slasher film, Creeps, was supposed to
revive former child star Jarrod Jarvis’s career. Instead,
it’s a celluloid Titanic that makes Patty Duke’s turn in
Valley of the Dolls look like Swedish art house restraint.
While nursing his wounds at the post-premiere party at a
Starbucks on Beverly Boulevard, Jarrod runs into Wallace
Goodwin, one of the former writers on Go to Your Room, the
beloved eighties show that made Jarrod a star. He’s
shocked to discover that the neurotic, egotistical
Wallace, whose biggest claim to fame was penning a very
special episode of a Marla Gibbs sitcom and marrying leggy
sexpot Katrina, has penned a play bound for London’s West
End, with a scene-stealing part for Jarrod. Like they say,
when God closes a door, somewhere, he opens a window seat
Faster than he can say his catchphrase, “Baby, don’t even
go there!” Jarrod’s hitting the boards in London…and the
boards are hitting back, big time. As much as the actors
all seem to loathe one another, they truly resent Jarrod.
The hotshot young director with a thing for girls named
Kate berates him at every turn. British legend Dame Sylvia
Horner is so sloshed she can barely read her lines.
Bollywood beefcake Akshay Kapoor’s one facial expression
seems to be handsome glowering—when he isn’t making eyes
at Jarrod’s hunky LAPD boyfriend, Charlie. And since
coming out has made him hot again, Sir Anthony Stiles
wastes no time “tutoring” every young actor in a twelve-
mile radius. Jarrod’s only friend in the cast is the
formidable Claire Richards. The sexy, forty-something,
champagne-swilling, Oscar-winning actress is the
undisputed star of the show—a lady who can chew scenery
and her costars with equal abandon. No one can play a
death scene like La Claire. Except that this time, the
diva isn’t faking it. She’s been poisoned, and the last
person to see her alive was Jarrod himself. Suddenly,
Jarrod’s gone from begging for a small role as a lab
assistant on Crossing Jordan to being accused of murdering
a shining star of the West End theatre scene and stealing
her Oscar from her dressing room.
It’s the juiciest scandal to hit London since Prince Harry
got caught smoking pot, and Jarrod has no intention of
clicking his heels three times while repeating, “There’s
no such thing as bad publicity.” He’s going to find out
who murdered Claire, clear his own name, and head back to
the insanity he knows and trusts in Los Angeles. What
becomes clear is that there was more backstage drama going
on than anything happening on stage—affairs, lies,
secrets, betrayals, blackmail, and a desperate clawing for
fame and fortune that makes anything on reality TV look
like a kids’ show.
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