Sharon Ashwood is a free-lance journalist, novelist, desk jockey and enthusiast for the weird and spooky. She lives in the Pacific Northwest.
Author Note
"Damn, You're Hot" Isn't Always a Compliment
Have your nearest and dearest started calling you Sparky and making the sign of the cross every time you walk through the door? Has someone filled the water cooler at your office with holy water? Does "singed remains" now best describe your home décor? If you answered yes to all of the above, chances are good some pesky minion of hell has stolen your immortal soul. In other words, you've become a Fire Demon.
No doubt you've noticed that as a Fire Demon you now spew and erupt in flames every time you're peeved. Not cool. To keep loss of life and property damage (not to mention your insurance rates) to a minimum, it's essential that you stay calm. Below, please find pointers on ways to keep the fire of your ire from causing everything and everyone you hold dear—and some you don't—from being SCORCHED.
ANGER MANAGEMENT TIPS FOR FIRE DEMONS
Count to 666—Next time some idgit cuts you off on the Interstate, pause before lowering your window and turning their car and everyone in it into a heavy metal version of bananas flambé. Instead, take a deep breath and count to evil incarnate's most significant number. If you lose your place, no worries, just start over at one. After all, there's no reason to hurry, you've got an eternity of damnation before you!
Take a Load Off, LEVITATE—Levitation is a classic sign of demon possession. And, since you're sure to get larger as more evil flows into your body, why not give those constantly growing bones of yours a rest and float off the floor awhile? After all, unless you're investing in new shoes every week or two, your dogs must be constantly barking. And that's enough to make even an angel cranky.
Create your own customized yoga routine—Everyone knows that those who are possessed by demon spirits are subject to involuntary contortions, so your head probably now spins on your shoulders all hours of the day and night. Well, take those lemons and make lemonade! Add a couple of additional moves and instead of "Downward-Facing Dog" you'll impress all those would-be yogis in your exercise class with something they'll NEVER be able to emulate: "Backward-looking Spawn of Satan."
Express Yourself—As one of the newly possessed, you no doubt often find yourself simultaneously speaking in multiple voices. So, do yourself a favor and start jotting down possible soothing topics as they occur to you throughout the day. Then, anytime you start sounding like a room full of folks all talking at once, select a topic. Discuss!
Study Languages—Every demon speaks in tongues, so why not make the effort to figure out what you're actually saying? That's right, learn a new language! Well, actually, it will be among the most ancient languages ever spoken, but new to you. So, the next time someone is foolish enough to annoy you, blister them with frightening-sounding gibberish (to them, you'll know exactly what you're saying) instead of flames!
Become a Collector—Since your need for fire extinguishers is now high, why not start a collection in all shapes, colors and sizes? Keep a LARGE supply everywhere you tend to spend time: your home, tool shed, office, car, and so forth. You'd also be wise to share your collection with anyone that you'd like to stay alive... and even those you don't much care about. Because, no matter how annoying you find your neighbor, stomping over to his house and torching him the next time he returns your lawn mower without gas isn't going to help your property value.
Barbecue—What better way to while away a weekend afternoon than inviting your neighbors for an outdoor meal. No need to worry about the weather or the season. If it's raining, just put up some flame-resistant umbrellas; because no matter how low the temperature, your breath alone should keep everyone toasty. Don't bother purchasing one of those expensive gas grills for the occasion, either. With a little fine-tuning, it's possible to singe your guest's steak to medium-rare all on your own. And if your special BBQ sauce seems hot as Hades—well, let's just say you won't find that recipe in Julia Child.
